How do you get over the pain???

Lori,

I'm sorry that you're going through this and I know it is hard. You can not make Kurt care no matter what you do. For you and your son you have to learn to forgive him and go on, and the only way you can do this is with prayer and getting closer to God.You are blessed with a healthy baby and now you have to concentrate on the two of you. Set your focus and your goals to better yourself, your son deserves it. Life is short and babies grow up fast, make your life happy. Bitterness will eat up alot of time and your health. If you can find a good Christian counselor , talk to her. You can always talk to me if you want. I've dealt with alot of stuff over my lifetime because of hurt and pain and you can overcome this  with help. Try writing him a letter expressing all your feelings, you don't have to mail it, and then forgive him and go on. I know forgiveness is hard, but you are commanded by God to forgive and He will help you to do just that if you lean on Him.

I feel your pain. My son was 16 months old when I got seperated from my abusive husband. He apid child support but was uninterested in his son (even while we were all in the same house). I was also preggo with our daughter when I left. After a year of seperation, he very rarely visited and almost never called except to cuss me out for continuing to breathe! The one and only time he decided to be a dad was when we went back to court to finalize the divorce and he decided he wanted 100% custody of his son, NOT!!

What I did was kept a VERY detailed journal of when and how long he visited or called about his son the entire time we were seperated. I also made a color coded calendar for when he was allowed to visit (twice a week and every other weekend) and when he actually visited (sometimes he'd go 2 or 3 months without a visit, or it would just be 15 minutes). This "evidence" helped convice the judge that I was right and I got custody. He then started visiting his son, but after his daughter was born, he never visited until she was about 1 year old, even then, not like he was suppose to. I was very bitter and hurt in the beginning. It's normal. After things were final, I was angry that he never tried harder and that he would never go to coucelling (while we were married or seperated).  He visit's his kids now, but only because now they are "fun to be with".

You will eventually forgive him. It takes a long time, a lot of soul searching, months of lying to yourself to convince yourself you actually forgive him, months of lying to others that you forgive him (when you really want to see him under a moving truck on the freeway) and then, eventually, you will get to a place of indiference when it just doesn't matter anymore and it doesn't hurt anymore. You will accept that he is who he is and you cannot change it and just mentally move on.

I would cut out the updates and such unless he asks about them. If you cut them out, he may even start inquiring about his son (if that is what you want). Also, I don't like my ex, but I don't hate him either. I do let my kids go to visit there grandma and grandpa, this was actually harder in the beginning too. They were almost more bitter at the seperation than the ex was and they had told me it was the only way??!!!?!?!?!?!  You do have to be the GROWN UP in this situation. You have to SHOW them forgiveness before they can show it back. Even if it's not your fault, anger can run deep and you need to get to a point where you just have to get over it. You are doing great keeping grandma and grandpa in the loop, but go over and visit (if they are close) and just spend time with them. Don't ask about daddy or how he is not helping or interested, they don't want to hear it. Just let the kids spend time with them. Eventually, they will fall in love with the grandkids and start telling their son to "step up to the plate"!!

Last but not least, pray, pray, pray about it. God works miracles. It won't happen over night, but if you keep praying or dad's heart to change, it will eventually, just keep being the grown up. Took mine 3 years to come around and even still he tries to get me every now and then, just to be mean, but it's who he is.

Hope this helps. Sorry its so long.

The best thing that I can tell you to do is pray.  I know it is easier said than done, and at times it may seem so simple that prayer may not be enough.  But prayer is one of the most powerful tools that we have.  And it is the one thing that will help you past the pain that you are feeling.  The one thing that I had to learn, concerning my children's father and his family,  Is that I can not change their heart for wanting to be part of my children's life.  No matter what I do. I don't have the power to.  But, I know that God does.  So I encourage you to humble yourself before God and be honest to Him about how you feel, and ask God to search your heart, and expose those things that should not be there.  Ask God to help you focus on Him and not the pain you are feeling.  Trust God to provide for you and your children.  Focus on what God is and able to do in this situation.  Focus on allowing God to change you as a mother and women of God daily.  In my situation dealing with the pain of what their father and I have gone through, did not happen overnight.  I have come a long way, but there are times when I start feeling hurt and angry all over again.  But I have learned not to stay at that place, so I move on real quick.  And you have to find it in yourself to do the same.  Realize, the more you pray about this situaion or anything in your life, it takes you to whole new levels in Him.  And, it also release God to do what He needs to do in your situaion.  Learn to trust God, with the Father of your son through prayer, because you never know how God may begin to change his heart for his son.  Without you having to do anything.  That goes the same for his family.  But in the mean time Focus and prayer for yourself and your Children.  And trust that even thogh you may not see a change, God is working your behalf.  So prayer and not focusing on your situation will help you move past the pain.  Just keep your eyes on how big your GOD is, And what he is able to do.  I forgot, trust God to work in those areas in your son's life where a father touch is needed.  And even if his father is never in the picture, trust and beleive that God will raise up another Man to love and guide your son, to help him grow In the purpose God has called your son to be...

Hi miss lori!       Hey your son is really cute! I know exactly what you are going through!

I left my husband at 3 months pregnant becuz he was abusive. He didn't want counseling and told me to leave. I tried in the beginning to keep the contact but the rejection was just hurting me more!

He never came to any appointment either or the delivery. So for mercy sake, when she was born, i wrote a letter to tell hime the sex, then i never heard a response.

Now he is MIA, i never write hime, he knows nothing about her, never saw even a pic. I dont think he deserves that. If he's not making an effort why should I?

I did forgive hime though and it helped. Im moving on and i put him in Gods hands!

I do wonder whether i shoud contact his parents though, they never met her either!

So i know your pain, you think of him EVERYDAY!!! How can you not when you are caring for hisw offspring everyday.

Just keep your eyes on Jesus and know he has a plan for you and your son regardless of the past. God bless you and your son!

I will tell you this from my very own experience that I am currently going through....

YOU CANNOT MAKE A GROWN MAN DO ANYTHING !!!!!

Just because he is a certain age doesn't mean that he has the mental capacity or responsibility factor... he is acting as if this is high school and he can just drop his responsibilities as if they will just disappear.

I would leave it up to the courts to decide what comes out of his check and if he gets visitation... at least you won't have to deal with the drama of trying to make him be in your son's life.

I know that it is hard b/c you want your son to know his father, but you cannot make the father do anything he doesn't want to do.

As far as sending him updates, I would stop doing that because it just adds to your hurt when he doesn't respond. I would limit it to the important things like if your son (God forbid) happens to have to go to the ER or if it is his birthday and you are inviting him to the party, or if he is graduating from kindergarten, high school, etc... otherwise leave him be. God will deal with him.

In the mean time, and I truly mean what I am about to say. ....

Ask God to wipe your heart clean... the reason ... so that you can  move forward and be a better mother to your son. Not that you are not one now... but having hurt and hatred and other bad feelings in your heart eventually show on the outside and you don't want your sone to pick up on those negative feelings. You want him to know that you are a strong woman who despite the actions of his father, you his mother makes every effort to make sure his world is secure and safe. How can you lead your son in the way of God if your heart is full of hurt and hate.

Will this happen overnight? Of course not, but little by little you will find yourself letting this situation go and focusing on the more important things in life (other than this so called father to your son)... you will reposition yourself for greatness and improvement everyday. By letting this situation go and giving it to God completely, you will find a great release and freedom in having  no ought in your heart and being able to live life free and clear with no hatred in your heart.

I am only telling you this because I am still going through it myself, and although I am not there completely yet, I can tell you that it has gotten easier to accept the fact that God is still in control and that all thing truly do work together for the good for them who love God and for those who are called according to his purpose.

The only way you can be defeated in this situation is if YOU ALLOW IT !!! Never let the devil get one up on you... you are a child of the MOST HIGH GOD.... don't you know GOD CAN DO ANYTHING EXCEPT FAIL... leave it to hiim and he will work it all out for you... just you watch and see God do  it for you.

I will be praying for you that God gives you strength to endure and peace in your heart in regards to this situation.

Crystal

I don't know if the hurt ever goes away. It just gets easier to deal with.

I've been in the same boat with my oldest daughter father and I thought that it would never end.  Everytime I thought about him I would constantly cry and was very angry about the whole thing.  I knew that I was over him when I was able to be in the same room without smacking him for denying his daughter and when his new girlfriend no longer made me want to hurl.  It was once I put my faith in God that I knew that everything was going to be okay.  You'll eventually get to that point.  Just grieve so that you don't become cold hearted because it happened to me and it wasn't greatest feeling in the world.  Just know that God have a plan for you life and that plan don't involve him.  And remember that prayer is the key to overcoming obstacles.  I like to think of it as God take care of his children.  We will take care of you and your family.  Continue being a wonderful mother to those children and when you feel overwhelmed call on Jesus because he won't put more on you than you can bear.  I pray that this give you comfort and you family will be in my prayer.  If you need to talk, I'm all ears and I've been told that I was a good listener.

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles.  My husband filed for divorce when I was 4 months pregnant.

The best answer I have for you that hs carried me through this all -  Jesus Christ!!!

My prayers are with you!!!

Hello,

I know and feel your pain. My son's father did for him only when he was in his life. Once we broke up he was there when he decided that it was good for him. The only thing you can do is look to the future.

Know that God is there for you and loves you and wants to help. Pray to him as much as you can and let him know how you feel. You must decide to let go of the feelings of being hurt. I know that this is not easy.

I dealt with a mentally, verbally, and physically abusive mother for 13 years. So I know what you mean when you said you felt very angry and hurt about his actions. I felt the same way about my mother.

You have to do what is best for you and your child. The only way to do that is to focus on what you do want in your life and being the best mother you can for your son. Send a letter and pictures to his family and let them show you how to handle dealing or not dealing with them.

Pray for him and ask God to help him. I know that this is very hard. It took me a while to be able to do that for my mother. I decided that I would not give anyone hold or control of my life and that it was best for me if I forgave as I want God to forgive me for my mistakes.

Give it to the Father God and know and believe within your heart that he listens and heals. I am here for you and will be as long as you decide you want me to be.

Wishing You Health, Wealth, and Abundance,

Minister Tabitha Variance

She is telling you the truth. In fact, every reply in here are from their heart and they are very right. You can't make a man do anything he doesn't want to do and for some reason, he never wants to do it the right way, esp. if that's what you want. I think its because God wants us to learn to trust Him in everything and let Him lead us. Alot of men shirk at responsibility, esp.if children are involved. This is sad, but so true. So instead of feeling bitter, pray, pray, pray! Don't let yourself use up your energy on getting anxious over him, leave him to God. Use your energy on teaching your children, reading to them, spending time with them. You mark my words, God will take care of the father that's not doing what is his rightful duty. It may not happen for many years, but it will happen in God's time and His way. Just make sure your heart is right. Its been many years for me, but my youngest son is reaping the benefits. He never has had his dad around and he's 16. But he is a responsible individual and has his head screwed on right.

Like in my case, you may be thankful, years later, that you didn't have to deal with him through his "growing up" years. (I'm talking about your baby's dad). Will be praying for you. Keep us updated.   Love in Christ,  Debby

Quoting quagmirecrys:

I will tell you this from my very own experience that I am currently going through....

YOU CANNOT MAKE A GROWN MAN DO ANYTHING !!!!!

Just because he is a certain age doesn't mean that he has the mental capacity or responsibility factor... he is acting as if this is high school and he can just drop his responsibilities as if they will just disappear.

I would leave it up to the courts to decide what comes out of his check and if he gets visitation... at least you won't have to deal with the drama of trying to make him be in your son's life.

I know that it is hard b/c you want your son to know his father, but you cannot make the father do anything he doesn't want to do.

As far as sending him updates, I would stop doing that because it just adds to your hurt when he doesn't respond. I would limit it to the important things like if your son (God forbid) happens to have to go to the ER or if it is his birthday and you are inviting him to the party, or if he is graduating from kindergarten, high school, etc... otherwise leave him be. God will deal with him.

In the mean time, and I truly mean what I am about to say. ....

Ask God to wipe your heart clean... the reason ... so that you can  move forward and be a better mother to your son. Not that you are not one now... but having hurt and hatred and other bad feelings in your heart eventually show on the outside and you don't want your sone to pick up on those negative feelings. You want him to know that you are a strong woman who despite the actions of his father, you his mother makes every effort to make sure his world is secure and safe. How can you lead your son in the way of God if your heart is full of hurt and hate.

Will this happen overnight? Of course not, but little by little you will find yourself letting this situation go and focusing on the more important things in life (other than this so called father to your son)... you will reposition yourself for greatness and improvement everyday. By letting this situation go and giving it to God completely, you will find a great release and freedom in having  no ought in your heart and being able to live life free and clear with no hatred in your heart.

I am only telling you this because I am still going through it myself, and although I am not there completely yet, I can tell you that it has gotten easier to accept the fact that God is still in control and that all thing truly do work together for the good for them who love God and for those who are called according to his purpose.

The only way you can be defeated in this situation is if YOU ALLOW IT !!! Never let the devil get one up on you... you are a child of the MOST HIGH GOD.... don't you know GOD CAN DO ANYTHING EXCEPT FAIL... leave it to hiim and he will work it all out for you... just you watch and see God do  it for you.

I will be praying for you that God gives you strength to endure and peace in your heart in regards to this situation.

 

Crystal