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My birthday trashed and blown off yet again

Posted by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 12:58 PM
  • 14 Replies


I have been with my husband 23 years. He is for the most part a fantastic guy. (99% of the time he is a gem)  My friends joke there will be a long line to take my place if I would ever be so silly as to leave him.  The issue is my birthday or lack of my birthday. 

My husbands birthday is a few days before mine. My adult and teen childrens are  within days of mine. I always make sure they all have a fantastic day. They get spoiled rotten. I invite all the family over for a celebration for each one of them and they get great gifts.

When we were younger money was very tight. I always splurged on my husband birthday and made sure I was all set for the kids. There frequently was no $ left for mine. I didn't like it but I didn't complain.  We have $ for all these things at this point in life.  

I had mentioned to my husband over the weekend we had to slow down the spending a bit  AFTER all the birthdays because we had just sent his folks on an anniversary trip, and would be spending a lot on all these birthdays. I wanted to make sure we were putting away enough $ for another goal. He knows we have the $. I wouldnt care if I got a $10 gift as long as it was personal.

So here comes my birthday. My teenager has the flu ( poor kid). My adult son called and said happy birthday.  I know dh has made no plans to take me out because he hasn't mentioned it. He comes home and hands me a card and a can of  Walgreens brand almonds! Serioulsy???????  I was not happy.

I couldn't help it and got mad and started crying. He then proceeded to get mad saying I said we had to cut back on spending. I pointed out that conversation has not stopped him from spending $100 on himself on Saturday. Plain and simple he was tired and lazy after work and stopped at the darn drug store and grabbed almonds and a card. It turned into a big arguement.  When I mentioned that the least he could have done was take me to dinner he said it wouldn't have mattered because our son had the flu. Still he could have planned something even if we had to cancel. Plain and simple again he doesn't like doing anything after work but chill.

He then blamed it on the fact we had a family emergency the day before when he had planned to do his shopping. Ummm you could still do it after work the day of my birthday or do things further in advance like I do.  He absolutely can not see why this upsets me so much. Like he said it is a birthday Not the second coming of Christ.

Two days later I am still angry and hurt. Just once I would like to have a nice birthday. Mine was lost when I married a man and has children who all have birthdays within a few days of mine.  I am hurt and angry that my birthday is not special. I have been over this the last couple years with my husband. How can a man that is usually so considerate be such a jerk  and not get this when I have made it clear as day for several years I want a birthday!!!  

I am not one to hold grudges. I usually and forgiving and forgetting 10 minutes later and happy as a clam again. I just can't seem to shake hurt for some reason. I rarely cry and my eyes still look horrible from crying over this. I feel irrational because the man is good to me 99% of the time but always messes up my flunks out on my birthday. I should be looking at the other 99% of the time. He said fine next year don't do anything for my birthday and I won't care. i told him it wasn't about him and I do care. I have pointed this out multiple times. Seriously pick up a cake and a decent present!!!!!! Seriously he is great at Christmas so I know he can do it. He doesn't have to do anniversarys because we don't do gifts. We always take a weekend away. 

I decided next year on my birthday I will be leaving town for the day and going to a spa or something.  I will be doing something just for me. Also since my husband doesn't believe birthdays are important for the 1st time in 23 years I will be skipping his next year. Well I am going to try to make myself be that mean. Had my son not been sick i would have left for the night. I was that mad. I have never done that before.

Any advice? I have never actually felt hurt or angry at my husband for a few days ike this before. 








by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 12:58 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mystery123
by New Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 1:20 PM

Blah i started bawling just typing this. 

PhoenixV
by Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 1:34 PM

That sucks. I never look forward to my birthdays, but it would be nice if I did have a good one one day...

CotterpinDoozer
by Bronze Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 1:43 PM

Now, normally I think adults getting worked up over their birthdays is silly, but this isn't about you not getting your way or having to "share" your day. This is about your husband not evening giving one iota of effort to you, when you gave him so much. I'm sorry, the fact that he got mad that you got upset because he got you a card and a can of nuts from Walgreens to me makes it sound like he knew he was being lazy and he just got upset because you called him out on it. Even if you couldn't go out to dinner, he could have brought something home for you or even offered to cook! If he just spent 100 dollars on himself a few days before and then said the whole "We need to cut back" I'd be even more upset. To me, it seems less about your actual birthday and more that he's been disregarding your feelings about it for years. Honestly if I were you, I probably wouldn't make a big deal out of his birthday anymore.

AV made by NiamhWitch

mystery123
by New Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 1:58 PM



Quoting CotterpinDoozer:

Now, normally I think adults getting worked up over their birthdays is silly, but this isn't about you not getting your way or having to "share" your day. This is about your husband not evening giving one iota of effort to you, when you gave him so much. I'm sorry, the fact that he got mad that you got upset because he got you a card and a can of nuts from Walgreens to me makes it sound like he knew he was being lazy and he just got upset because you called him out on it. Even if you couldn't go out to dinner, he could have brought something home for you or even offered to cook! If he just spent 100 dollars on himself a few days before and then said the whole "We need to cut back" I'd be even more upset. To me, it seems less about your actual birthday and more that he's been disregarding your feelings about it for years. Honestly if I were you, I probably wouldn't make a big deal out of his birthday anymore.

I am going to try my darndest to skip his birthday next year. I don't know if I really have it in me to do it.  I KNOW  he was being lazy also. He said I am giving his conflicting messages and he thought he was doing the right thing. I call BS. Then he decided it would be a good idea to throw the card and almonds away since I didn't like it. Whatever! 

I am baffled. About other parts of our life he is beyond considerate and kind! I have a usually considerate husband.  I just can't get how he doesn't graps this one. I told him flat out there are no mixed messages I want exactly the consideration and care I give to him and the kids birthdays shown on mine.  GRRRRR!!!! 


It is good to vent. I have made it a habit all my marriage to never say a bad word to my friends or family about dh. EVER. So this is something I really needed to get out.

mystery123
by New Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 2:01 PM
1 mom liked this



Quoting PhoenixV:

That sucks. I never look forward to my birthdays, but it would be nice if I did have a good one one day...


Hope you get a great one! 

creekbank
by Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 2:03 PM
1 mom liked this

My personal opinion is all I can offer, is that okay?

After 23 years of being with the same man, gem or not, you would think he would plan in advance and take care of YOU! After all, it's not as if it's a surprise, it comes on the same day every year, right?!

I'm sorry this happened to you. Perhaps after you both calm down, you could try talking it over again? Somehow, you don't sound like the kind of person who can follow thru with the "i'm not getting him anything next year..." After 23 years of giving uncomplainingly and planning ahead with obvious anticipation,  you are probably WAY too nice for that. BUT the "treat yourself to a day at the spa alone" is a great idea! YOU SHOULD DO THAT NOW! Why wait til next year?

I can understand your anger and hurt. It would make most people furious, I believe!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! May you have many more!

BeKind2All
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 2:11 PM
1 mom liked this

We can't help what hurts our hearts and our feelings. I feel very sad for you as I felt sad one year when my daughter didn't really do mother's day like I had hoped. It didn't mean she didn't love me, though. Maybe your family doesn't realize how much it means to you to be acknowledged on your day. And of course he would be defensive, as he was embarressed at his thoughtlessness.  I hope he will ON HIS OWN try to make it up to you, but don't count on it. Men just usually suck at that sort of thing.

I bet you don't skip his birthday next year, though. You aren't that kind of person. And I hope you get the celebration you deserve. :)

MissTacoBell
by Taco Bell Princess on Apr. 2, 2013 at 7:11 PM
I don't have much advice...I hate my bday and am pleased as pie when it passes uneventfully.
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littlesippycup
by iloveanons on Apr. 2, 2013 at 7:15 PM

=(

catrig
by Silver Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 7:15 PM

sorry :(

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