Would you like to share? :)

Here is my own personal story.  The good the bad and the ugly.  If I leave anything out I will add more in a later post. 

Alright.  I met him in 1997.  It was a strange situation, but he was hot.  He had hair halfway down his back long after most guys had cut their hair off.   Black leather jacket.  But what got me was the tight black jeans with a very nice butt. Sorry, gotta be honest.  He smoked he drank and I had no idea what else.  But i was hooked.  I moved in with him instantly and we got pregnant very quickly.  In September '97 we lost our first baby at 2 mos.  That left me quite scarred.  My biggest problem with it, to this day, is that I never knew if it was a girl or a boy.  Really is wasn't either at that point.  But he waited on me hand and foot for a week while I dealt with my emotions.  (That is my best memory of him)  Once I finished dealing with it I begged him to try again.  We talked about it and decided it was a good idea.  I guess anything is a good idea to a couple of kids.  He was 23 and I was 20.  We were In love and dumber than bricks.  We didn't have anything and he was always on drugs (i was too sometimes.  More so after Tyler was born).  Anyway I got pregnant again.  early 1998.  After about 5 mos of dealing with his stupidity and not wanting to work I decided I was gonna move to Florida with my mom.  I had her and my brother pack all my stuff from the apartment while he was asleep and I was gone a week later.  2 weeks before the baby came I paid to have him come down.  He said he would try harder.  He did.  Tyler was born Oct. 30, 1998.  Daddy was there.  and WORKING!!  Things were going alright.  He had some trouble and we decided that it was not best for him to live with us at Mom's house.  He got an apartment.  a year later I moved out of moms and in with him.  2 mos later we were packing up and moving back to Ohio.  (where we were from originally) I got a great job and then I started hinting about marriage.  His mom took to that like white on rice.  She had the whole deal planned before I could say a word.  He was dragging his heels.  BUt, it was happening.  like it or not.  We were married 5/26/01  It was nice. happy even.  Then 2 mos later we had a gigantic fight.  we screamed and yelled for 8 hours.  It ended with him giving me a black eye. It seemed right there that I should have known that our marriage was doomed, but no dice.  I sent him to jail.  He came back and things were fine for a year or so.  Court dates missed or ignored.   He was picked up and sent to jail for 45 days.  It was the best 45 days of my life.  My best friend and I spent every moment together because her boyfriend was in prison.  It was the first time in about 5 years that i had felt free.  HAPPY.  While in jail they put him on meds for depression.    The next couple months were the very best time in our relationship.  I actually began to think that it might all work out.  I began going to a Christian church that January after my brother took me there one Sunday.  My life was beginning to change.  I gave my life to Christ 3/9/03.  Somewhere along the line, though, he quit taking his meds without telling me and that April he hit me again.  He had no idea, but I decided right then that there had to be more for me somewhere.  I prayed like heck.  I had only been a Christian for a couple months and knew that I had to make the right decision.  So I said, "Lord, Please tell me what to do. I need you to talk loudly because I am not trained for this kind of stuff.  What should I do?"  Very soon after I was told this, "My dear if you leave this man I will give you the husband you deserve and the daughter you always wanted."  I called my mom.  Who I hadn't talked to since we left her 2-3 years earlier.  She told me that if I wanted I could come back, but he had to be out of the picture.  I packed up myself and Tyler and drove from Cleveland, Ohio to Daytona Beach, FL with $500 and all the faith that I had gotten from the promise God had given me.  We started a new life.  new job.  all that fun stuff.  I was not able to afford a divorce and legal aid would not take me untiI had been a resident for 6 mos.  well it just so happened that 6 mos, to the day (that I left him) I got a phone call  telling me that he had died of a drug overdose. Ok.  here is a question.  How do you react to that one?   This may be very wrong.  But, my reaction was, "Praise the Lord".  I yelled it as loud as I knew how.   You see I knew that he would come, one day, and try to take Tyler.  Now I never had to worry about that again.   I thought that was the end of my worries.  But, its funny how grief can pop up in the weirdest places in your life when you push it down (so you don;t have to deal with it).  I started eating like a pig.  I have gained 100 lbs in 4 years.  which I am now trying to fight off.  I found a great friend here in FL.  She pointed out to me that I also talked about him an awful lot  I thought to myself a lot.  Why is it that I can't stop thinking about a man that I dislike and that is also dead.  The answer was unforgivness.  But, it went deeper than that.  I spent a year of milestones (first date, wedding day, the date of his death, etc...) digging up things that were lodged in there.  Good and bad memories. Every time I would dig it out it would be so painful.  But I handed my memory and my pain to God and He healed me.  The hardest disease to heal is one you can't detect with any blood tests.  It is the sorrow that you keep locked up deep inside you.  It rots you from the inside out. Bitterness, anger, sadness, loniless.  Those are its symptoms.  But, now i can say in total honesty that I no longer feel any anger towards him, nor love. I simply feel sorry that he will never see his son grow up.  And that is a shame.  I think of him on  occasion, like when i found out his favorite band was getting back together, or when they came out with the last Star Wars movie.  But, I beleive That God has finally prepared me for that husband and daughter He promised me 4 years ago.  and that is what is on my heart now.  

I hope I have not bored anyone.  I just felt this was a safe place to share.  I hope you will share too.  
Thank you
Love,
Shelly

 

Shelly- I dont judge you at all for being grateful he was gone.

Here's mine.  We met at the pool in my apartment complex back in 2002.  He was hot, I was hot, we were hot for eachother lol.  Things with us also moved very quickly, he moved in soon after.  He lost his job, turned into a bum, I kicked him out.  BUT we were still messing around and it was at that time that I became pregnant.  When I told him, his response was "I'll be there for the baby, but not for you."  At four months, he came knocking at my door in the middle of the night. Like a fool, I let him in.  He made my life a living hell, he stayed out all night, was drinking, experimenting with drugs, and was (severely) emotionally abusive.  At six months I kicked him out.  I was depressed and cried through all of it.  He couldnt handle me being over emotional, and I was over-emotional because he was a jerk.  I got violent.  For the first (and only) time in my lilfe, I started hitting a man.  The last straw came when he was supposed to give me money for the rent and walked in the house saying he gave it to someone else for something recreational (not drugs).  I flew off the couch and started swinging, he laid me on the floor and I kicked him in the gut.  He stood up and said he had to leave.  Exactly a week later, he got locked up. 

At the time, I begged and prayed for his release.  I didnt want to go into labor without him.  The baby was born and a few onths later he finally had his hearing and was given 48 months.  I was devastated.  I brought the baby to see him a few times, but every time I did, all he wanted to know is "who you effin?"  So, I stopped going.  My child is 3 1/2 and he has never asked me about her birth.  Ihave gotten one letter from him in a year.

BUT, I also came to acknowledge his sentence as a blessing from God.  It has given me time to heal and get myself together.  To recognize what my priorities are in life and how just because he is a sperm donor doesnt mean he is going to be a good family man.  I had peace in my heart for a while, but now that he is looking at release in September, I am getting tied in knots again.  I am afraid he is going knock on my door and disrupt our lives.  I dont think he is mature enough to be responsible.  In fact, he wasted his entire 4 years in prison.  He hasnt even gotten his GED (he lied to me and told me he graduated HS when we met), no vocational training, education, nothing.  In fact, he still has his original release date, no good time either. 

His family is not involved.  She is no more than a second thoguht to them.  We hadnt heard from them in over 2 years and she just saw them at the zoo (2 of them work there) a month ago and they dont seem to intersted in following up with her. 

Pisces mama,
Honey, it will be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but if that man comes around you MUST tell him to get lost.  No excuses. Do not allow him to have power over you.  He does not want do be a good dad.  He does not want to do right by you.  His only thought, I guarantee, is to mooch off of you and you don't need that.  mine tried the same garbage.  He thinks that he can play the sympathy game.  You will feel sorry for him becuase he doen't have anything.  I prya tht you don't giv ein.  You are a much better woman than that and you deserve so much better than that.  God has a perfect man out there for you.  God knows the desires of your heart.  He placed them there before you were ever born.  He knew the heartache that you would deal with.  It was to make you stronger.  Now, do not allow yourself to get pulled back into his lies and manipulation.  YOUR ARE A DAUGHTER OF THE KING!!! 

Shelly

Thanks Shelly!  Sometimes we need the motivation of others.  I sway back and forth about my feelings of his release.  I actually wrote him a letter inr eturn and enclosed a list of all her expenses (ie I pay this for daycare, that for health insurance) and if you are not ready to get involved in that then dont bother me, needles to say, I havent heard back.  It IS very hard to be strong, it's hard to give up the yearning for "a family" but I  just remind myself he's not a "family guy" he is not going to be the same type of husband or father that we see in other circumstances. 

Hello ladies.  First of all I want to say I am glad I found this group today!!  Lord knows we single moms, especially Christian need to support one another. Well my name is Patricia and I'm 29 mother of two, a girl 9yrs, and a boy 3yrs.  They are by two seperate fathers.  I guess i can start my story...
I had been a Christian and was serving God faithfully till my daughter turned 4.  I was engaged at the time to "my soulmate", I loved him with everything in me and he loved me, but most of all we loved God.  Words cannot express who this man was to me.  He unexpectedly passed away and my world lil by lil began to take a turn for the worst.   I thought my faith was okay at first but then lonliness got the best of me about a year later.  I met my sons dad.  He was great and everything he told me blew me away.  But he was not a Christian (Big mistake already).  I told myself I didnt need God to help me find a man.  Afterall God took the man of my dreams away so my pride got in the way and stole my dream and hopes.  I was celibant before I met this man so almost immediatly we started sleeping with eachother.  I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway.  He told me he was working as a electrician for several years, had a very bad childhood so that was why he wasnt close to his family.  I fell for the story and felt sorry for him.  We became so close I did anything for him in such a short period of time (mistake #2).  Then a month and a half into the relationship I found out he was cheating on me, wasnt working.  I was going to break up with him and leave him....Then he told me the truth and I feel for his sad story.  Then I found out I was pregnant.  So he told me more lies and I fell for that too. Said he wanted the baby and would take care of me and that he was sooo happy..yada, yada, yada.  And he played the game good ladies.  We got an apartment, a car, and he found a good job right away.  He bought my daughter clothes, took her to the zoo, bought her first bike and taught her how to ride it...i'm telling you he was good.  So things were good for several months.  Then he wants to start going to clubs with his friends from work that are single and he was not going to any clubs, he was going to strip joints.  He gave me a STD, so i found out he was cheating on me again with Lord knows who??  I was miserable.  Then he lost his job, we lost the apartment cause I lost my job due to all of the stress of him and my pregnancy so I moved with my sister.  He found another great job paying $16 an hour and wanted me to stay home and not worry about working, so i stayed with him.  Mainly due to fear I couldnt make it or support two kids by myself, not because I loved him.  He had hurt me soo much by this time.  So I'm since months pregnant and things go alright for the moment.  Till one day he leaves me in the middle of the night literally.  I woke up and he was gone along with all of his things. He didnt pay his cell phone bill so I couldnt call him. I had no idea as to why he left or what was going on. So obviously he wasnt working he lied to me once again.  I cried endlessly all day and night.  Waiting, praying, hoping, he would call me.  I knew something was up because he wouldnt have sex with me for a while so I knew he was cheating on me again.  Trust me ladies he is the only man that I ever forgave for cheating on me, but I was that far gone into depression and fear that I stayed with him.  I remember times of just begging him to stay with me.  I reported him for stealing my car since it was under my name, not his.  So I got the car reposessed since i couldnt afford payments. Yea I had good credit too before I met him.  Long story short I got the car back from him and the police gave him so many days to return the car or else he would go to jail, so he did. Found out he was living with some other single mom and her kid in another city.  I was beginning to notice the pattern.  He like to live off of single moms and smooch.  So my life went on w/o him till I gave birth to my son.  I was still depressed about this man leaving me like this.  So I called him a week after my son was born (Mistake #3).  I found out where he was staying and I told him you have a son now.  He was in shock, but at the same time sounded happy.  He wanted to see the baby so me being dumb took the baby to him in another city and then he gives me another story.  He wants me back, he is not happy with that girl he wants to support his son...blah, blah, blah.  I knew I was still weak so i got back with him, we moved with my mom, he found a job (again) and he was supposedly a proud dad for like a month.  I had gotten approved for an apartment with the housing dept.  So we moved, I was soo happy because i got tired of living with family.  another month, in the apartment he got his own vehicle by working in his own name. So then he thinks he can do wahtever the heck he wants with his own car. He started going out again, not coming home for days...whatever he wanted and leave me at alone with the baby crying again.  He lost his job once more and God woke me up.  I said this was enough.  I can raise my kids by myself but I refuse to try to raise up a grown man.  IF God can show me the ability and teach me how to be a mom, then he can do the same for him too.  But if he wants to ignore what God wants for him, then thats his lost.  I kicked him out of my apt.  he got in a fight with me because he wanted his TV's back that he bought with his money!! I told him he was crazy.  I'm not one for material things but all he was going to do was pawn them for money.  He got so angry he came to my apt. banging down my door and threatening me and my kids i called the police and he ran. I filed a report for harassment and had him banned from my aparment complex for good.  I never heard from him again and I was glad.  Later found out by his brother that he was doing drugs, and other things I wont mention because it is too degrading.  I'm glad I went through that because I learned how to be stronger and wiser. I've been single now for 3yrs but with God on my side I am blessed!!  Trust me women God will give you the strength to move on and have a better life.  I know God hears my prayers.   I'm lookin forward to meeting you guys and getting to know yall.

Hey Pat!  You are not alone when it comes to believing a man's lies.  My ex lied about everythingfrom having his HS diploma to what job he held (or even having one for that matter).  I believed everything he told me and felt like such a fool. 

I think the best thing God did for me was the 48months in prison.  It gave me enought ime to get my head on straight before having to deal with him.  I suffered from severe depression and no self esteem.  I hated myself.  It took me over 2.5 years to be able to look in the mirror again.  If he would have gotten out sooner I dont know how I would have made it.

Dawn

Thank You all for sharing!   I have been blesses by your courageous  testimonies  =D

It is empowering to hear you all overcoming the circumstances..

It has been about 2 yrs since I let go of His promises, put things in my own hnds, and my joy begun to slip away.  i forgot what it was like to be riding on the wings of the Lord; holding onto only the support of His promises.  I have missed Him and hearing His voice! 

Well below I have cut and paste my single mommy story... it is a bit detailed b/c it is from a letter I wrote a young mommy I met here on Cafemom, who is in the midst of the trial I was in, and we were sharing stories.. but writing it was the most cathartic experience in remembering -how the Lord brought me back home by blessing me with hope and my miracle baby.

When I met Matthew (my son's father) I was a mess.  My best-friend was killed in an accident 2yrs b4 and I found out i was sick and my fiance left me b/c he didn't think we could have a family.   Anywho to make a long story a bit shorter.. I cursed God (b/c I couldn't have children so I declared not to believe in Him unless He gave me a miracle >> a child) and became an alcoholic, and b/c i didn't want to get hurt by another man -I stopped dating and cursed love too.  I know this is a crazy start but please bare with me...

Well after 2yrs of all this mess... I was drunk one night and met Matthew at a restaurant.  I didn't know he worked there, even though I was a regular.  I was under age (20) and the restaurant never carded me, so I would be there every night.  Matthew saw me outside Somehow i gave him my #.. which BTW I never did.   For those who know me, these yrs were difficult for them to see me)  But then Matthew came a along!!!  =)

 I wasn't his type and he wasn't mine; we were like night and day.. completely different, but totally complementary.   Our relationship was very fast... but extremely deep.  I have never met a sweeter man.  It was weird, but there was something about him;  I was never sad around him.  He was very romantic and would light candles and have his place all cozy for me when i got done with work.  He would cook and have movies and just plan out the night so we could hang out and talk.  From the first day I met him I talked to him every day, from the week after we met ,I saw him every day -and everyday was beautiful.  The first time i stayed at his place.. he didn't try anything (which is refreshing -you don't find guys like that in SD) he held me through the night.  come to think of it-he held me every night!

Anywho, he showed me how to love again and I loved him! 

He took me as I was -an emotional mess - and to his surprise he loved me too.  He was just as shocked as I was. He had girlfriends b4 but they were always just for fun -yes he was a dog once upon a time.  Thank God it wasn't with me. 

It was strange that we loved eachother..we had nothing in common but dancing (and even that was different in every way)  We both went dancing every weekend (it was our life), but he went one way and I went the another.  After we were done par-tay-in we would meet up.  It was strange, but it worked. He wasn't jealous, rude, or mean...like all the other men I dated.  He allowed me my independence and enjoyed hearing my stories and I enjoyed his.  After partayin we would spend the rest of the night telling eachother of the fun time we had. 

I became pregnant very early -4months later.  but that is how our relationship went.. i moved in with him after 2months.  He was sooo happy when we found out.  He kind of had a feeling I was prego.  but by that time I figured out he was an emotional mess too.  He would get in these lows that even in my emotional depression -I couldn't even understand.  IT all started after his parents put his son Caleb (5yrs at the time) up for adoption.  We were trying to get Caleb, but we asked if they could keep him for 1yr, so we could get our own place (we had 4 roommates).  The boy's mother got him taken away when he was born, and the poor little guy has been tossed and turned in the system b/c she couldn't stop drinking and doing drugs when she was pregnant with him.  Matthew couldn't get custody b/c the mother told the courts the dad was dead,  and Matthew was only 15 at the time and had no $$$ for paternity.  So he was excited at first when the mother's aunt (who had custody of the boy all those yrs) dropped him off at his parents' doorsteps.  Of course they were in the East coast and we were in Cali.  So we were trying to figure out how to get him here.. then they sent him away.  

Matthew fell soo deep when that happened and it was difficult to watch him go through it.  He got drunk one night and scratched up his wrists.  I got home from work and found him.  He didn't  try to commit suicide but made it look like he was.  I called the mental hospital, but it was night and they made me call the cops to get him.. He said he wouldn't get help unless I went with him, but the cops wouldn't let me go, so he somehow convinced the drs. that he didn't need help and came home that night.

After that night i was scared.  I was 20 and never dealt with suicide.  I know i was depressed but never to that point.  Then when i found out i was pregnant, i was realy scared.  In the Drs' office I heard a voice say i would be a single mother... I didn't know the Lord yet, so I blew the voice off; but it reminded me of the promise I made to God 2yrs earlier... Matthew and I began to fight a lot b/c i was emotional and he was sinking deeper and deeper.  He was soo happy to be having a baby, but scared b/c we didn't have a place.  He had been homeless his first 2yrs in SD and he had the worst experience.. when i met him he had just gotten off the streets.  (that is another long story) He hated it here and wanted to move back to where he was from, but my entire family is here and I was afraid to move so far from my support and have a baby and have to deal w/ his bipolar -alone. 

Ok so i notice how long this has gotten.. so i'll try to sum it up here.
   

We did eventually get our own place and he began to get better -so i thought. (but he would't get on meds) I found out he was using drugs to stabilize his swings.  Once my son was born I returned to the Lord, b/c only God can open the womb, and he had given me a baby regardless of me having a utero type cancer.. not to mention my horrible declaration.  Now the cancer is miraculously and completely gone and I miraculously have a child! 

Matthew didn't want to have anything to do with God (he was raised Mormon.. i didn't know what that was at the time), so I had to leave him. I knew The Lord had my back, and I wanted to follow Him no matter what the decision.  I moved down the street and still cared for him, but had to make the best decision for my boy.  I couldn't have him in a house of drugs.  I was still there for Matthew, but he felt it wasn't enough if I didn't live w/ him.  he lost his job but pretended he still had it.. he lost his house. Totaled his car.  and fought with me everyday.  I had to break away!!! 

I called his mother who had just moved to washington and got custody of Caleb, so I got him a bus pass and he moved up there.   He didn't want to leave us, but I knew our son would be alright... I was worried about him (he needed help that I couldn't give him) and Caleb needed to know he had a parent who loved him.  Matthew did good at first, but then his mother had to move out and Matthew wasn't settled with a job or place (this was 1yr later).  His mom moved to a place where only her and Caleb were welcome.. so 3 days before the eviction date.. after his mom moved out -he hung himself. 

 I talked to him 1 week earlier and he was very happy -i found out  in school that if a person is suicidal, and they all of a sudden become happy that means they have decided to follow through.  He pinned to himself a letter to everyone saying what he wanted and this beautiful love letter to me.

I miss him terribly and hate raising our son without them knowing eachother.  I knew i would pretty much be doing this alone, but never thought that it would be -THIS ALONE.    I fell into a deep depression for the first yr after that, and cried everyday.  But then the Lord led me to my church and He has healed the wound, but the trial has become more difficult now that our son is older and wants to know his father.

Well thanx for reading if you got to this point...
Blessings

danica

Danica, your story blows me away. Thanks for sharing. You have come so far, through so much, it's wonderful. God is with you.

  Honestly, I didn't truly realize what an ordeal I have been through w/ my son's father until I transfered to my 4yr college.  I think it is b/c the Lord carried me through all that!  Honestly this burden is light.  The only thing that bothers me is that my son will never know his father -here or possibly in heaven =(   
But God knows what He is doing, and He has my son in His arms, so the pain of it is now a faint lingering sting.  But I have to tell ya; when I was going through it.... well you know. =/

Blessings
D