Another post of the recent funnies from the site!
Today, my mom came home drunk and yelled at me for 20 minutes for not feeding the cat. We don't have a cat. FML
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Today, my boyfriend and I cleaned his parents' whole house while they were out, just to be nice. When they came home, they assumed we only did it because we'd made some huge mess that we needed to hide. I'm now banned from their house. FML
I had to stand next to my wife at the supermarket, beet-red and
pretending not to exist; about half an hour into our shopping, she
completely lost her shit at the advertising on the loudspeaker, turned
to another patron, and screamed into his face to shut the fuck up. FML
Today, my family was celebrating my grandma's 90th birthday. I pulled a little prank and got candles that keep relighting. After a few blows, my grandma fainted. FML
my girlfriend admitted to me that she has been sleeping with someone on
her girls basketball team, which at first turned me on. Then I found out he's the team manager. FML
Today, while in my room on the computer, I had a sudden urge to pee. I got up to use the loo and started hearing some disturbing noises from inside. Apparently I was so quiet my parents thought I was gone and decided to have sex in the shower. It's been an hour and my bladder is about to burst. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend while we were on my couch having a romantic moment. She seemed incredibly excited when she saw the ring and put it on. The way she bolted out the door tells me I'm not going to see her again. FML
Today, after finishing a test, I decided to draw to pass the time. My teacher looked at the drawing and gave me a referral to the principal for drawing an "anti-Semitic picture." I'd drawn Superman. FML
my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I share a birthday
with a fictional character who is "untrustworthy" and has a "dark
side", so therefore I can't be trusted either. FML
Today, I started at my first job.
Within the first five minutes of arriving, I was followed around by a
white guy who repeatedly sang to me, "Black people love making music"
along with a few of his own songs. It resulted in me getting fired for bringing my "boyfriend" to work. I didn't even know him. FML
Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML
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