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My husband thinks I need to be "tougher" on my son

Posted by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:37 AM
  • 10 Replies

My husband is always confronting me about my parenting with my oldest boy who will be nine in two weeks. I think we have two different parenting styles.  He is definatley more agressive than I am in the punishment department. My son has always been a very emotional child and yelling and grounding just doesn't seem to work for him.  I have found that if I am patient and give him time to work through his issues, that he responds better than grounding him from his video games which just upsets him.  But husband does not have the patience to address it in this way.  It makes me feel bad and guilty like im not doing a good job raising our kids.  My oldest comes from a prevoius marriage and we now have a two year old together.  Husband told me that he will stepout the picture completely when it comes to addressing my oldest, but he would never let that fly with his own, and that bothers me too. We are all part of the same family right?

by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:37 AM
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Replies (1-10):
anotherhalf
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:39 AM
Can you give an example of you letting him work through an issue where your dh thinks you should gave done it differently?
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mammajae
by Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:52 AM

well for starters, my son is being treated for ADHD.  So when I have to ask him 3 or 4 times to do something, I practice my patience and keep calm. Husband thinks that once should be enough or else the hollering begins.  If my boy gets upset or frustrated with whatever the task at hand is ( i.e. homework, picking up, dishes, ect ) then we are all in the trenches and upset.  It just seems easier to me to accept that he has difficulty concentrating on things and being patient than going to the next extreme. I feel like he is always getting yelled at or grounded and I am always being chastized for not doing a good enough job.

psych_mom
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:59 AM

Have you thought about therapy for your family? I think it would help your husband be able to work better with your son and it may even give your son some great coping skills. I know everyone thinks I only advocate therapy because I am in the field, but honestly, there are some great therapy methods out there for things like this. They can truly help family members of a child that have a "behavioral" disorder.

mammajae
by Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 11:05 AM

Im already in therapy with my husband, but we dont focus on our family issues just our marital issues.

PhoenixV
by Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 11:08 AM
1 mom liked this

It sounds like your husband doesn't understand the issues and doesn't want to. I understand how frustrating it can be when you have to say something repeatedly, but that does not mean that your son is doing it on purpose. Your husband chose to marry you and have you & your son be a part of his life, so he should be willing to try to understand the problems your son is having. You should seriously have a talk with him about it, especially since he does not seem to respect your parenting at all and believes that his way is the correct way. Your youngest may have similar issues when they are older, and he should try to understand his children's issues, rather than just attributing them to misbehaviour.

anotherhalf
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 11:20 AM
Are parenting classes offered that focus on ADHD? If so, perhaps you can both go so that he hears how a professional recommends dealing with the behaviors.
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catrig
by Silver Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 12:50 PM

It might help to address this with a therapist.

mysticalmalissa
by Silver Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 1:44 PM

I agree.

Quoting catrig:

It might help to address this with a therapist.


Moxiesbuddy
by Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 6:27 PM

Moms and Dads definitely have different approaches to discipline in any family, and most kids can benefit from both styles...as long as they're not contradictory. I didn't catch how old your son was when you married, or whether his bio dad is still involved, but you sound pretty in tune to his personality. It's not unusual for kids to struggle for years after their parents' divorce, even if their world is pretty stable now, so don't be too hard on yourself. I've read that it's best if  the biological parent is the primary one to do the disciplining when there's a blended family, so your husband might be still building his relationship there and not wanting to cause conflict by being too harsh. I agree with others that a good family counselor can help sort out your roles so you can support one another and be on the same page with your kids. There's also a lot of good stepfamily books out there if you haven't already picked some up. I hope things calm down a bit and that you all find positive things to share about one another.

liliem
by Member on Apr. 4, 2013 at 9:49 AM

I went through and still go through this too. Mine is 12 now. He was 9 when I met my husband and moved in with him. I tell my husband "I got it!" When he tries to interfere. Mostly because he doesn't help me with the kids because he's so busy with work right now, so if I need help I want to tell him what to help me with instead of hi butting in when I don't need his help. My son is sensitive too, maybe the Pisces in him. Also, he forgets he's a kid and tries to treat him like an adult. We had so many huge arguments and fights over this but it's gotten a lot better. I do take things away though, and we give him chores and I'm on top of him. I kept telling him if he wants his computer back he can make a deal with me if he wants but he has to initiate it. He finally did this past weekend and cleaned both bathrooms, vacuumed the whole house and mopped. I was so proud! I still am having problems with him and getting his hw done though.

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