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Should she have let us know before the baby shower or was it a secret?

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

My friend and co-worker announced that she was 5 months pregnant-she said that she waited so long because she didn't know until that time. As her pregnancy went on, I could tell that she was not very excited. She is in her early 40's and all her children are older. She even has a few grandchildren. At work, we would try to make her feel good, but I could tell that she was not all that happy. People at my job like to gossip and criticize, but I felt that it wasn't my place to judge her. I just let her know that I would help her any way that I could (I love babies). I work very close with this lady in my department and I really am the closest one to her because we carpool back and forth to work together. As the pregnancy went on, she continued to act the same-not really sad, but not happy. When it got close to the due date, one of our co-workers threw her a "nice" baby shower and she got alot of nice things. The one throwing the shower spent alot of money-she got all the invitations, the decorations, the cake (it costed $100) and even purchased the baby stroller/car seat combination. The rest of us bought the coordinating things, the swing, playpen, etc... My friend went into the hospital to have the baby and when the baby was born she announced that the baby weighed 7 lbs. When my co-worker and I went to the hospital to see her and the baby, we saw that the baby weighed only 3 lbs-the card with the weight was in the baby incubator crib. At the hospital, her husband announced that the baby had alot of complications and was basically going home to "die" . The baby was born with Trisomy 18 and had alot of birth defects-I have done some research on the internet about this syndrome and I am not sure whether or she knew this was going to happen or not. She did have the amniocentesis but she never said a word about any complications.This is a very sad situation and I am not judging her in any type of way and I could care less about the money I spent on the gifts but alot of people are asking me if she knew about this before and should she have revealed it before everyone spent alot of money. I just tell them that I don't know because I don't know what to think. The baby passed away 6 days later which I am sure is a very difficult thing to go through. All of her co-workers have been very supportive to her and her family through this situation but at the same time wondering why she never mentioned anything before.

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 11, 2013 at 10:02 PM
Replies (11-18):
by Gold Member on Apr. 12, 2013 at 2:56 PM

I think she probably didn't mention it because she knew about the trisomy 18 and didn't feel like getting into it with the people from work. It is personal, and upsetting and if she knew about it, which I suspect she did, she just wanted to keep it private.  If you tell one person or even a few people in an office, everyone is going to know, and then she would have people looking at her differently or saying awkward things to her and my opinion is she probably wanted to avoid office awkwardness, especially if she was upset about the condition. I think people who spent money and are now upset are some disturbingly shallow individuals. Someone lost a child and they are worried about the money? She was under no obligation to share her baby's condition to the whole office just so people could decide whether they wanted to 'waste' money on a baby that may not live. What is wrong with people.

by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 5:44 PM

I agree with everyone else.  Maybe she was in denial, or privately grieving, or hoping, or who the hell knows.  It is such a private matter I can't believe that people are asking about it.  If you want to be a good friend, tell the people asking you these questions to mind their own damn business.

by Member on Apr. 12, 2013 at 5:59 PM

it wasn't any of their business.

by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 6:52 PM

 With the Amio it sounds like she knew and didn't want to talk about it.. cant blame her for that.. You know your child is sick and good chance it if being born still birth.. Do you really want a lot of people asking you questions, making remarks, pasting judgment on something that is this painful?? I would'nt say anything either..

by Lube Girl on Apr. 12, 2013 at 7:31 PM

That poor woman.

by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 7:37 PM
That kind of news is no one else's business. If people are as nosey and critical as you said, I don't blame her for not saying anything. It's really sad that she lost her baby and all anyone is concerned is the money they spent and why she didn't tell them her personal business. Poor lady!!
by Member on Apr. 13, 2013 at 10:19 AM

That would be very hard to talk about to close friends/family, but almost impossible at a work place. You don't really know who you work with, and she might have felt insecure about the possible judgement from co-workers. It would be nice if she eventually returned the items from the shower, but the shower itself should be viewed as a celebration of  a life.

by Bronze Member on Apr. 13, 2013 at 10:25 AM

She might have been holding out some sort of hope.  Those tests aren't always 100% accurate.  It might be possible the tests missed it, too.  It's more and more rare for them to miss those kinds of things on the tests, but it does happen.

Also, while many babies with Trisomy 18 die shortly after birth, and roughly 10% suvive to their first birthdays, some do enjoy years of life.  Current information shows some living until their twenties and thirties!

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