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fed up with biomom

Posted by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:16 AM
  • 12 Replies
I am the stepmother of two very handsome boys. I have been in there lives sense the youngest was 5months old. There "biomom" walked out when the youngest was just 3 months old and the oldest was a lil over a year old. Sense then she has been in and out of there lives, even with that the courts still granted her with 50% custody. I have broke the youngest of bottles and that being hard itself she was still giving him bottles well after he was a year old. I finally got the oldest potty trained after several attempt when he was 2 1/2 and broke him of sippy cups. She still till this day with him being 3 puts him in diapers n pull-ups and gives him sippy cups at all times. I just potty trained the youngest and broke him of sippy cups with the exception of nap time n bed time. She still puts him in diapers and gives him a sippy cup. Everytime my boys come back its like starting all over. I have talked to her countless times and still she has done nothing to help. What should I do!?! Keep doing what I'm doing or is there more that I can do??? Someone please help me!! Frustrated beyond belief..
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:16 AM
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Replies (1-10):
mrs.noska11
by New Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:28 AM
Technically she is the mother of the kids and its hard because your in-between everything and I know its hard cause I'm sure you have good intentions but have you spoken to the father of the kids to see what he thinks? Also you have to always remember that you never wanna have like problems with the biomom because sometimes it'll cause tension between your husband and your kids will ense that. Anyways good luck I hope things get better!
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:32 AM

I guess I don't understand why you are fighting the BM so hard. She is their mother and if she isn't potty training them then all you are doing is putting yourself through all of that work for nothing, and confusing her kids. I agree she should be more proactive in what she's doing with her kids but that's not anything you can change. If anything, their dad should be the one pushing these things because his opinion has some legal weight.  As a step mom you are just creating stress for yourself that has no resolution. I'd say there is nothing you can do unless their dad decided to fight it out with her. Why continue to frustrate yourself over something you have no control over?

aliemom
by New Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:30 AM
Their father agrees 100% with everything I do and has been the one to ask me to work on these things while hes at work. We talk everything over before him or I do anything with the children. She always tells us that she will help work on it with us. There is some tension with her like there is in almost every split parenting situation. She's not working with them for the simple fact that when she is supposed to have them she her family or friends actually has them. Its hard to think of her as the mother when she has hardly been one. So in my situation its very different. If she were to play more of the "mother" role i would be following her lead but sense shes not n no one else is doing anything with them n they will be starting head start next year they need to be potty trained.
Momofmenagerie
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:56 AM
3 moms liked this
The more you talk to her and bring it up, the more she's likely going to do the opposite.

If it were me, ( and it isn't) I'd continue working with them, and leave it to your husband to say anything to her about regression.

crazymomma87
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 12:26 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm in the exact same situation. My SO's son is 3 and has been bounced around everywhere like crazy because his mom I guess just can't get her shit together for some reason. The way she moves around so much and dumps him off because she can't handle him you'd think she's strung out on drugs or something but she's not she's just IMO stupid and lazy. The first time he was brought to our house for about two weeks because her and her husband were once again moving and couldn't handle him while they were moving was fine with me because he is a handful. In thone 2 weeks he was potty trained I can't believe how easy it was. And when he went back with her she texted me to thank me for potty training him. So all the other times we had him for weeks or months at a time because they were moving again or she was on bed rest from her pregnancy or having her baby we would basically have to start all over again not only with potty training but with getting him to eat something besides junk (he won't even eat chicken nuggets or pizza! he's obviously only ever been fed chips,candy,popsicles,etc.) and getting him to be nice (he's VERY aggressive;hits,pushes,snatches toys...he's just really mean!). Anyways when he's here for a little while we have to do this stuff all over again. I was surprised that the only "advice" I got on this site was basically to stay out of it and let the dad handle it which doesn't help me at all. Finally I just decided that uf no one else was going to try then I wasn't going to try anymore either. I have 3 children of my own who are starting to resent the fact that most of my time and attention goes toward this child. So I'm done. When I have him he has a pull-up on and if wants to go potty fine I'll help him and praise him for it but I don't spend my time and energy reminding him to go potty or trying to explain or convince him to do it. It pisses me off when I have to wipe this 3 year old's poopy ass when he's already been potty trained but I just take a deep breath, tell myself it's not worth getting frustrated over and just do it. The only way I ever got him to eat real food was to sit down with him and explain why it's good to eat vegetables and make it fun for him and ask him to just pleeeeaaase try it. Now I don't waste my time with that either. Everyone sits down with the same meal and whoever eats it gets dessert and whoever doesn't can be hungry til the next snack/meal. And when he's being mean I don't waste my time with warnings and time-outs in the designated time-out spot I just make him go into the room by himself until he settles down. Sorry for the long reply I just wanted to let you know I know how you feel and I don't really have good advice but this is what I'm doing and it has helped me a little bit. Good luck!
deadlywhisper
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 12:30 PM
1 mom liked this
She sounds lazy. I had a cousin who didn't potty train her kid until he was 5 only because he was starting school! She was more worried about what her weekend plans were. I had an aunt who didn't bottle break her kids until they were 3 and I remember that her oldest when he was in 2nd grade had to have all his teeth pulled out because they were so decayed!

I say just keep doing what your doing and when the bio mom has them tell the kids that they need to go on the potty and that maybe she gives them sippy cups is because she don't want them to spill. As frustrating as it is there probably is nothing you can do but just reinforce their behavior at home
aliemom
by New Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:05 PM
Crazymomma87, a lot of that sounds so familiar except i dont have kids of my own yet so i spend all my time and effort with these two boys which is fine with me because i love them to death but i guess what im mostly trying to say is i dont understand how a mom could not want the best for their child and try their best and hardest to do whats right and good for their child even if its harder for them.

Deadlywhisper, i hope the potty training dont last that long:/ but she is the same,worrying bout weekend plans. I plan on keeping up with what i am doing.
kerryket
by Gold Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 6:30 PM
It is hard to understand!

Quoting aliemom:

Crazymomma87, a lot of that sounds so familiar except i dont have kids of my own yet so i spend all my time and effort with these two boys which is fine with me because i love them to death but i guess what im mostly trying to say is i dont understand how a mom could not want the best for their child and try their best and hardest to do whats right and good for their child even if its harder for them.



Deadlywhisper, i hope the potty training dont last that long:/ but she is the same,worrying bout weekend plans. I plan on keeping up with what i am doing.
Tdigsoreos
by Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 8:50 PM

I'm with you. I have a stepdaughter that's five. Her bio mom isn't around and doesn't pay support. I dread the time where she might pop up and we might have to share. He has full custody though. I'm so sorry. 

hwt
by New Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 11:07 AM

I feel your pain! My step daughter is suffering because her mother doesn't know how to be a grown up! We found out a week or so ago that she is behind in school, and she is only in kindergarten. She is tiered all the time cause mom doesn't make her go to bed on time and lets her sleep with her! She has a new baby and is getting up in the night so that means she is waking up with her mom and the baby too. Her time is limited in the house and she hasn't even looked for a place to live! She has had multiple people come and go out of the house, and it just isn't safe. Just so frustrating when you feel like a better mother than their own! 
Best of luck to you!  

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