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Bored in Our Marriage...

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 8 Replies

I have been battling with myself on whether to post on here; but I figured...oh what the heck:

So here is a quick overview...I have been married for quite a while and we have kids (old enough to know mom and dad are not always happy).  My dh and I have had some major issues in the past; but always managed to get thru (mostly due to my acquiesing)...but we have truly just grown apart.  We don't have much in common at all except our kids.  We are pretty much opposite in every way and it is taking a huge toll on our marriage.  My dh says he is "bored" and there is no excitement.  We don't even argue or fight because we just don't have the energy or maybe we don't care enough anymore to fight.  

I have suggested marriage counseling, books, retreats, etc.  Everything is shot down and I don't know what else to suggest.  I have tried changing myself; but I feel like such a phony.  He has bought me books to read like "How to Think like a Man"...which I read and then thought...why the hell do I have to do all the changing just to fit his life?  This is a marriage and we are supposed to compromise, right?

anyway, I am frustrated and sad.  I don't want to get divorced (as I am a product of divorce) and if my dh wants to, that is fine...but I WON"T be the one to start it...my older son and I have a very special relationship and I know he could not handle it if I was the one to end the marriage.  

So what are your thoughts ladies?  Just stick it out and live like roommates until the kids are out of the house, keep trying to get him on board with counseling, etc? any other thoughts on how to make it work?

Thanks!

Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 31, 2013 at 10:43 AM
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Replies (1-8):
flowerchild0315
by Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:17 AM

Does he want to get a divorce? you guys really need to talk.  If you want it to work than you absolutely need couples counseling.  Its not healthy for you guys and exspecially the kids.  You only have one life don't waste it.  I am truly sorry. My heart goes out to you.  My husband and I have rough patches as well and for me theres nothing more upsetting when your not getting along with your best friend and lover.  xoxo

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:04 PM

What brought you together in the first place, are there parts of that left?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:55 PM


I don't think he would actually say those words but I do think he is just hanging on for the kids' sake :(  I believe we both still love each other but I don't know if we are IN love with each other anymore.  And we both respect each other as parents of our children.  I would love counseling; but he won't agree to it...I have tried to coax him to go on several occasions.

Quoting flowerchild0315:

Does he want to get a divorce? you guys really need to talk.  If you want it to work than you absolutely need couples counseling.  Its not healthy for you guys and exspecially the kids.  You only have one life don't waste it.  I am truly sorry. My heart goes out to you.  My husband and I have rough patches as well and for me theres nothing more upsetting when your not getting along with your best friend and lover.  xoxo



CharmMom1216
by Bronze Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:56 PM
Ask him what do he want. But your right you should not be the only one changing
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:57 PM


We have been together since high school...so almost 20 years later we are very different people :(  I try and think about what brought us together in the first place (when we finally got married...not until our mid 20's), but I don't remember...I honestly think it was our son that kept us together...my dh has told me several times that he wanted to be with me because he knew I could make him a better person and get him out of the type of life he grew up in (welfare, bad parenting, etc) and be successful.  Now that he is successful, I guess my job is done???

Quoting Anonymous:

What brought you together in the first place, are there parts of that left?



vlynn.iowa
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 2:04 PM
1 mom liked this

Can you get someone to watch the kids and get away for a weekend?  It sounds like you both need to sit down (with no distractions) and talk about what is (and isn't) going on in your marriage.  Ask him what he means by you make him a better person.  Find out what he wants in a marriage but be sure that you have an honest list of your own wants and desires.  Don't get defensive or angry and try to use "I" statements. Stay away from "you" statements.  

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 31, 2013 at 2:13 PM


That's a good idea...I think I will work on that. we definitely need to talk. He has good traits and is a very hard worker; we just aren't connecting at all!

Quoting vlynn.iowa:

Can you get someone to watch the kids and get away for a weekend?  It sounds like you both need to sit down (with no distractions) and talk about what is (and isn't) going on in your marriage.  Ask him what he means by you make him a better person.  Find out what he wants in a marriage but be sure that you have an honest list of your own wants and desires.  Don't get defensive or angry and try to use "I" statements. Stay away from "you" statements.  



rebeccasmly
by Silver Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:23 PM

Does he want a divorce? Is he willing to get the ball rolling? As for living like roommates until the kids are grown, bad idea. My best friend growing up, her parents did that and it was very hard on the kids. They all lived together, mom and dad would even sleep together if they weren't seeing other people. It was a weird situation. It bothered my friend very much. I will say though that after the kids left the house, they somehow managed to make their marriage work and are happier now than they ever were.

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