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I wish he'd be consistent!!!

Posted by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:07 PM
  • 4 Replies
My SO is and has NEVER been consistent with his 4 yr old son. BM is the same way! The only 2 ppl that are actually consistent with him is myself and BM's mother. She and I have actually had this conversation before abt them not working with him correctly. Maybe they parent this way bc of guilt frm the divorce, whether it be consciously or subconsciously. Either way, it drives me nuts!! Especially when it comes to discipline.
Around here, Discipline goes THIS way:

A. Time-out after one warning and time-outs are one min for every year. (4 mins / 4 years old)

B. Time-outs DO NOT START until he's quiet!!

C. If he's done something bad that he knows better than to do, or he has been in trouble for that same thing more than a few times then he gets a spanking and time-out.

SO never follows ANY of these rules. Sometimes it's a spanking for something "small" or just because he doesn't want to spend the time with time-out. Sometimes it's "would you rather have a spanking or time-out?" Lmao!!! ... Time-outs are never as long as they should be. I'm sorry, but one min in time-out doesn't work, especially if they're crying!! It's pointless. Might as well slightly pop his little hand! Time-outs with SO could be up to 10 mins of crying and he gives up.

Also... Rules like walking or jumping on the couch, or shooting his play guns (which I don't like anyway) at the dogs or at ppl... SO never enforces these rules. He just lets them slide. Then when I say something, I'm the bad guy and DS says "daddy, can I?" .. Sometimes he tells me that it was a stupid rule anyway (today, the guns being shot at our new dog, and it was scaring the crap out of her) and lets him do it. Sometimes it's "what did Monica say?" And DS cries.

DS knows what he can get away with (murder) when it's just Daddy and him. I guess he might just forget to NOT do them when I'm home. Haha! Oh... One time he told SO's mom's husband that he "didn't have to listen bc all his Daddy did was yell".... That right there should have made him think and re-evaluate his way of discipline, but NOOOOO.

Does anyone else have this problem? I tell SO that he HAS to be consistent with his son or he'll never learn. ... He just brushes it off. He's HIS little boy and he can do no wrong & he doesn't "want him to hate being with him bc he gets in trouble all the time"

Quote today from SO to myself: "My Gosh, he's in time-out every effin 5 mins!" ... I said "Well, if you would actually be consistent with him and discipline him like you should, he would LISTEN after the first warning and not do it again!!" This was the same play gun incident where he was shooting the dog... I warned him once. Then SO warned him twice (after he realized it was a rule again) he STILL did it not even one minute after the warning, and I sent him to time-out, which SO pulled him out of after one minute of solid crying.

How abt if daddy wouldn't "just yell"... This wouldn't happen nearly every time he's here!

If you've taken the time to read this. Thanks!! Lol! Leave some advice if you've got any. :))

Happy Tuesday!!
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:07 PM
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Replies (1-4):
Monica86lynn
by Member on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:35 PM
He's not even consistent with him in brushing his teeth or bedtime. Like tonight I had to remind him to brush his teeth before bed.. & he's just getting to bed at 10:34! ... Last night it was 11! .. Last weekend, that little boy didn't go to sleep until 3:30 AM!!!
Karopie_99
by Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:57 AM
1 mom liked this
Wow that sounds like a mess! Your SO really needs to get a hamdle on being a dad not a friend! The boy needs discipline for more than 1 reason! If he keeps letting all the poor choices slide and letting punishments go unfufilled, eventually the boy will rule the house! And the teen yrs will be even harder than the normal teen yrs. You need to sit down SO and BM....maybe even get BM mom. in on it too! Try not to yell and scream and get the tension high, cause that will help noone. But everyone needs to be atleast close to similar terms on ways of parenting you can all agree on amd a plan you can all stick with. Sounds like youve really stepped up to the plate with this little boy, maybe dad thinks he doesn't have to because you are doing it for him? I hope everything works out for you
arwalters
by Member on Jul. 4, 2013 at 7:13 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm not sure I have great advice but I'll give it a shot. I had a similar problem with dh and ds (who is also 4). Difference is, dh would be too strict and discipline w/o warning. I wanted to do away with spanking b/c I could see it was not working and only making everyone's temper rise and then we're all having a bad day. I'm a sahm so while dh is at work all day I have plenty of time to figure out what works and what doesn't with him. I came up with a plan that gave us chance to reward more often and feel less like we're constantly punishing. First I made a sticker chart. Ds has several opportunities to earn stickers and for each row of 7 stickers he gets a dollar. When he has earned 5 rows of stickers ($5) he can get a small toy or book or you can substitute a day at the park or something equivalent to that instead of getting money, just make sure there is some level of excitement/reward for each row he earns so he will feel like he is getting closer to that prize. He can earn a sticker for picking up his toys, doing school work (I homeschool him), brushing his teeth, helping me with chores, and even just for behaving himself when we go out. He will even pick out a toy he wants ahead of time and I take a picture of it to remind him what he's working towards when he needs some motivation. Now for discipline: warning 1st but make sure to get down to his level and look him in the eye so you know you have his attention. "This is your warning. Do blah, blah again and you're going in time out". 2nd offense, straight to time out. Now here's where we differ and I think this way may not only be effective but also easier for his dad to follow through with. I start time out even if he is crying but when 4 min are up I tell him when you're ready to calm down you can come talk to me. When he calms I ask why he is in time out and get an apology. Now if when he 1st goes to time out he is being especially crazy (banging the wall, stomping his feet, etc) I tell him I am adding another min b/c he is (say whatever he is doing) and if he continues I tell him I'm adding another. I make it especially tangible for him by keeping an old school kitchen timer near time out area out of his reach of course. I wind it to 4min then show him as I add each min. I never have to add more than one or two b/c he is devastated by this and though he may cry more he stops the banging/stomping immediately. If none of this works, spanking is a last resort. I have sometimes threatened to and taken stickers away but don't like to b/c it can make the reward too hard to reach so I quit doing that. Now to get his dad on the same page isn't easy but is possible. When dh gets home I sit down and talk to him about the system I've worked out and since I already know it works I show him as soon as ds acts up again. Dh stands by while I go through the motions and he is pleasantly surprised. But as soon as ds does something again, he doesn't bother with the system, he just yells or spanks so I constantly remind him to use the system. Eventually it got through his thick skull and ds really responded well when dh used the system right. He still gets lazy and I still have to remind him but at least ds is listening really well to me now and the sticker thing is like a bonding time for us which also makes him more willing to listen to me. Hope this helps, I know it's really difficult when you're partner isn't on the same page and unfortunately kids pick up on your weaknesses real quick. Good luck!

Monica86lynn
by Member on Jul. 6, 2013 at 4:36 AM
Thanks Arwalters! I think I may try that system or something rewarding. We had a sticker reward system when we potty trained & it worked on and off. He just didn't care, but maybe since he's a little older this would work. It's very hard to keep SO on the same page. It's much harder when we have BM and his Nana parenting him too. He's lucky to have so many but it seems sometimes that theres too many parenting figures in his life. Too many different ways of handling him. Someone has taught him "You're gonna make me cry" , which came up today as he tried to make us feel sorry for him. I told him crying doesn't get him what he wants. He's so stubborn sometimes. He said "will it help me get my phone?" (his play phone that I had taken away for the night bc he threw it. Lol!) ... I will try and start a system and sit down with SO and try to get it through HIS thick skull that we need to be consistent with discipline and thorough throughout.

Thanks again! I appreciate your story and your success. :))
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