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Have You Always Wanted to Be a Mom?

Posted by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 12:25 PM
  • 10 Replies

Mother of Two Who Admits Children Are Her Biggest Regret Is Still a Good Mom

by Kiri Blakeley

A mother of two is causing quite a stir for admitting the unadmittable -- that she wishes she'd never had her two children and believes that her life would have been much better without them. Woah, lady, this is not something you admit in print -- and use your real name and face -- unless you want to get stoned to death, hopefully just figuratively. But 57-year-old Isabella Dutton is ready to take on her haters. I'm not sure there's any reason to confess in a hugely public forum that you never wanted your two now-grown children, and in fact, still feel that way. But she's also pretty brave, because she's just voicing what lots of other mothers feel.

Isabella says she was never the maternal type, however, she met the love of her life, got married very young, and he wanted four kids. Despite the fact she never wanted even one, she decided to give it a try.

But after first son Stuart was born, she realized her mistake. She says:

I felt no bond. No warm rush of maternal affection. I felt completely detached from this alien being who had encroached upon my settled married life and changed it, irrevocably, for the worse.

She doesn't blame post-partum for these feelings. She says she never wanted kids, and that feeling continued throughout her life. However, she went ahead and had a second child anyway, this time a girl, Jo.

Despite not wanting her kids, she says she grew to love them, and she was always a responsible and involved mother. Well, there was that one time she forgot baby Stuart and the family dog at the store. She only realized they were missing once she got home and looked around for the DOG. She writes: "I believe I was a good mum, but never a doting one." (She got the kid and dog back.)

About now, sanctimommies might be gearing up to inflict all manner of torture on Isabella, but look at what she does rather than what she says. Isabella is such a good mother that her adult daughter, who has multiple sclerosis, lives with her full time and always will.

If you set aside your judgments, you can see that Isabella's essay makes a great point: A good mother doesn't necessarily have to be one who wanted kids with every fiber of her being. In fact, there are plenty of mothers who had intense baby fever but who make lousy mothers. Just because you want something really, really badly doesn't make you good at it. (If only I had a dime for all of the people who told me they really, really wanted to be a writer but who never write anything other than their grocery list -- and even manage to misspell that.)

Says Isabella:

I am a conscientious and caring parent -- yet perhaps I would have resented my children less had I not been.

If you talk to women, really talk to them, you hear a lot of what Isabella is saying. Ask any woman, in private, if she is glad she had kids, and there's often a long hesitation, a disclaimer ("I love them, of course") and out comes and the wishy-washy answer: Life would have been easier ... Sometimes I wish I hadn't ... Well, there's nothing I can do about it now ... I wonder about that all the time ... etc. (I'm always surprised at the amount of women -- and even men -- who complain incessantly about parenthood but then choose to have another baby.)

So Isabella isn't saying anything new. Not every woman has baby fever in her bones. But for eons those women have had kids anyway. And most still manage to do a good job of it. In fact, maybe not being obsessed with her children made Isabella a better mother. She let them be their own individuals instead of trying to make them extensions of herself. She didn't helicopter over them and insist on fighting all their battles. And she and her children are still incredibly close today.

Now if only she'd stop telling them how much she regrets having them. Nothing she can do about it now!

Have you always wanted to have children?

by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 12:25 PM
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Replies (1-10):
meam4444
by Representative on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:48 PM

 I think for the most part, yes.  I always wanted to have child or two..or now, soon to be five.  Now with that said, I wasn't exactly planning on having them as early as I did.  I was expecting to be in a career for quite a few years prior to settling down, but my second to last year in college, I met my husband.  After much thought, we decided to start a family sooner than later.

Ferrari
by Felicia on Apr. 6, 2013 at 11:36 AM

Yes and no. lol When I was little, I had pretend kids. Due to somethings that happened (too long to get into) I got a taste of parenting by taking care of my sisters when I was about 16. It gave me a perspective I never imagined I had and thought that I never wanted kids. Not that I didn't love kids, I just got a picture of what the commitment took. It wasn't something I took lightly. But, in all honesty, I was just kidding myself. Deep down, I knew that one day I wanted to be a mother. I felt as though I was made for it. 

king04
by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 1:52 PM

Yes I did just not as soon as I did. I wanted to get done with school first but ended up pregnant with them while on the depo shot

Melissa_anne
by Representative on Apr. 6, 2013 at 5:12 PM

yep, I always wanted 3.  But after having my DD i was diagnosed with PCOS and my dr told me that my chances of having another child were slim to none.  I had already had 2 miscarriages and didn't want to go through that pain any more so we just have DD and my SS.  My oldest niece was born when I was 10 so i was exposed to kids at a young age

meam4444
by Representative on Apr. 7, 2013 at 12:23 PM

I am so sorry for your losses.

You have a very beautiful family.  <3

Quoting Melissa_anne:

yep, I always wanted 3.  But after having my DD i was diagnosed with PCOS and my dr told me that my chances of having another child were slim to none.  I had already had 2 miscarriages and didn't want to go through that pain any more so we just have DD and my SS.  My oldest niece was born when I was 10 so i was exposed to kids at a young age


Melissa_anne
by Representative on Apr. 7, 2013 at 11:41 PM

 thank you!  the first one i didn't even know i was pregnant til the miscarriage, the second was harder because we really wanted it.  I honestly am really happy with Devon and Tristan.  I don't really want any more, even though Devon begs me to adopt a baby lol


Quoting meam4444:

I am so sorry for your losses.

You have a very beautiful family.  <3

Quoting Melissa_anne:

yep, I always wanted 3.  But after having my DD i was diagnosed with PCOS and my dr told me that my chances of having another child were slim to none.  I had already had 2 miscarriages and didn't want to go through that pain any more so we just have DD and my SS.  My oldest niece was born when I was 10 so i was exposed to kids at a young age



 

celestegood
by Representative on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:06 AM
I have a very good friend that never wanted kids. She won't date a man that has kids, and won't date a man that wants kids. She just doesn't want any.
And that's ok. It's not something that you have to do. Let's face it-humans are not on the brink of extinction.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
emilyelephant
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 9:42 AM

My mom had another baby when I was 13, and he was horrible. He was colicky and an absolute terror, always throwing a fit over something. I didn't want a baby when I was younger, but somewhere along the line something changed and it was one of the ONLY things I was passionate about. Of course, being a young mom, I have wondered what my life would be like if I hadn't gotten pregnant. I can't imagine it though, I look at my daughter and definitely feel that bond.
Maybe I'll feel differently when she's 14 and hates me, though. lol

krn210
by Kristin on Apr. 8, 2013 at 11:00 AM

This is/was me. I met my husband and was 5 months pregnant with our daughter when I graduated from college. I am glad that it turned out the way it did. :-) 

Quoting meam4444:

 I think for the most part, yes.  I always wanted to have child or two..or now, soon to be five.  Now with that said, I wasn't exactly planning on having them as early as I did.  I was expecting to be in a career for quite a few years prior to settling down, but my second to last year in college, I met my husband.  After much thought, we decided to start a family sooner than later.


Roo1234
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 11:52 AM

No.  Never consciously planned to and was still completely shocked when I discovered I was pregnant.  I adapted.  I committed to, and fell in love with each of our children and have no regrets. 

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