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Who has semi adult children?

Posted by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 10:35 PM
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 My ds wrecked his car in Sept.  He has a part time job but probably doesn't bring home more than $400 per month. I hate to take his money but I don't believe he wants to return to college. He is applying for better paying jobs on Post.  Well, he pays $100 per month for his insurance and cell phone.  He'll pay for the used car we bought yesterday but I really hate taking his money. I just feel that he needs to see how hard it will be in life if he doesn't go to college and gets a good job.
How have you handled similar situations with your adult children? 
I thought I had all the answers when my kids were younger but things change.

by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 10:35 PM
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Replies (1-9):
jamielynnef2
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 10:56 PM
Well, mike and Scott aren't mine per say....but we have raised them like our own for the last 10yrs....

I felt the same way about mike.....I didn't want to take his money when he first started.....I let him have his tiny little pay checks to spend how he saw fit...then once hr proved that he couldn't handle that....I started taking his money.....only, I didn't....I'm still taking his money...but not ....lol....I'm making him pay me with every check....when he needs sometging he doesn't have enough money for, I give it to him and then make him pay me back...HOWEVER......all the money he "pays" me I put into a savings account that I have JUST for him....yet I'm still making him save to buy a car...he doesn't know that I have all that money put aside untouched for him, and he won't until he either moves out when IIIIII know urs ready not him OR he goes off to college....then I will use that money to help him pay for bills he cant afford so he only has to work part time while attending college ....

Now that I wrote you a novel...lol....I think if you aren't truly comfortable with taking his money,yet feel he needs to know how hard it is out there and why you think college is important for him (Idk that college is for everyone, but that's for your family to.decide :-) ) then take his money but put is aside for him for later :-) ....I'm sure there are more experienced moms who can help you better though lol....
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singlemom1208
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 10:58 PM
Well, Sylas doesn't have to pay rent yet. Lol. I've paid my own insurance and car payments since I got my first car at 17. I started paying rent when I graduated from college. But I still had to pay my gas, insurance, car payment, phone bill, ect while in school
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Sassy762
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 11:00 PM

Take the money and put it into an account for him. He doesn't have to know what you did with the money.

I did the same for my son when he moved back home a few years ago. I charged him 100.00 a week rent, because he had  his bedroom, the summer kitchen and full bathroom plus the basement family room almost for his exclusive use. Where we were living a one-bedroom apartment would cost at least 1200 a month rent and that didn't include any utilities. He would have had to pay the rent, electricty, gas, cable and his food. Plus he would have to pay for transportation to and from work and use a laundromat.

Here at my house he lived very well for 400.00 a month. Food, electricity, gas, cable, heat/ac, water, cable (all channels), internet & phone was included PLUS I did his laundry for him, I would wash, dry fold and iron and hang up his clothes for him, lol I cooked all of his meals.

When he moved into his own apartment I gave him all the money I had saved from him paying rent.....he was shocked. BUT He now knows how hard it is to work and have to pay your own bills. 

taKENheart
by Heatherly on Jan. 14, 2013 at 11:09 PM

 Jamie, oh Jamie you really do know me so well :)
I appreciate you telling me how you have handled being mom to your brothers.  I admire you so much for what you have been able to do for them.
You are right! I am not comfortable taking his money at all. He earns very little but he was irresponsible this last half year with his behavior so I do feel like I need to teach him a lesson.  I don't think he wants to attend college again so he needs to see how hard it is so I hope dh will agree with me that we should save his money or at least half of it.  If anyone told me that it would be even more difficult to be a mom I wouldn't have believed them. I thought I knew how I would handle this situation but I was wrong. I laugh at my young self now.

Quoting jamielynnef2:

Well, mike and Scott aren't mine per say....but we have raised them like our own for the last 10yrs....

I felt the same way about mike.....I didn't want to take his money when he first started.....I let him have his tiny little pay checks to spend how he saw fit...then once hr proved that he couldn't handle that....I started taking his money.....only, I didn't....I'm still taking his money...but not ....lol....I'm making him pay me with every check....when he needs sometging he doesn't have enough money for, I give it to him and then make him pay me back...HOWEVER......all the money he "pays" me I put into a savings account that I have JUST for him....yet I'm still making him save to buy a car...he doesn't know that I have all that money put aside untouched for him, and he won't until he either moves out when IIIIII know urs ready not him OR he goes off to college....then I will use that money to help him pay for bills he cant afford so he only has to work part time while attending college ....

Now that I wrote you a novel...lol....I think if you aren't truly comfortable with taking his money,yet feel he needs to know how hard it is out there and why you think college is important for him (Idk that college is for everyone, but that's for your family to.decide :-) ) then take his money but put is aside for him for later :-) ....I'm sure there are more experienced moms who can help you better though lol....

 

taKENheart
by Heatherly on Jan. 14, 2013 at 11:11 PM

 :) he's still so young and a cutie I must add!
How were you able to do that?  I just think it must be so hard for young adults these days.  Working hard and going to school...struggling.  I didn't want them to struggle but he's thinking that he doesn't want to go to college so I feel like I have to teach him how hard it will be...at least until he lands a better job.
Ugh, this is so hard.

Quoting singlemom1208:

Well, Sylas doesn't have to pay rent yet. Lol. I've paid my own insurance and car payments since I got my first car at 17. I started paying rent when I graduated from college. But I still had to pay my gas, insurance, car payment, phone bill, ect while in school

 

taKENheart
by Heatherly on Jan. 14, 2013 at 11:22 PM

 I plan to but I hope dh agrees that we should. I think he's upset about the college thing.  I don't know how old your son was when that ocurred but my son is 19.  He was diagnosed with Autism when he was 4. He is very capable of doing many things so I would say he is high functioning.  He only makes $400 a month right now and I'm thinking that he should change to a full time job.  I am trying to get him a job on Post but it's a hard thing to get.  I don't like that he doesn't desire college. He says that he doesn't need much and that is probably true but I want him to earn enough to be happy in his daily life.  He has no desire to have children either. I always thought I would be a grandma :/
 I'm going to see if we can buy a small house in town once he gets a better paying job. In a couple of years he can move into it and we'll put his monthly payments into it.  Something like that, LOL...I'm still trying to figure it out.

Quoting Sassy762:

Take the money and put it into an account for him. He doesn't have to know what you did with the money.

I did the same for my son when he moved back home a few years ago. I charged him 100.00 a week rent, because he had  his bedroom, the summer kitchen and full bathroom plus the basement family room almost for his exclusive use. Where we were living a one-bedroom apartment would cost at least 1200 a month rent and that didn't include any utilities. He would have had to pay the rent, electricty, gas, cable and his food. Plus he would have to pay for transportation to and from work and use a laundromat.

Here at my house he lived very well for 400.00 a month. Food, electricity, gas, cable, heat/ac, water, cable (all channels), internet & phone was included PLUS I did his laundry for him, I would wash, dry fold and iron and hang up his clothes for him, lol I cooked all of his meals.

When he moved into his own apartment I gave him all the money I had saved from him paying rent.....he was shocked. BUT He now knows how hard it is to work and have to pay your own bills. 

 

Sassy762
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 11:25 PM
1 mom liked this

When he moved back the 2nd time ( he has been in and out a few times) he was 21 going on 22 when he moved in that time, lol  

Quoting taKENheart:

 I plan to but I hope dh agrees that we should. I think he's upset about the college thing.  I don't know how old your son was when that ocurred but my son is 19.  He was diagnosed with Autism when he was 4. He is very capable of doing many things so I would say he is high functioning.  He only makes $400 a month right now and I'm thinking that he should change to a full time job.  I am trying to get him a job on Post but it's a hard thing to get.  I don't like that he doesn't desire college. He says that he doesn't need much and that is probably true but I want him to earn enough to be happy in his daily life.  He has no desire to have children either. I always thought I would be a grandma :/
 I'm going to see if we can buy a small house in town once he gets a better paying job. In a couple of years he can move into it and we'll put his monthly payments into it.  Something like that, LOL...I'm still trying to figure it out.

Quoting Sassy762:

Take the money and put it into an account for him. He doesn't have to know what you did with the money.

I did the same for my son when he moved back home a few years ago. I charged him 100.00 a week rent, because he had  his bedroom, the summer kitchen and full bathroom plus the basement family room almost for his exclusive use. Where we were living a one-bedroom apartment would cost at least 1200 a month rent and that didn't include any utilities. He would have had to pay the rent, electricty, gas, cable and his food. Plus he would have to pay for transportation to and from work and use a laundromat.

Here at my house he lived very well for 400.00 a month. Food, electricity, gas, cable, heat/ac, water, cable (all channels), internet & phone was included PLUS I did his laundry for him, I would wash, dry fold and iron and hang up his clothes for him, lol I cooked all of his meals.

When he moved into his own apartment I gave him all the money I had saved from him paying rent.....he was shocked. BUT He now knows how hard it is to work and have to pay your own bills. 

 


singlemom1208
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 8:17 AM
I've always worked. In HS I didn't have a car payment. Saved and bought a car. Insurance was only $50 a month. I didn't go to college right after HS. I got a job making decent money as an assistant manager at QuikTrip. Once I realized I didn't want to work at a gas station forever I went to mortuary school. Worked pt at the gas station and funeral home. The school was an hour away so my mom helped with gas. I never had very good grades though.

Quoting taKENheart:

 :) he's still so young and a cutie I must add!
How were you able to do that?  I just think it must be so hard for young adults these days.  Working hard and going to school...struggling.  I didn't want them to struggle but he's thinking that he doesn't want to go to college so I feel like I have to teach him how hard it will be...at least until he lands a better job.
Ugh, this is so hard.


Quoting singlemom1208:

Well, Sylas doesn't have to pay rent yet. Lol. I've paid my own insurance and car payments since I got my first car at 17. I started paying rent when I graduated from college. But I still had to pay my gas, insurance, car payment, phone bill, ect while in school

 

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jamielynnef2
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 1:19 PM
It's hard on us as parents sometimes....deciding what lessons to teach and whether to do tough love or what our hearts want to do....you're a great mom and you will do what's best for him :-) ...tough love is just hard sometimes bc we love them so much...but we also want to prepare them for the real world out there without mommy and daddy always taking care of everything....who knows, maybe he doesn't want college right now...maybe he is still figuring out what he wants to do...a few other jobs could help him learn what he does and doesn't want....and he may end up going to college a little later on....he will be ok...he's got you guys for parents :-)


Quoting taKENheart:

 Jamie, oh Jamie you really do know me so well :)
I appreciate you telling me how you have handled being mom to your brothers.  I admire you so much for what you have been able to do for them.
You are right! I am not comfortable taking his money at all. He earns very little but he was irresponsible this last half year with his behavior so I do feel like I need to teach him a lesson.  I don't think he wants to attend college again so he needs to see how hard it is so I hope dh will agree with me that we should save his money or at least half of it.  If anyone told me that it would be even more difficult to be a mom I wouldn't have believed them. I thought I knew how I would handle this situation but I was wrong. I laugh at my young self now.


Quoting jamielynnef2:

Well, mike and Scott aren't mine per say....but we have raised them like our own for the last 10yrs....

I felt the same way about mike.....I didn't want to take his money when he first started.....I let him have his tiny little pay checks to spend how he saw fit...then once hr proved that he couldn't handle that....I started taking his money.....only, I didn't....I'm still taking his money...but not ....lol....I'm making him pay me with every check....when he needs sometging he doesn't have enough money for, I give it to him and then make him pay me back...HOWEVER......all the money he "pays" me I put into a savings account that I have JUST for him....yet I'm still making him save to buy a car...he doesn't know that I have all that money put aside untouched for him, and he won't until he either moves out when IIIIII know urs ready not him OR he goes off to college....then I will use that money to help him pay for bills he cant afford so he only has to work part time while attending college ....

Now that I wrote you a novel...lol....I think if you aren't truly comfortable with taking his money,yet feel he needs to know how hard it is out there and why you think college is important for him (Idk that college is for everyone, but that's for your family to.decide :-) ) then take his money but put is aside for him for later :-) ....I'm sure there are more experienced moms who can help you better though lol....

 


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