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Compare and Despair?

Posted by on Apr. 28, 2014 at 12:00 AM
  • 51 Replies

“Man, Miles never did that…”

I stopped myself before I finished the sentence. I was doing it again: comparing my son and daughter, something I swore I’d never do when I had kids.

Growing up as a twin, I was constantly compared to my fraternal sister. Wendy was the funny one, Laura was the smart one. Wendy was the chubby one, Laura was the skinny one. Wendy did X, Laura did Y and on and on. It did (and still does) drive me crazy to always be viewed in contrast to my sister. Even now, as I work toward finishing grad school, I still get told that my sister is smarter and we haven’t even lived in the same state in five years, let alone been in the same school! For us, this competition was pretty destructive. It always felt like someone wasn’t measuring up. It made us, I think, competitors instead of allies.

So, I’ve always promised myself that if I had kids, I’d never compare them. They’d each be special snowflakes, viewed as wholly separate from their sibling.

Ha.

Then I had my daughter and I realized how hard it is NOT to compare your kids. I don’t mean to do it in a way that assigns value or implies that one kid is better than the other, but it is just so hard not to notice that Kid #1 walked six months later than Kid #2 or that one seems indestructible when the other cries over every tiny sliver.

I think when you have your first child, they are the template for what is your normal for how kids act and then you have a second child and they don’t follow that template (in ways that are both great and perplexing) and you can’t help but compare to try to make sense of having such different kids.

I am trying to be more mindful of it though and am very careful not to compare them in front of each other, but I wonder if I am alone in worrying about the danger of comparison parenting.

Do you find yourself comparing your children to each other? Do you think that is something to worry about?

by on Apr. 28, 2014 at 12:00 AM
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Replies (1-10):
kellynh
by Bronze Member on Apr. 28, 2014 at 12:03 AM
On occasion...lol.i thin most moms do and then we check ourselves
.Angelica.
by Silver Member on Apr. 28, 2014 at 1:11 AM
1 mom liked this

I do compare, but not really in a bad way. I know all kids learn at different rates.

earthangel1967
by on Apr. 28, 2014 at 2:51 AM

I couldn't help but notice all 5 of their similarities and all 5 of their unique differences, not in a comparison kind of way but kind of an amazing awe kind of way.  We have always been huge on encouraging individuality and self expression and all of that.  And even things like grades, all the kids are super smart but some are hands on learners and some are not and some got All  A's in school easily and the  more hands on ones might have to work 5 x's as hard to get a c or b but as long as we knew they did their best we were just as proud of all of them for example.  

 View Full Size Image YVONNE

brittany208
by Platinum Member on Apr. 28, 2014 at 9:13 AM

sometimes, but not in a negative way.

Wish2Be
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A mommy to the best little boy in the world !
14 minutes ago
by Silver Member on Apr. 28, 2014 at 9:27 AM

I only have one child, but had I not compared my son to his peers....I wouldnt have realized quick enough that he needed help with speech ! I got him the help he needs and he is now on target for school  this August, so I have a hard time saying not to compare ! :)

Wish2Be
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A mommy to the best little boy in the world !
14 minutes ago
by Silver Member on Apr. 28, 2014 at 9:28 AM

I honestly dont think its a bad thing to compare and I think all parents do it naturally :)

Quoting .Angelica.:

I do compare, but not really in a bad way. I know all kids learn at different rates.


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Saucy1
by Kristina on Apr. 28, 2014 at 9:30 AM
Yes, but not in a bad way.
la1118
by Laura on Apr. 28, 2014 at 9:37 AM
I do compare them, that's natural. I do refrain from saying things like, "Why can't you be more like your brother?"
.Angelica.
by Silver Member on Apr. 28, 2014 at 9:37 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree. it's kind of hard not to.

Quoting Wish2Be:

I honestly dont think its a bad thing to compare and I think all parents do it naturally :)

Quoting .Angelica.:

I do compare, but not really in a bad way. I know all kids learn at different rates.


mrswillie
by Silver Member on Apr. 28, 2014 at 9:40 AM
I don't. Each one is different and unique.
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