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Should she have let us know before the baby shower or was it a secret?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 18 Replies

My friend and co-worker announced that she was 5 months pregnant-she said that she waited so long because she didn't know until that time. As her pregnancy went on, I could tell that she was not very excited. She is in her early 40's and all her children are older. She even has a few grandchildren. At work, we would try to make her feel good, but I could tell that she was not all that happy. People at my job like to gossip and criticize, but I felt that it wasn't my place to judge her. I just let her know that I would help her any way that I could (I love babies). I work very close with this lady in my department and I really am the closest one to her because we carpool back and forth to work together. As the pregnancy went on, she continued to act the same-not really sad, but not happy. When it got close to the due date, one of our co-workers threw her a "nice" baby shower and she got alot of nice things. The one throwing the shower spent alot of money-she got all the invitations, the decorations, the cake (it costed $100) and even purchased the baby stroller/car seat combination. The rest of us bought the coordinating things, the swing, playpen, etc... My friend went into the hospital to have the baby and when the baby was born she announced that the baby weighed 7 lbs. When my co-worker and I went to the hospital to see her and the baby, we saw that the baby weighed only 3 lbs-the card with the weight was in the baby incubator crib. At the hospital, her husband announced that the baby had alot of complications and was basically going home to "die" . The baby was born with Trisomy 18 and had alot of birth defects-I have done some research on the internet about this syndrome and I am not sure whether or she knew this was going to happen or not. She did have the amniocentesis but she never said a word about any complications.This is a very sad situation and I am not judging her in any type of way and I could care less about the money I spent on the gifts but alot of people are asking me if she knew about this before and should she have revealed it before everyone spent alot of money. I just tell them that I don't know because I don't know what to think. The baby passed away 6 days later which I am sure is a very difficult thing to go through. All of her co-workers have been very supportive to her and her family through this situation but at the same time wondering why she never mentioned anything before.

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 11, 2013 at 10:02 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MommyJenn11825
by Member on Apr. 11, 2013 at 10:36 PM
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Maybe she wasn't excited about the pregnancy to begin with and then learned of what was going on and didn't know how to feel. She didn't force anyone to throw her a shower or twist their arms to buy her things. Thats a very personal thing to go threw and she probably didn't want everyones opinions. When I was pregnant with my son they told me he'd be so severely down syndrome that I should abort.... um didn't and he's not even downs so there could be all sorts of reasons and anyone "mad" at her for not telling is completely insensitive. Poor woman has to deal with the death of her child and a bunch of coworkers judging her smh my thoughts n prayers go out to her and shame on the ones judging her (not at all saying you, it just seems very unfair to this woman)
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sourpatchmom098
by Member on Apr. 12, 2013 at 7:47 AM

 

I agree. Or perhaps she did know and that was part of the reason she wasn't overly happy about it, but still had a small hope that the baby would be okay. I know how much having a misscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy (which almost killed me in the proccess) hurt finding out you pregnant and losing the baby is hard that way, i could imagine going throuh what she did :(

Quoting MommyJenn11825:

Maybe she wasn't excited about the pregnancy to begin with and then learned of what was going on and didn't know how to feel. She didn't force anyone to throw her a shower or twist their arms to buy her things. Thats a very personal thing to go threw and she probably didn't want everyones opinions. When I was pregnant with my son they told me he'd be so severely down syndrome that I should abort.... um didn't and he's not even downs so there could be all sorts of reasons and anyone "mad" at her for not telling is completely insensitive. Poor woman has to deal with the death of her child and a bunch of coworkers judging her smh my thoughts n prayers go out to her and shame on the ones judging her (not at all saying you, it just seems very unfair to this woman)


 

psych_mom
by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 8:13 AM

I agree with the previous posters.

kerryket
by Gold Member on Apr. 12, 2013 at 8:26 AM
Gossip and criticism, that says a lot, I would not share a thing in that kind of environment. As the other poster said, no one made them throw a shower, what was she supposed to say, my baby is not likely to survive or may have special needs? Maybe there was hope, maybe she was not ready to be surrounded by people giving fake condolences and talking behind her back.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 12, 2013 at 10:33 AM

The busybodies at work need to mind their own business.  Maybe she didn't know.  Maybe she was kinda sad because she wasn't planning on being pregnant at 40 and had grandchildren older than her unborn child.  My Mom's bff got pregnant at 52 and she was really sad because of her age.  Now she will tell you that her last baby was a blessing.  Now, in your coworker's case, it turned into a devastating event.  Most women now days faced with carrying a child with no chance of survival would have terminated their pregnancy. Assuming she knew (which no one knows for sure), I can't imagine how hard it would have been on her having everyone so happy for her and her emotionally unable to talk about what she was facing.  Fast forward.  Assuming she didn't know, I can't imagine how hard it would be to lose that child and have to deal with the people in the office talking behind her back.  This woman's emotional state is way more important than the money each of you spent.  Each of you would have wasted that money on something frivilous anyway.  So, I think the office should just assume she didn't know and give her a break and give her the support she most definitely needs right now.  Money is the root of all evil!

CatFishMom
by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 10:39 AM

She might just not have wanted to share such hard news with people. I dont know if I would have or not...if the shower was a surprise, then if she was going with not sharing, she didnt know she had a reason to NEED to tell people. Thats so sad for her...

chicalinda23m
by New Member on Apr. 12, 2013 at 11:24 AM

If she knew, it doesn't matter, that is not anyone's business. You mentioned she never showed much signs of happyness, so if people had paid attention, they may have seen that a babyshower was not a good idea. Ultimately, when babyshowers are done at work, usually it's people who want to give someone a gift without  getting anything in return. If it bothered them so much, they shouldn't have bought anything to begin with. It's like buying a gift for someone and demanding to see them enjoy it.

AnnieMcD
by Bronze Member on Apr. 12, 2013 at 11:30 AM
That poor woman. I can only hope that nobody's so insensitive as to go up to her and say anything about the baby shower or how much it cost any of them. As it is she's probably aware of the gossip around the office. What a sad situation.
She was under no obligation to inform anyone of any possible complications with her pregnancy, and it's upsetting that people are acting like she was. If I were you the next time that someone even considered bringing the subject up to me, I would tell them exactly what I thought of them.
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Christy1919
by Bronze Member on Apr. 12, 2013 at 11:59 AM
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 I would tell anyone who is that concerned with the money they spent to fuck right off.  Her baby died end of story

catrig
by Silver Member on Apr. 12, 2013 at 1:19 PM

She was under no obligation to talk to anybody about it.  That's so sad.  

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