I'm a first time mom to a 5 month old boy. From the time he's been born I just haven't felt like myself. At first I just thought it was sleep deprivation from being the only one waking up every two hours to feed him. I was breast feeding, and waiting on insurance to take their sweet time to get me one. I had help around the house from DF at first since I couldn't really do anything. After I was released from the hospital I couldn't lift anything or do anything that involved stomach muscles really per doctors orders.
Now - I don't get too much help from DF around the house and it is an absolute mess. I'm still breast feeding, but I work over night when the baby is asleep. Then, during the day I'm pretty much awake until he gets home at 7:30. He gets mad that the apartment isn't clean. However, Eli requires quite a bit of attention since he started rolling. He rolls everywhere and I'm constantly moving things up higher. He naps for maybe 20 minutes every couple of hours and will sleep through the night for DF. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I have to leave him in his crib, shut the door, and cry in the living room for a couple minutes just to regain my sanity and try again with caring for him. (this usually happens when he gets over tired -- if he would just listen to me about the nap thing.)
I just feel so constantly overwhelmed. I don't get five minutes to myself unless I'm going to the bathroom and taking my sweet time with that. I expected that. What I didn't expect from all of this is the overhwelming feeling of helplessness, stress, guilt, and the feeling that I'm screwing everything up. There are some outside family stressers - examples: my brother is dying from cancer (No, that's not me being pessimistic... he really is.) and my sister was just readmitted into rehab for opiate addiction. Also... my mom is in remission from cancer but is enduring her ongoing battle with COPD.
I have tried talking to DF about this, but he thinks once I've talked to him it's all better, but obviously thats not the case.
I guess, I just need to know I'm not alone. And possibly that I'm not a horrible mother. I love my son so much and am constantly amazed with the new things he learns, and every little milestone (though terrifying, lol) I cheer him on.
I realize this is super long, and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this. It was cathartic just to type it.