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I can't do anything with HER kids

Posted by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 3:50 PM
  • 10 Replies

So my fiance and i have started to move forward with out lives together and that means doing things with all of our children.  My fiance is a truck driver so he is gone a good amount of the time which leaves me to fend for my self with the kids.  My soon to be step daughter IMed me the other day asking if i would sign her up for a dance class and if we could go together because I am a dancer.  I told her i would have to speak with her dad first but i don't see why not.  My fiance thought it was a great idea and when i went to move forward with the situation i got the backlash of his ex telling me that i was out of line and had no right to let her daughter, who is 12, pick what she wanted to do and that she was GOING to play soccer this year even though she doesn't like it.  She keeps telling me that i am not allowed to make these decisions in the family and that i need to BACK OFF and realize my place!! HELP what do i do?  BTW my fiance is on my side.

by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 3:50 PM
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by Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 3:51 PM

Let dad and bio mom handle it. If he is okay with it, he needs to tell bio mom and not put you in the middle.  It is a catch 22.  Because she is not your bio kid, the parents will have to handle this one.  Good luck.

by Anonymous 1 on Jul. 24, 2013 at 3:57 PM

In this situation, you need to step back and let dad and bio mom hash this out. I don't think you are wrong at all, I think bio mom is, but she does have a say in this. At 12 your SD should be able to pick what she wants and that's great that she felt she could come to you and you are willing to help.Good luck! 

by Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 3:58 PM
You did the right thing by consulting your husband prior to giving your sd an answer. BM at this point is just mad that maybe she wasn't included in the decision. It's not your fault sd came to you, it's not like you went to sd with the idea.
I guess you know for next time to have your dh handle things even with sd because it could possibly get back to BM that you've communicated with her.
Good luck!
by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 4:24 PM

i'm kind of in the same boat as you.  bm keeps saying that i'm overstepping my boundaries with ss.  DH's work hours overlap ss's school times, so i end up dropping him off before i go to work and picking him up during my lunch breaks.  anyways bm thinks i'm overstepping my boundaries because i went to the office to pay for afterschool fees and asked the teacher for homework that ss didnt receive but was marked as due.  DH saw nothing of it because it was something that SS needed for school, but apparently bm does not want me to even talk to anyone around SS's school.

anyways, it was a good thing to ask DH first.  Always make sure DH knows what's going on.  Then let DH and BM discuss what activity they're going to put your SD in.  you kind of just have to grow thick skin and not let bm's accusations get to you.  it's hard because it still gets to me sometimes (and i've been doing this for 5 years now), but as long as DH has your back and it's in the best interest of SD then that's fine.

by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 4:32 PM

Her issue is with your DH, not you.  As long as you went through your husband, you didn't do anything wrong.  You don't need to deal with BM at all.  Let your DH handle it.  As far as I can see, there's nothing to handle. 

Do the dance classes occur during your DH's time?  If BM is going to be expected to take SD to these classes, then she should have been consulted BY YOUR DH.  If not, there's no problem. 

My SS does all kinds of things with his stepdad (second stepdad in 5 years).  As long as they don't occur during my DH's time, we'd never think to object (though it does bother DH; the fact that it bothers him doesn't make it "wrong", kwim?).  In fact, a recent activity with stepdad recently cut into DH's parenting time by one day, but DH didn't object because SS really wanted to do it.  At any rate, if he did object, he would communicate his objection to his ex, not stepdad.  My DH and the ex call the shots with the kids.  The stepparents work through their respective spouses. 


by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 4:52 PM

The bio mother and father should talk first before any plans are made.

by Taco Bell Princess on Jul. 24, 2013 at 7:00 PM

Quoting Sigmalade:

The bio mother and father should talk first before any plans are made.

by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 7:09 PM

You do need to back off and realize your place.

I don't think you have bad intentions or anything, but your SD has a mom and a dad and you are neither of those.  You can love your SD and dance with her when she's at her dad's, but you can't make decisions like signing her up for stuff. 

Legally, you are a stranger to the child.  Being a step-mom is very hard.  Your place is to love and care for the child as needed, but to leave the decision making up to the child's legal parents.

Just read that you said that you aren't married yet, so you are not a step-mom yet. But what I said still applies because you are a soon-to-be stepmom.
by New Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 6:31 PM

Thank you for all of the ideas i am trying to just step back and not cause any more issues, but even my husband says i did nothing wrong.  Also found out that BM wants SD to do socer because she say that i was speaking with her about dance and she doesnt want her to take dance because i suggested it.  The only reason why i suggested it was becaues my SD has danced and done poms off and on for the last 8 years.  I have no problem with her doing something else as long as she is having fun and likes what she is doing.  In the end it is about the kids being happy not the grown ups.

by New Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 6:35 PM
little harsh to say when you dont know the full situation, and i wasnt going to sign her up myself i even communicated to her dad that maybe he can speak with her mom to find a school and a time that would work all around. And when i heard about the soccer i thought that it was cool i didnt say anything to her about i being stupid or lame and that she should dance instead she came up with that on her own. I grew up with step-parents that were and are extreamly supportive and have a big part of my life.
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