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The Venting Booth The Venting Booth

Your mom?

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
Ok so I have an issue with my mom..
My mom and I have always been best friends, like sisters and extremely close.
Over the last few years my dad has had to work overseas, around the same time he moved overseas I moved in with my now husband.
My mom now goes out a lot, teaches a gym class and works out all the time. She shows interest in my life and my sons life but not nearly as much as I thought she would. If she has something else going on she's more inclined to do that than be with her husband, me or my son(her grandson). I am sure I know why she is going through this. She was a sahm and we were her life.. Everyone left at the same time and now she is living her own life and focusing on herself.. But it's drastic. She now acts conceded and acts as if she is most important. I try to have a conversation with her and all she says is "yeahhhh" and "ooohhhhhh" nothing and quickly changes the subject to her classes, her students or her friends. I'm at the point now where I want to say something to her but don't know how. I don't know how to approach her without her getting upset and her feelings hurt. I'm heartbroken.. She's not my mom anymore.
Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 29, 2013 at 5:19 PM
Replies (11-15):
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 30, 2013 at 1:56 PM
Oh and ur crazy! Your insane comments. You're dillusional.
I go to many of her classes, even when I was 9 months pregnant.


Quoting Anonymous:

"she's not your mom anymore"  ?? Really? Why not? Because you are not front and center of her attention? Are you disowning her for not living up to what YOU think she should be doing?


Would you prefer she followed you around, baked cookies all day and wore an apron? Went to every boring school play and babysat your son constantly?


What are you trying to have a conversation with her about? Your friends, your son, your husband, your job? Has to be.


What is your response when she talks about her friends, her classes, her students? "yeahhh, oooohhhh" I bet, right? Pretended interest about people you don't know?


You make it sound like a bad thing that she has her own life now. Do you mean it that way are or you just a selfish twit?


Here's the thing. You are grown with a family of your own. If you really miss her, do something on her terms! Go to a class, go to the gym, see her at work, express interest in her new life!


After 20 years of raising kids and being a SAHM, leave the woman alone! She doesn't express the amount of interest you think she should in your new family?


So she's not meeting your expectations?


She deserves a life!


SAHM long enough to raise you, obviously. And you disown her because she isn't meeting your expectations.


Maybe your self-centered attitude is what's causing her lack of interest.


creekbank
by Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 6:02 PM

Well, So I read all these posts, and truthfully, your original post sounded really selfish and childish. I kinda agreed  with the "anonymous' grouch at first. But it's a vent spot, right? anyway, your follow up post made it more sensical, and it sounds like you have some reasons to worry, but not overly much.

Try not to worry too  much. Just be there for her, like she was (hopefully) all your life.  I am only going off of a generation of my own family, but I think that's pretty normal behavior for an empty nester...I've been wrong before, LOL! But maybe a face to face talk, somewhere private, would put your mind at ease and let her know you care. Maybe make sure to emphasize you are not asking anything of her....??

Good luck! Keep your head up!

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 30, 2013 at 7:33 PM
Thank you!
I'm in no way childish, don't need anyone to babysit me and don't need anyone to be openly available to watch my child. I get I see other grandmothers with their kids and grand kids at some functions we go to, and there's some interest but no effort on her part.
Yes, I think she's an empty nester and she's been working out and looks amazing for her age, so naturally she goes out and gets a lot of attention. Her whole demeanor has changed ya know? I totally understand where she's coming from bc I'd be the same I'm sure, to an extent.. But I wouldn't let a fitness class, friends, drinking and clubbing get in the way of my children and grandchildren. I don't want her around every single day.. Or even every other day, but it would be nice to see her want to come over rather than me asking ya know? It's a hard situation to be in.. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Obviously I don't want to tell her how I feel because I don't want her to feel as though she's doing something wrong. I posted the original post to see if others go through the same.. Not to get some advice from obviously INSANE people who are just making accusations! I appreciated your post :) among a few (maybe 1 other) responses!


Quoting creekbank:

Well, So I read all these posts, and truthfully, your original post sounded really selfish and childish. I kinda agreed  with the "anonymous' grouch at first. But it's a vent spot, right? anyway, your follow up post made it more sensical, and it sounds like you have some reasons to worry, but not overly much.


Try not to worry too  much. Just be there for her, like she was (hopefully) all your life.  I am only going off of a generation of my own family, but I think that's pretty normal behavior for an empty nester...I've been wrong before, LOL! But maybe a face to face talk, somewhere private, would put your mind at ease and let her know you care. Maybe make sure to emphasize you are not asking anything of her....??


Good luck! Keep your head up!


LadyMarissa
by Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 7:45 PM
1 mom liked this

NOT taking her side, but think about it...You weren't her daughter when you got married, had her grandson & moved out.  Her husband wasn't her husband when he went overseas & left her in an empty home to deal with it herself.  So, Mom's just doing what she feel she needs to survive.  With time, she will return to her Mom senses & you 2 will become close again!!!  In the meantime, be her GOOD friend & help her celebrate her new-found freedom!!!

creekbank
by Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 8:04 PM
1 mom liked this

I can only speak from my experience, of course. But my son is 18, and he's in Afghanistan. We were always really close.Since he's been grown and gone, about a year now, we are still close, but (even before afghan)we didn't see much of each other. You know? He has his own life and friends and goes and comes...I stay in touch with him, because my mom sucks about that kind of stuff. But if I don't call or text, I may not hear from him for a month or longer.

My mother, when we all moved out, went kinda insane. She got real skinny, wore lots of makeup, hung out in sleazy bars, etc. Nothing HEALTHY, mind you! She has no real interest in my DD or DS. The whole time he's been in Afghan she never wrote him, or sent anything, or texted or called. Hell, she hasn't sent him a birthday card since he was 7. She never even asks ME about him. Sometimes she will talk to, or about DD. Not often. Though she's long since stopped drinking and slutting around, she has church now, and that's about it. I invite her frequently to do stuff with us, but she is always "tired" or "busy" or 'napping". SIGH.

I also wonder how much of our mothers' behavior is because of the "gibson girl" syndrome. Are you familiar with that?

Basically, that generation of women were expected to get married, have babies, raise said babies and care for husbands (who made the money). They were not supposed to work, but to keep clean houses and nice appearances for themselves, etc.  Societal pressure, per se, and peer pressure, of course. Kind of like beaver cleaver family. Except you may be too young to know what a "gibson girl" was. I had to look it up, at my age! LOL!

So I wonder, if when the family is turned out, do they feel free to FINALLY live for themselves? hmmmm.....new research project for me! YAY!

No real need to fret right? She's not doing drugs, or trying to catch a social disease, or anything like that? As far as divorce stuff, well, it could be a symptom of the same thing - some freedom.

Not saying I agree with it, just a 'could be'.  When i was younger, and raising my kids, i never thought anything of it. It was never a burden, I love my kids like LIFE.

But now that they are older, and have their own lives (dd is 13 but very mature and quiet and busy. we are best friends!) and I'm divorced for the last 13 years, I can look back and realize HOW MUCH of your own time you give up for your family.

Not that any mother minds it, just that it IS. Now I am finally starting to realize what it means to be "free". It's complicated. But I believe you guys will be okay! You have a strong basis and a strong friendship, things will get lined out. Try not to worry.

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