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Should I be worried? What can I do?

Posted by on May. 29, 2013 at 3:05 PM
  • 12 Replies
I have a DSD who will be 8 in a month. I been trying on and off for nearly 2 years teaching her how to tie her shoes. She still can't. I tried using diff methods and DH showed her. But she still isn't getting it. Her bio mom only sees her 9 hours a week on average and could care less about teaching her. Keeps sending her when she does have her home to us in Velcro shoes which makes me mad. All my friends kids and her classmates and a lot who are way younger than her have already mastered this skill. We are on the 2nd to last day of 2nd grade and her daddy puts her socks on her feet every morning. I think an near 8 year old child is way capable of doing that herself. She also needs help from daddy buttoning her blouse every morning. He also runs her bath water for her every night. Every time I tell him she needs to start doing for herself, he gets mad and it starts a fight. He does everything for her and when they are out in public, he is so overprotective that he is clinging to her hand for dear life. She isn't allowed to go anywhere unless me or DH stays the whole time which means no sleepovers. It doesn't matter how well we know the parents. I took the training wheels off her bike last fall yet she still can't ride it or balance herself at all. She has been in swimming lessons for the last 2 straight years with this summer making the 3rd plus we been working with her in our own backyard pool, yet she still can't swim barely a stroke. Been having her in gymnastics since age 5, she still can't do a handstand or basic cartwheel yet all the other girls can even those who been in it for way less time. She still colors and draws on a preschool level. She doesn't seem to have any friends at school. Every time I go to her school, all the other girls are playing together and seem to all have best friends. And they all ignore her, she is very tiny for her age as well. Always the smallest kid in her grade at only 45 pounds and 46 and a half inches tall. She acts way younger than what I see the other kids her age act. She is an only child, we been ttc for 20 months to conceive a sibling for her but no luck. What can I do? Concerned stepmom
by on May. 29, 2013 at 3:05 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Bmat
by Bronze Member on May. 29, 2013 at 4:22 PM

Get her shoes that don't need to be tied. At this age, as long as she doesn't have developmental problems, she should be able to pick up shoe tie-ing if she wants to. Maybe she likes the attention.

cajungal76
by on May. 29, 2013 at 4:40 PM
I feel as I keep getting her slip on shoes, she will never ever learn. The ones she wears for school tie. I just don't understand why it takes so long for her to pick up on skills that most kids her age know how to do. Sometimes I think she is just being lazy. And I get so mad at DH because he keeps doing everything for her. And that is why she refuses to learn. She is actually quite bright. She has always been a straight A student. If my friend's DD who just turned 4 can do it, there is no reason she can't at almost 8
jbjb1024
by Gold Member on May. 29, 2013 at 7:43 PM
Wow, this sounds like my in laws. Their daughter will be 15 in July, she has been able to go stay at friends house just recently, like in the past 3 years maybe. My mil still runs her bath water and makes sure her hair is clean and soap/conditioner is out of her before getting out of the shower. She talks like a baby and sometimes I can't even understand her because she is so quiet. It drives us crazy!!!
SarahSuzyQ
by Silver Member on May. 29, 2013 at 8:17 PM

It sounds like she may have some issues with motor skills, but it's hard to tell if that's due to overprotective daddy or an actual developmental delay. Has her teacher or gym teacher noticed anything related to motor skills? This is something you can get tested, and if she is in fact behind, she could qualify for OT... But it's not going to help unless EVERYONE follows through at home with making her work on her own buttons, etc.

It's tricky because she is your SD. I think you need to express your concerns to DH in a clear and unemotional manner. It's obvious that you love her and want what's best for her, as does he, but it would be great to get on the same page about what that looks like... And FWIW, I don't think having someone run her bath, tie her shoes, and button her shirt at age 8 is what's actually best for her. You're on the right track, momma.

cajungal76
by on May. 29, 2013 at 8:40 PM
The only thing her teacher said was that her handwriting was very bad. But she has been improving in that area. I know for a fact she is ADHD. I have it and I know she can't sit still. Rocking back and forth in her chair, can't sit still not even for 5 sec. And she is up at 6 a.m. No matter what time you put her to bed even in summer and non school days. She is still on the emotional level of a 4 year old. When I mention trying to get her help DH gets mad and refuses to admit there is a problem. She got evaluated when he was going to send her to private school at the end of her kindergarten year. They told him that she would need to repeat kindergarten if she went to that school. DH blew up and refused to put her in after that. So now he put her in a different private school and she is a straight A student. It is just her emotional maturity and motor skills are majorly delayed. But as a stepmom my hands are tied if DH won't do anything. Her bio mom only sees her 9 hours a week. Her choice, always dumping her on DH even when it is her custody time. She was late walking, late talking. Was in speech therapy and is doing much better even though her voice is still babyish. And she talks like a much younger child. And cries over everything. They didnt even get her out of diapers or off the bottle til she was nearly 4. Just constant babying and I am the only real mother figure in her life in the last 3 years.
arwalters
by Member on May. 30, 2013 at 8:15 AM
It's terrible her father is taking it so personally he won't get her the help she needs. It's obvious there's some developmental delays, motor skills like you said. Would it be possible for you to take her in to see her pediatrician perhaps for a different reason (for dh sake) and mention it while there or would he insist on going to the apt?
brownhoney21
by Bronze Member on May. 30, 2013 at 8:35 AM

 Keep at it .She needs to do more for her self.

cajungal76
by on May. 30, 2013 at 11:22 AM
All DH seems concerned about is grades. She is a straight A student. Reading since age 4 and very bright. I just think she is lazy and puts no effort into things. They really need to quit the babying. I am the only one that encourages her to do things herself.
Momofmenagerie
by Bronze Member on May. 30, 2013 at 11:45 AM
Not true. My son was in velcros until fifth grade when they stop making " cool" ones in his size. Suddenly BAM! He was doing it!
Granted, he " practiced" by helping smaller children b/c he's a helper by nature . It is also a totally different perspective tieing a shoe from the front than it is from it facing outward like you'd wear it.

I actually learned because I had an outfit with a tie belt. One day ( at eight .... I just did it. I literally just " got it"

My son didn't learn to ride a bike w/o training wheels until he wore them out and we refused to get another set. By golly two days later, we found him riding it in circles, no training wheels!
( again like ten)

If it worries you so much show her the sketchers that have bling and tell her when she ties a now around her waist then she can pick a pair out.... ( yeah I know they are insanely expensive, but I bet she'll get it!)

As far as the pool... So? If she can swim, there is no requirement for tricks. She needs to be able to get to the sides and do a dead man's float. That's all that's required for safety .... Handstands and what not isn't even required for a swim team.

I think if her gross and fine motor skills are a
up to par in school, grades are decent... Life will move just smoothly for her. It will be okay, as long as I haven't missed something in the comments.


Quoting cajungal76:

I feel as I keep getting her slip on shoes, she will never ever learn. The ones she wears for school tie. I just don't understand why it takes so long for her to pick up on skills that most kids her age know how to do. Sometimes I think she is just being lazy. And I get so mad at DH because he keeps doing everything for her. And that is why she refuses to learn. She is actually quite bright. She has always been a straight A student. If my friend's DD who just turned 4 can do it, there is no reason she can't at almost 8

4kidz916
by Member on May. 30, 2013 at 3:30 PM

My youngest daughter was a little later tying her shoes as well.  Everything else developed fine and the doctor placed the blame mostly on velcro and slip shoes and the fact that she is the youngest and had three older siblings that were always there to tie for her.  Finally she picked up on how to tie them and we haven't had problems since. 

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