Depression. Yep, that's what this is about.
My youngest is almost 4 months. I can't stand for him to cry, but i'm losing all feeling of "i need to figure out what's wrong". I still care for him, but i'm losing the WANT to do it. (Does that make sense?) I don't want to take care of me or my other three children either. Our home... We won't even discuss how our home is suffering from my neglect. It's not filthy- i've just lost desire to do all but the barest necessities.
I don't know how this started. I'm not even sure i could pinpoint when.
And then today... I haven't seen my SO in weeks. He's working. I'm working. I'm taking care of my kids when i'm not working. (They're not his.) He doesn't call except rarely. That's ok- it's easier for me to answer a text than to find time to talk on the phone. But i've been feeling lonely and depressed lately. I need his support. So i talked to him the other night. I told him. His answer was to stop all conversation and go to bed cuz he "didn't want to upset me more than i already am". I cried. Last night, i tried to talk again. Even went so far as to tell him i felt we were "losing" our relationship, and why. Never got a response- he supposedly fell asleep. Today i asked him if he wanted to spend the day with me and my kids before he went to work. That was a negative. I tried not to get upset. I asked if he wanted to come over tonight after work. He had plans tomorrow, so he couldn't.
I don't think i stopped crying for an hour. I need him and he won't talk, won't text, won't spend time with me. Our birthdays are a day apart- i made a comment that we didn't even know for sure we'd get to spend it together. He didn't even try to reassure me we would. The thoughts in my head right now... Let's just say i don't want to think of things between us ending, but i wouldn't be surprised if they did.
Good grief, this is long and rambling. I'm sorry. I just had to get part of it out somehow. If you stuck thru to the end, thanks. Please be gentle.