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My son is not the f*g reincarnation of yours!

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My son is not my goddamned brother reincarnated, and Im sorry if that makes me sound like a bitch. Im SO sick of my mother trying to ram my brother's personality and interests onto my second born, trying to push my firstborn into doing all the things my brother did. Im SO sick of hearing how much my second born reminds her of my brother.
I am NOT decorating my little guy's room in f*g SURFER crap that he has NO interest in, doesnt even know what surfing IS, just because thats what my brother liked. Her: 'Why dont you make it a surfer room?!'  Me: 'Because hes not a surfer.' Long pause. 'Not YET.' Can you freaking predict the future? Do you have a crystal ball to go along with the stupid psychic show you watched that gave you the idea that my brother's spirit was reincarnated into my son?

She finally had to give up (at least for the moment, we'll see how long it lasts) trying to ram the surfboard and skateboards and stunt bikes down my older son's throat because, ha ha, he HATES anything to do with riding on ANYTHING.

I miss my brother. I realize she misses him more, but Im tired of the guilt trips because Im not as sad as she is, and the stupid comments about how alike my brother and my little one are, the surprise when my little one doesnt share something with my brother-'Wow, (brother) didnt have curls like (little one)!' Um, why should he have? My son comes from me and my HUSBAND, not YOU, not my brother. My brother was a screw up, he made a thousand and one bad decisions and got himself killed because of yet one more bad choice. I DONT want my kids to be like he was. Share interests, sure, if thats what they want or who they are, but I dont want them to be like he was! And thats all she wants-is to make my little guy into her precious son who could do no wrong. No matter how much wrong he really did, because she made excuses for all of it.

Sorry this makes me sound so bitter and vicious but I cant say anything to her because, hey, Im not actually a bitch. So here it is, my vent from this morning. (sigh)

by on May. 12, 2013 at 11:44 AM
Replies (11-20):
by Gold Member on May. 12, 2013 at 8:34 PM
1 mom liked this
That sounds about right.

Quoting LadySaphira:

sounds like your mom would benefit from seeing a grief councilor.

by on May. 12, 2013 at 9:14 PM

She'll deny shes doing anything of the sort. I honestly dont think she even sees it when she does it; when my oldest was small, she would constantly buy him skater (skate boarding) and surfer clothes, talk constantly about getting him on a skateboard because thats what his uncle does. That was before my brother even died, so it's not that this is new, just worse now. It took a lot to get her to accept that he won't even ride a bike, let alone anything else, and she still insists on buying him clothes that dont fit his personality. Im just waiting (and just starting to see now that he's almost five) for him to be able to tell her, Mimi, I dont like that. She'll have to swallow her disappointment when it comes from his own lips.
Beyond that, her idea of spending time with my boys is planting them in front of the TV because, in her words, they dont get any here at home. (Which is not true, I just limit it more than she wants me to) So it doesnt make any real difference what theyre interested in, as long as she can plug in a movie and thats her idea of quality time.

As for counseling, I wish she would but shes considered it and come the conclusion that it won't help so she'll just deal on her own. Thanks for reading!

Quoting Anonymous:

  Why not just say, "hey mom listen I know you miss (whatever your brother's name is) and loved him dearly I am not trying to/nor do I want to take that away from you. I love and miss him too. I think about him daily as well but I can't ignore my present for the past. I have to focus on my children and moving forward. What I do want is for you to see my son for who he is. Not (your brother's name). (Your son's name) is a person of his own and he does have his own interests. Instead of trying to give him (your brother's) interests get to know (your son's). You guys can play catch or draw, (what your son) likes to do together."  I would also maybe try therapy if she is willing to do it with you.


by on May. 12, 2013 at 9:16 PM

 As my oldest is getting bigger, hes starting to tell her what he does and doesnt like and to push his own ideas at her, so it's only a matter of time. I just wish she wouldnt be such a pain in the meantime. But, like you said, shes depriving herself, so hopefully she'll wake up and figure it out sooner rather than later.

And thank you...

Quoting SerenityBerry:

I'm sorry for your family's loss. I'm also sorry that your mom is acting like she is, she is depriving herself of the opprotunity to get to know the wonderful individuals that your boys are by only seeing your brother in them. Hopefully as they get older and can assert their personalities and interests better Grandma will have to face that they aren't him.


by on May. 12, 2013 at 9:17 PM

I wish she would but shes decided it won't do any good. Thank you for reading!

Quoting LadySaphira:

sounds like your mom would benefit from seeing a grief councilor.


by on May. 13, 2013 at 10:21 AM

maybe its time for a real sit down.  I mean no kids just you and her and maybe your hubby.  Tell her its no longer sweet and enduring its making you uncomfortable compairing them.  Help her find a support group and tell her she is starting to make you feel like you don't want to be around her.  Explain that her actions are pushing you away and that she's going to end up losing two kids with this behavior

by Silver Member on May. 13, 2013 at 11:41 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm sorry. :-(

by Member on May. 13, 2013 at 12:02 PM
1 mom liked this

I think the way you feel is reasonable. I know it's not the same but my grandmother points out how much my son is like my bio dad....I can't stand my bio dad...but "oh he looks so much like him", "oh he has so much of his personality", he doesn't. My son is his own person, my son is loving, compassionate, and kind hearted...NOTHING like my bio dad. It drives me nuts when she compares the two.

expecting boy

by Bronze Member on May. 13, 2013 at 12:26 PM
1 mom liked this
As someone who believes strongly in reincarnation, it doesn't work like that. I know some people might want it to, and your mom seems to be one of those, but it just doesn't.
From most beliefs, reincarnation is not a quick thing. You must take some time in the afterworld/summerlands to reflect on your past life before you come back to the world to try to learn your next set of lessons. Most times (again, in my belief system)you spend years in the Summerlands, waiting for those you loved in life to join you, before you all start the life cycle over again. While it's true that souls do tend to travel in packs, together with those they have always known, it's not an instantaneous thing.
Good luck. I hope your mother is able to cope with your brother's loss soon, and that she doesn't continue trying to shove him into your son. That does a disservice to your son, and to hers.
by Gold Member on May. 13, 2013 at 2:13 PM
1 mom liked this

While I know she's suffering and I can understand why she is doing what she's doing, it's totally  unfair to you or your son for her to keep trying to make her son live again through yours. I'm hoping she can find a different way to learn to grieve the loss of her son that will allow her to accept that he's gone. I'm so sorry that you lost your brother, it must be terribly difficult. I lost a cousin years ago in a drowning accident and it was the worst thing I've ever had to go through, I can't imagine losing a brother. You can be understanding that her actions are coming from serious, deep grief, but you can also gently keep reminding her that your son is not her son come alive again. It's a tough line to walk, but you are right to stand up for your son as his own person with his own interests. I hope it gets easier for you, hugs.

by Member on May. 13, 2013 at 4:47 PM
1 mom liked this
For my mil its my sis in law that my girlie reminds her of and its irritating to say the least.
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