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SILs pregnant and I'm not supposed to know. Just a bit of a whine.

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

Today my DH's cousin Lisa came over to hang out for a little while before she had to pick her DD up from school.  At some point during our conversation, she said, "I have a secret to tell you, but you have to swear not to say a word!"  So, I asked her what it was and she told me that my SIL is about four weeks pregnant but isn't "announcing" until the 12 week mark.  The only reason Lisa knew is because my MIL immediately texted her when she found out (MIL is the ONLY person SIL told).  Apparently, my MIL informed Lisa not to tell anyone (aka: Me) because it's a secret until week 12.  WTF?!  It's a secret from me, but not Lisa?

I am transitioning back and forth between angry and extremely hurt.  I know this might not seem like a big deal to some, but you'd have to understand our dynamics. 

First of all, my SIL's fiance is my cousin (who is like a brother to me).  They've been together since before I ever even met DH.  That's actually how I met him, SIL was with my cousin and she decided to hook me up with her brother.  So, this child-to-be is not only my husband's blood, but mine also.  My MIL and I are very close.  I guess I overestimated our relationship, though, because she purposefully excluded me from this news but went right to DH's cousin.  That doesn't make a bit of sense.  Am I not considered trustworthy enough to keep a secret?  Obviously Lisa isn't very much, because she told me the first chance she got and she's also told her husband.  SIL has no clue that Lisa, her DH and myself know about her pregnancy.   I was told by Lisa that MIL and SIL definitely did not want me to know because they think I'm going to tell my aunt (the child's GRANDMOTHER!!!)  No, I'm not going to completely obliterate my aunt's heart by telling her, "Hey, you're gonna be a grandma and you're the last to know!"   I would NEVER announce someone else's pregnancy or any secret, regardless.  It's not my place.

I am upset with MIL.  She shouldn't have told anyone, period.  But, the fact that she went right to Lisa directly after hanging up the phone with SIL makes my blood boil.  It's like a smack in the face.  Where does this woman get the impression that I would run around telling everyone about this?  I've never done anything like that before.  Kinda crazy, because Lisa did what MIL's assuming I'll do.  Whatever.

I just want to make it clear before I submit this that I do understand it is the mother and father's right to decide when to announce and to whom.  This post isn't about that.  I am NOT upset with SIL.  She simply confided in her mother.  I just can't believe MIL doesn't trust me after all this time. 

Posted by Anonymous on May. 21, 2013 at 7:03 PM
Replies (11-18):
IWantOneMorePlz
by Member on May. 22, 2013 at 2:36 PM

SIL's Mother should have kept her mouth shut.  It is up to SIL and her fiance when and how to tell people.  When they do decide to tell, everyone is already going to know because mom blabbed.

aj_mom
by Bronze Member on May. 22, 2013 at 2:43 PM

 That's messed up then that was the only reason I could think of for her not confiding the "secret" in you. Oh well and I don't blame you for being upset with SIL for sayin that to your MIL.


Quoting Anonymous:

We're not trying right now. MIL knows I wouldn't get upset. Last year, there were two babies born in the family and I was all excited and did the showers and stuff. So, I know it can't be that. She also knows that I do not know about SIL's pregnancy. SIL told her that she and my cousin agreed on a 12 week announcement because it is super early. My aunt and uncle have absolutely no idea they're having another grandchild. The only person SIL told was my MIL. She made MIL swear to secrecy, but of course MIL told Lisa. I mean, immediately told Lisa. Whenever MIL decides to finally trust me enough with the information and tells me, I am not going to act surprised. I am simply going to let her know that I've known all along so that she will feel like shit for not trusting me. Lisa told me that SIL specifically requested that I not be told. Therefore, she can find someone else to throw her baby shower, etc.
Quoting aj_mom:

Are you and DH trying for a baby? If so maybe she didn't tell you because she didn't want you to be upset. Or maybe she thought you already knew. But I agree just don't say anything and act totally surprised when the "secret" is finally revealed.



 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 22, 2013 at 2:46 PM

I agree.  The buck stops with me, but so far, I know, Lisa knows and her DH.  MIL knows, of course, and I am not sure if she told FIL or not.  I refuse to tell my DH or anyone, for that matter.  It's not like MIL is super excited about having a grandchild and couldn't contain herself, or something.  She didn't want SIL to have another child.  SIL had really bad pre-eclampsia with her first child and it got so bad in the end that the baby had to be delivered six weeks early.  Both could have died and the doctors told her it WILL happen again in a second pregnancy.  She lives with chronically high blood pressure.  Also, SIL is not a phenomenal mother, by any means.  So, I can't even give MIL the excuse of being too thrilled to keep her mouth shut.  She begged SIL not to have her IUD taken out.

Quoting IWantOneMorePlz:

SIL's Mother should have kept her mouth shut.  It is up to SIL and her fiance when and how to tell people.  When they do decide to tell, everyone is already going to know because mom blabbed.


 

rebeccasmly
by Silver Member on May. 22, 2013 at 3:01 PM
Obviously MIL can't be trusted with a secret. I can understand why you're angry with her.
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AnnieMcD
by Bronze Member on May. 22, 2013 at 5:40 PM
I'm torn. On the one hand, I would call SIL right away and say, look, I know you wanted to keep it a secret, but you told the wrong person and now the only one who doesn't know is *Child's Grandmother* ...
On the other hand, that's a great way to start family drama.

IDK what you should do. :o(
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on May. 22, 2013 at 5:48 PM
Im sorry. I dont trust my mil and sil as far as i can throw them.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 25, 2013 at 11:34 PM

Just wanted to update to let everyone know that yesterday, MIL finally told me about the pregnancy, herself.  I sort of drove the conversation in that direction, because there was just news of another pregnancy in my family.  When MIL told me, I made sure to let her know that I'd already been told by Lisa.  I think she felt like shit so she tried to backpedal and make it sound like she didn't mean to exclude me.  She said, "When (SIL) first told me she was pregnant, she didn't say it was a secret.  So, I told (FIL), Lisa and a bunch of my friends right away.  Then, (SIL) called back and told me that I wasn't supposed to be saying anything to anyone."

Which, is total BULLSHIT.  I was THERE when MIL found out and while she was hammering away at her phone texting her fucking friends and everybody else.  She purposefully did not tell ME.  MIL sat in her car and talked to SIL for a while after I'd gone in the house.  She came in the house about 20 mins later and sat quietly, pounding on her phone.  She did not say a word to me.  Which immediately tells me that SIL specifically named me as someone not to tell.

Oh well.  Like I said, when the baby shower comes around, I will bring a modest gift as a guest and nothing more.  I've been down this road before with Lisa.  She was my BFF all throughout her pregnancy as I spent over $400 on her and her shower.  Then, right before she had her baby she completely dropped me like a hot rock.  I wasn't even able to see the baby until she was two days old.  I will not allow myself to be used like that again.  I'm only good to these people when I've got something to offer.

HappyMommyToo
by Bronze Member on May. 26, 2013 at 10:25 AM
Agreed


Quoting anotherhalf:

In spite of the hurt, you did learn a very valuable lesson before it's too late.  1)  Your MIL can't be trusted and 2) neither can Lisa.  I would also feel very sorry for my SIL because this whole thing is likely to blow up in a bad way depending on who else finds out.  I'd consider yourself lucky that you found out who not to trust without it being your secret.


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