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Why is it so wrong to ask gma to spend some one on one time with my children?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 16 Replies

I am a middle child , I have an older brother and a younger brother. My father was abusive and an acholic when we were younger, my older brother went to prison for 5+ yrs. My family was torn apart he went away when he was 16. Anyways my mom and I had a good realtionship, I fought with her and moved out when I was 17 but otherwise I talked to her everyday when I was younger, I always felt though the world dropped when my brother went away, she was always about him and would go see him every week, didn't miss any phone calls, struggled to support him while he was in there. I became a young parent my mom hated her dad. It was a tough situation and it probably didn't help that I was immature (well we both were) young and  a parent. After I had my daughter things changed for me, her dad and I did fight and everytime I would turn to my mom, I always took care of my own child though, ever relied on noone. I have worked with her pretty much since I was 12 ,  had to quit a few times because of our fights. To make long family history short, my brother came home and for the first year it was hell, she was always worried about him because he couldn't seem to get on the right path. We got thru that he eventually met someone and he ended up having a child with her after a few mnths. Immediately she was accepted into the family and my mom loved her. They had their first child and mainly everyone else would take care of her especially my mom. She was almost like a 2nd mother. Anyways moral of my story because I know i could go on and on is that now with him having 2 girls, I also have 2 girls. Him and his wife both work and my mom takes the kids than she meets them after the mother gets out of work. My mom and I barely talk I feel almost in a way she don't like me. She always undermines my feelings like "oh she is just jealous" " I hear this all the time" "I can't wait for your daughters to do this to you" as in I have gotten very upset in feeling like she makes way more time for my brother and his family than she does for my children. She never spends any one on one time with them even tho I have expressed to her that I would like her to, she never comes to my house to visit me, doesn't ever ask me to do anything with her alone. She just brushes me  off I try to tell her how I feel yet she has a way of making me feel that I am always wrong, and says she isn't kissing anyone's ass. I feel like I am her only daughter why wouldn't she want to make it work, how does wanting more time with your mother and you kids having some one on one time make me so wrong or bad? She doesn't respect me thats how I feel, we open cabins and she never ask me what time is good for me, always gives me last minute times that she is going out there. I have been with my better half for 13 yrs and he still doesn't get the respect my brothers wife gets from my mom. Personally my issue is with my mom she just doesn't see what she is doing hurts me. She thinks she treats her children fair and she don't, she thinks I am wrong and who cares if my brothers kids are there when my kids are which is never, becasue I never go around my moms anymore. I don't even like spending time over there, I love my nieces that will never change but I just can't help how I feel it has nothing to do with them personally it is all with my mom. I feel like I have left so much stuff out but could go on and on. I just want to clarify am I being awful to reach out to my mom and tell her "spend some time with me" ? "spend some alone time with my girls"? My oldest coudl really use that bond she is almost 11. Have any of you been in this situation how do you handle it ? I def feel like the black sheep, yet I ask no one for nothing, take care of my children and am doing my best to be a good parent.

Posted by Anonymous on Jun. 15, 2013 at 7:39 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jun. 15, 2013 at 12:49 PM

Join the club, I wish I had answers for you.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jun. 15, 2013 at 12:54 PM

My mom does the exact same thing! My older brother is always in and out of jail. She constantly bails him out. Takes all of his kids and him out to do things and just completely forgets about us. He's constantly popping out kids, with different women. I have my own business and I take care of my own. I am a good women and I raise my children well. You would think she'd be proud of me. If I didn't contact her, there probably would be no contact. I've asked her many times to do things with me and my child, on my tab. And she still declines. I just feel like giving up. If you ever figure it out, let me know.

catrig
by Silver Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 3:02 PM
Limit contact or cut her out.
psych_mom
by on Jun. 15, 2013 at 3:12 PM

I have been there and there have been times when I had to stop talking to her and having contact with her. Now she tries to spend every Monday with my kids and she is always asking if any want to spend the night on the weekends. It took a long time to get there. I think they feel guilty when a sibling makes a bad choice and goes to prison. They blame themselves for it and then try to make it up to that child for forever when it isn't their fault and they end up hurting the other kids and grandkids in the process. Your mom is going to have to realize what she is doing on her own. You are going to have to stop calling her and asking her to do this and just go on with your life. Once she realizes that you aren't there she will most likely start realizing what she has been doing on her own.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jun. 15, 2013 at 4:37 PM

When I started to read this, it really hit home.  Both of my parents drank.  My mom less than my dad.  I'm the youngest of 3 kids.  I have an older sister and brother.  The fighting was unreal.  Anything that could be picked up was thrown at one another.  The cops lived at our house.  When it came time to pressing charges, my mom never would. 

My folks divorced in 1967.  My mom remarried in 1969 to an abusive man.  They divorced in 1975.  To make a long story short, I know all about abusive parents and the men in my life. 

My brother has been in and out of jail for years.  My dad would always help him and give him money.  I haven't seen my brother in many years.  I know dad passed away so I don't know what he's doing now.

I can't answer you as to why your mom kisses your brother's ass and helps him and won't come over and spend time with your family.  I'm pretty much a straight shooter.  I would sit down with your mom sometime and ask her.  Tell her how hurt you are that she spends so much time with your brother and his family but not yours. 

By the way, my sister is 13 years older than me.  I tried (back in the early '80's) to have a relationship with her and she'd never come over or make an attempt to want to get to know me.  I know it hurts.  I had to accept that and go forward.  You can't make people come to you.  Don't waste your energy.  Be around the people that make you happy.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jun. 16, 2013 at 6:49 AM

I had the same thoughts about my mom - if I didn't contact her, there wouldn't be any contact.  well, I got fed up with being the only one putting any effort into it, and simply quit.  I won't beg someone to spend time with me or my daughters. 

and true to what I thought, we haven't really spoken since January.  she left me a voice mail and message on facebook wishing me a happy birthday, I left her a voice mail wishing her a happy mothers day.  that's enough, I am much happier now that I'm not trying to force something that will never be.  I don't spend as much time disappointed, or wondering why she can have a relationship with my siblings but not me.  I am not the problem here, if I were my inlaws wouldn't have taken me into their fold like I was blood related. 

I finally feel free.  never again will I sit there like Charlie Brown with his football, knowing that Lucy is going to pull it away yet hoping time after time that it will be different.  I have accepted things as they are, and I'm content with my life as it is.

Quoting Anonymous:

My mom does the exact same thing! My older brother is always in and out of jail. She constantly bails him out. Takes all of his kids and him out to do things and just completely forgets about us. He's constantly popping out kids, with different women. I have my own business and I take care of my own. I am a good women and I raise my children well. You would think she'd be proud of me. If I didn't contact her, there probably would be no contact. I've asked her many times to do things with me and my child, on my tab. And she still declines. I just feel like giving up. If you ever figure it out, let me know.


 

fivegirls333
by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 7:27 AM

all of you are just breaking my heart!!!  i am so sorry.  with as crazy and hard and as mean as this world is...the one soft place you have to fall...should be in to your mother's arms...at any age!  i know the "bad" kid seems to "need" more attention, but as a mother you bust your ass to make sure everyone "feels" you love them, personally, and just for themselves!  all i can say is that maybe you were given this lesson for a reason?  maybe you will need to remember this when your kids grow up or someone very special to you will need some help coping with this as well.  it can always be worse, but this would break my heart.  my mommy died two years ago...i don't know how much this world would suck without "knowing" that she loved me...it makes me mad that she totally disregards your feelings...real or not!  so sad...

Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jun. 16, 2013 at 8:26 AM

my mother ignored three of my kids and favored one....

Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Jun. 16, 2013 at 9:35 AM

Ah, the middle child syndrome.  I'm in the club too.  My brother (eldest) could do no wrong. I was the one punished for HIS bad behavior.  His kids were doted on hand and foot.  It's like mine barely exist.  I have tried to reach out, shared my feelings but it doesn't matter.  At one point my mother even blamed me for ruining her bond and closeness to my brother for being born, telling me she didn't want me and had wished she had believed in abortions because after I was born I took up too much time that she had wanted to give to my brother.  I have no advice for you other than to just accept it and try not to let it consume you.  I empathize to the Nth degree.  It's not right.  It's not fair and it's deeply hurtful.  Just pour your love into your children. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jun. 16, 2013 at 9:47 AM
I am thinking cutting her out is what I need to do. It's just so damn hard and I don't even know why!
Quoting Anonymous:

I had the same thoughts about my mom - if I didn't contact her, there wouldn't be any contact.  well, I got fed up with being the only one putting any effort into it, and simply quit.  I won't beg someone to spend time with me or my daughters. 

and true to what I thought, we haven't really spoken since January.  she left me a voice mail and message on facebook wishing me a happy birthday, I left her a voice mail wishing her a happy mothers day.  that's enough, I am much happier now that I'm not trying to force something that will never be.  I don't spend as much time disappointed, or wondering why she can have a relationship with my siblings but not me.  I am not the problem here, if I were my inlaws wouldn't have taken me into their fold like I was blood related. 

I finally feel free.  never again will I sit there like Charlie Brown with his football, knowing that Lucy is going to pull it away yet hoping time after time that it will be different.  I have accepted things as they are, and I'm content with my life as it is.

Quoting Anonymous:

My mom does the exact same thing! My older brother is always in and out of jail. She constantly bails him out. Takes all of his kids and him out to do things and just completely forgets about us. He's constantly popping out kids, with different women. I have my own business and I take care of my own. I am a good women and I raise my children well. You would think she'd be proud of me. If I didn't contact her, there probably would be no contact. I've asked her many times to do things with me and my child, on my tab. And she still declines. I just feel like giving up. If you ever figure it out, let me know.


 

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