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My SO is controlling :(

Posted by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:51 PM
  • 6 Replies
Let me start by saying the good things. He works Tuesday, Wednesday, and doubles all weekend, goes to school Monday-Friday nights, and watches the kids Monday and Thursday while I work. He hardly ever gets a break. He is also pretty darn sweet and loves to be with me. Ok having said that, I'm not sure how long I will be able to deal with him being needy and controlling. He is always stuck up my ass anytime he can. He goes through my phone. If I go somewhere (with the kids) while he's at work or school he asks who I'm meeting. Umm...I'm not meeting anybody I'm just taking the kids to the park! And if I don't go anywhere he asks me who came over. Are you fucking kidding me? And God forbid I ask for maybe an hour out of the week for just some time to myself he gets butt hurt. If anyone needs a break it's him but he doesn't want it he thinks that any second we have to spend together we should be together. He tries to make himself sound sweet by saying he just wants to be with me as much as possible but with the going through my phone and asking ridiculous questions I know it's really just part of the control issue. Last year I lied to him about my Christmas party at work because I knew he would find a way to try to make me feel bad about going. For our Xmas party at work we only work a half day and then go out to lunch. So I just decided not to tell him about it and he would just think I was at work all day. Well I ended up drinking more than I should have and coming home a little bit later than I should have. I feel bad about what I did and know it was plain stupid and irresponsible and have apologized many times. But I also know and have tried to tell him that the only reason that happened was because I knew if I told him he wouldn't be ok with it. Our little Xmas lunch is only for employees, unfortunately others are not invited. My boss buys everyone lunch and a few drinks and it is what it is. So I asked him if he's not controlling then can I go to the Xmas lunch this year without you getting mad about it and to make himself look better he's like yeah that's fine as long as you just tell me about it instead of lying! Ok so a little later in the conversation he says he doesn't understand why he wouldn't be able to go if he paid for his own stuff and well what if he just shows up what are they gonna do tell him to leave? REALLY?? That is what I call control issues! You can't let your SO do anything without accusing her of doing whatever the fuck you're accusing her of doing whatever(meeting somebody? cheating?) and God forbid if she tries to do something without you , and going through her phone! Ugh I love him so much and I do appreciate everything he does but this is really starting to wear on me. Would I rather him be spending all of his little bit of free time he has off doing stuff without me? No. Would I get upset if he wanted to spend a little bit of the free time he does have doing something without me? No. In fact I encourage it. He deserves a little free time. I don't think it's healthy for people to be stuck up each others' asses like that. So anyways....vent over lol I know everyone is going to suggest counseling and I agree but it will be challenging with our schedules. If it doesn't change soon we're just gonna have to make the time for it. But does anyone know what else I can do. We've had numerous discussions/arguments about it but he really doesn't get it. It turns into him claiming that I just think he's a POS and I don't appreciate all that he does for our family and really I'm the POS for not wanting to spend all of my time with him. And he's just joking when he asks me who I'm meeting or who came over. He's not joking. And although he has been cheated on in the past I have never given him a reason to think I'm cheating on him a(minus the isolated Xmas party incident which doesn't really IMO give him a reason to think I'm cheating and the only reason I even did that was because of his accusations and controlling behavior). Am I over-reacting? My ex-husband was very controlling to the point that eventually I didn't have any friends and was depressed. The difference is he always went out and did what he wanted and cheated on me. But I see the same controlling behavior patterns and I'm worried. So besides trying to sit down and talk to him about it because that doesn't work and counseling, is there something else I can do? Or am I over reacting and/or selfishfor feeling this way?
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:51 PM
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Replies (1-6):
crazymomma87
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 7:34 PM
bump
Saphira1207
by Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 7:51 PM
2 moms liked this

I only skimmed your post because it all runs together and is really hard to read.  Having said that -

if your instincts are on red alert because of his behavior then I suggest you listen to them and do what they tell you to.  Our instincts are always right, even when our hearts tell us otherwise.  In fact, our hearts have a bad habit of overriding our instincts and getting us into more trouble.  Ignore your heart, trust your instincts.  That's my advice.

Bonnie_
by Bronze Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:03 PM

I would tell him... you're fucking  insulting to think I have the morals of an alley cat.  Tell ya what hotshot... come our  next anniversary  let's start a new tradition.  How about   let's forgo any exchange of gifts and instead  put the money  towards  having  annual  lie  detectors done.   There are plenty of  polygraphers  who  will be happy to oblige.   You can  write off a list of questions   and we  will both  be asked them.  Sound fair?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Oct. 10, 2013 at 2:43 PM
2 moms liked this

No, you are not wrong for feeling this way. He is treating you like you have done something wrong by wanting to live your life. My dad used to be like this with my mum, for years and years and when heir kids were finally grown she turned to him one day and said "I have been married to you for 30 years and have never cheated on you, never WANTED to cheat on you, you are the only one who has ever thought about that. You  have controlled where I went and what I did, and given me grief that I didn't deserve because of your insecurities, and this is what is going to happen. Either you deal with your issues and get it under control and learn that I'm not looking to cheat on you and we can stay together, or you do nothing and continue as you have been and I am gone. Gone by myself, not to be with someone else, just gone so as not to be with you. I deserve to be my own person and I deserve a spouse who trusts me. ESPECIALLY when I have given you no reason to distrust me. I am going into therapy, and you need to go into ,and WE need to go into therapy together. Either way, I am so DONE with this BS. I am an honest, loving wife and I deserve to be treated with trust and respect."  And it wasn't long after that they went into counseling and they are still together. He doesn't do that crap anymore and she can do as she likes and doesn't have to come home to the third degree and guilt trips and angry jealous yelling. But basically she just told him that she is going to live her life from now on and it was up to him to decide whether it was with him or without. I was so proud of her for growing a set. :)  Good luck. It doesn't have to be this way forever, you don't have to put up with it.

Liliana2
by Member on Oct. 11, 2013 at 8:51 AM
Is he Arab ? I have the same crap from mine and he is Arab. :( Hugs
crazymomma87
by on Oct. 11, 2013 at 9:09 AM
Nope he's white.


Quoting Liliana2:

Is he Arab ? I have the same crap from mine and he is Arab. :( Hugs

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