The good old Religious Right, RR for short, has been getting on my nerves a lot lately. Politically, I am not a leftist in the slightest, but my politics are based on pragmatic views which I willingly allow to be subverted by the Bible. That means that I might think a given economic system works the best, but the ethical demands placed upon me by God supersede the pragmatic foundations of my economic theory. In other words, a just economic system has a higher moral value than say having the smoothest or most stable economy. This puts me in a weird place where the injustice of our current system makes me look–I believe under the guidance of Scripture–much more “liberal” than I probably really am. This half-way an outsider perspective has helped me look closely at the Religious Right/Evangelical Conservatives in a way that I feel was impossible a few years ago. What follows is simply an unorganized list at the most galling hypocrisies that I have noticed.
RR on Guns: Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Inanimate objects can’t cause people to do things, it is the sin in their heart.
RR on Contraception in Schools: ZOMG, the condoms and birth control will make all the children instantly break out in orgies. Save the children! Abstinence education only.
Conclusion: Inanimate objects can only make people have sex.
RR on women: God really wants a woman to stay home and take care of the kids. That’s her highest calling.
RR on poor women: Why should I pay anyone to sit on their butts? Those lazy whores need to get to work.
Conclusion: If white women stay home, they are doing God’s work. If black women stay home, they are lazy (and probably promiscuous).
RR on tiny humans: Life begins at the moment of fertilization. Every embryo is a gift from God. God loves life and demands we protect it.
RR on big humans: Incarcerate everyone and load the system with mandatory minimums. Execute as many criminals as possible. Preserve American hegemony through armed conflict on the thinnest of pretexts.
Conclusion: God loves babies. Screw everybody else.
RR on regulations: The government needs to stop intruding in the lives of its citizens. It just needs to leave me alone.
RR on gay marriage: Marriage is a religious institution that the government needs to regulate to save it from all the queers.
Conclusion: Government intrusion in the lives of sinners is always acceptable
RR on evolution: Teach the controversy!
RR on homeschooling/private schools: Don’t teach the controversy! Evolution-free zones!
Conclusion: Darwin is the Schroedinger’s Cat of RR education policy
RR on Israel: God gave them that land! Those Arabs and Terrorists, but I repeat myself, need to GTFO.
RR on Tattoos/Pork/Mixed-fiber clothing: That’s OT stuff and purely ceremonial.
Conclusion: All that stuff God said about foreigners and strangers was ceremonial.
RR on Ford: You are covered in gay cooties and we won’t buy your cars until you’ve had a shower and said you are sorry for offending us.
RR on Chick-Fil-A: Freedom of Speech! Saint Cathy of the Chicken Sandwich has been persecuted and is being led to Fowl Golgotha!
Conclusion: Freedom of Speech means agreeing with the RR.
I have more, but you get the idea. These shenanigans are tiresome, and I don’t feel like holding back my mockery any longer.