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I don't feel strong anymore. (long, sorry)

Posted by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 9:17 PM
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I have been crying for hours. These 9 days have been hell. In the beginning I felt I had so much support and everyone kept telling me how strong I was. But I feel done, I have hit my brick wall...

My son was born on the 29th. My water broke and nothing happened, just like last time. I had to be induced again. I know labor doesnt always go as planned, but I really didn't want the exact same disappointment I had last time. I didn't feel as strong and labor seemed harder than last time. By the time I was ready to push I was DONE! I pushed him out in 3 minutes.

He seemed fine at first. He was 3 days shy of 37weeks. But after they cut his cord he started to decline. They took him from me and went to check him. He coded. Right there in front of my hubby and I. Thankfully my midwife, name Angel how fitting, immediately started chest compressions. The nicu team raced in. It was so scary. They got him stable and took him to the nicu.

His lungs were a little underdeveloped and he had lots of fluid in his lungs. He ended up with pneumonia. It was a full week before he ever opened his eyes for us. He was just so sick. Today is day 9 and he is making great improvements. He was on a ventilator for awhile but has now graduated to just a little oxygen. He even got to try nursing today. Didn't go as well as I wanted it to tho.

He just needs to eat and breathe on his own. We are so close, he has come so far. But I just feel spent.

I have only seen my daughter for 4 hours in 9 days. I miss her. I am tired of spending 8-10 hours at the hospital most of which is by myself. My hubby is doing great and being helpful but hasnt had much time off.

The hospital seemed so helpful and supportive at first. But now that he is doing better they don't seem to be as much. My parent's seems less supportive too. Maybe because my step grandpa is dying. (One more stress, I am so worried about how I am going to go to a funeral 3 hours away.)

When my daughter was born my ex hubby and I separated then divorced. I was going thru so much I felt like I missed out on her newborn phase. I was SO looking forward to enjoying my son's new born phase. He will most likely be our last. Especially after the scare he gave us! Now I feel I have missed most of his first week. I am heartbroken.

I just need to find the strength to get through the next little bit. I know I will find it somehow. I just needed to complain. I don't like showing my weakness, except to my hubby.

I am going to try and get some extra sleep. I have a long day of trying to get baby to nurse ahead of me tomorrow! Thanks for listening.

Oh and we named him Ash Orion. He was 6lbs 12oz and 20 inches. He is handsome. Looks a lot like his daddy. (Who is amazing with him!)

I can't wait until the 4 of us can finally be together!
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by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 9:17 PM
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Replies (1-7):
HeathrAtPampers
by Head Admin on Jan. 9, 2013 at 12:13 PM

I can't image going thru this and hope you're feeling better today!  Stay strong, take one day at a time, and remember you'll soon get to take your little miracle home!  Sending lots of ((hugs)) and thoughts your way and please keep us in the loop :)  

I thought you might be interested in our "Love Comes Early" parent story ( http://www.youtube.com/pampers 

 

HeatherAtPampers

HeathrAtPampers
by Head Admin on Jan. 9, 2013 at 12:21 PM
1 mom liked this

hugsand please check your inbox.....

HeatherAtPampers

AspensMama1537
by Bronze Member on Jan. 9, 2013 at 4:29 PM
Thanks. Yesterday was way better. Sometimes all you need is a good cry/vent and a good night's sleep.

The lactation nurse and the social worker came by yesterday. It really helped to have some people to talk to.

My step grandpa passed away yesterday. I am thankful he is no longer hurting. I am worried about my grandma tho. The funeral might end up being where I live instead of 3 hours away. Hopefully I will be able to go.

Ash is doing great! We are looking at discharge in a day or two. He is almost breathing room air and his nursing sessions are getting better.

I keep thinking how we have been in the nicu less than 2 weeks. There are lots of parent's whose babies are here months. My heart goes out to all of them. They baby sharing a room with Ash has been here 7weeks. She still has a ways to go too. Her parent's have 2 kids at home. They aren't able to be here very much. I can tell its so hard for them.

Oh and on a Pamper's note...
They have him in huggies, he is constantly peeing thru them! His clothes keep getting wet. They have tried newborn and size 1. I can't wait to get him in some Pampers!


Quoting HeathrAtPampers:

I can't image going thru this and hope you're feeling better today!  Stay strong, take one day at a time, and remember you'll soon get to take your little miracle home!  Sending lots of ((hugs)) and thoughts your way and please keep us in the loop :)  


I thought you might be interested in our "Love Comes Early" parent story ( http://www.youtube.com/pampers 


 


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Timon6903
by Member on Jan. 10, 2013 at 11:43 PM
Hugs momma... It gets easier I promise! The NICU is a hard and scary place to be. I know you won't get that time back with him but know your not alone. Make sure you definitely talk to someone, anyone about what's going on and how you feel as it becomes overwhelming and often a traumatic time (which can be awful by itself mixed in with hormones). Just try to focus on the day to day stuff with your family, think of all the good things and the progress.

As for the support I think you should see it as a good sign the hospital is backing off a bit, and know that the job of a NICU nurse is a hard one and other babies may need them more. I can't wait to see pictures of your little man!! It's going to feel so great when you get to bring him home!!!
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Timon6903
by Member on Jan. 10, 2013 at 11:48 PM
Oh and.. You don't have to feel strong, it is okay to cry, sometimes it's just what you need to do and no one will think your not strong if you have a little crying session (the poor NICU nurses and all of my friends saw me lose it multiple times.... Sometimes in the same hour... There was even an incident at a restaurant where I cried in front of the waitress)
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meam4444
by Bronze Member on Jan. 11, 2013 at 5:10 PM
((((Hugs)))))
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KCN72782
by Bronze Member on Jan. 12, 2013 at 11:34 PM
*hugs* glad your days are getting better
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