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My kids won't talk to me

Posted by on Oct. 12, 2013 at 5:17 PM
  • 13 Replies

My sons are 21 and 23 years old. They live with my second husband, who is their stepdad. He and I had been separated for about five years but lived in the same house for 3 of those years. I had lost my job and was looking for work in my area (MA) for more than a year with no luck. My dad asked me to come down to NC  to house/dog sit. I was there for a month and because I was collecting unemployment, I had to apply to at least 3 jobs a week to continue to get my benefits. I applied to jobs in NC and actually got a job offer. When I got back home, I talked to both of my boys about the job that I was offered and told them that I would not take it if they didn't want me to. They both were happy for me and gave me their "ok", so I accepted the job. A week later, I was on to what I thought was a great new opportunity for me. I moved in with my dad and stepmom. Neither one of my boys wanted to come with me, which was ok and I totally understood. Fast forward...I was in N C for 6 months and ended up meeting a man in FL, who I am currently living with. I have tried to keep in regular contact with both of my boys, but of course they have their own lives and don't have much time for me. My younger son hadn't responded to any of my texts/messages for a long time, then I got a text that broke my heart. He told me that he felt that I abandoned him when i moved away and was having a really hard time with it. This was close to a year after I first moved to NC. I had been able to visit them twice last year, and both still seemed ok with me being away. Now my younger son won't respond to my texts or phone calls. I am heartbroken. My older son hasn't responded to me either, even though I got to see him for a few days this summer when he came to another part of FL with a friend, not to see me though. Things seemed ok with him and I, so I don't know why he won't talk to me now. I am feeling very sad and lonely. I have stopped contacting them and am hoping that some day they will miss me as much as I.miss them and will call. Oh, they both only sent me a quick text on my 50th birthday, not even a phone call. 😞

by on Oct. 12, 2013 at 5:17 PM
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by Member on Oct. 12, 2013 at 6:25 PM

I am trying to figure out why your sons are mad at you. So tell me, did they decide to stay with their step dad and not go with you when  you first moved out of the house. Are they close to their bio dad ?

by on Oct. 12, 2013 at 6:32 PM

His point is valid and it could be in the way that you handled your response to him. If he did not feel validated in his feelings by you then you did more damage in your responses to him than good. Yes, your son was pretty much grown age wise, but at 18 or 19 he wasn't mentally grown and with the fact that you and there dad are not together and their step-dad and you are not together, that is already a lot of loss in their lives that they have had to deal with, they didn't want to give up their whole lives because you decided that you wanted to leave yours behind. Do you deserve to be happy? Yes, but as a mother there are times when you have to really think about the consequences of your happiness- the effects that it has on the people that are supposed to mean the most in your life.

by on Oct. 12, 2013 at 6:36 PM

I am confused.  How long ago did you leave and how old were the boys when you left?  Were they adults then or not? 

by on Oct. 12, 2013 at 8:02 PM
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I'm sorry you are not in a good place with your boys.  I wonder if they are hurt about more than just your moving.

by Member on Oct. 12, 2013 at 9:04 PM

Yes, both boys were adults when I left the state last August. They do not have a good relationship with their bio dad even though they live only about 3 miles from him and his wife. I was totally miserable living in the same house with my second husband, who I was separated from for years, like I said, everyone in the house knew I was unhappy. I am very grateful that he lets the boys stay with him, neither one makes enough money to live on their own at this time. He is a good man, but we were just not meant to be together. I have always said to my boys that even though we don't live close any more, I am still always going to be there for them. I did not leave on bad terms with them and would have turned down the job if they said they didn't want me to go. Simple as that. 

by Member on Oct. 12, 2013 at 9:10 PM

The odd thing is, they used to talk to me for months, then stopped. I don't think their stepdad is saying things to them to make them more upset with me, but maybe he is. I guess I can't discount that possibility.

by Anonymous 1 on Oct. 12, 2013 at 10:02 PM

I think they didn't realize how much they would miss you.  And then, in just one year, already found some man to move in with.  Being older, you should have taken longer time before shacking up.  The LEAST you should have done was have your boys visit, introduce the boys, have a few dinners, get their opinions.

They may feel like you left and started a whole new life without them.  You've already twice. Slow down.

by Member on Oct. 13, 2013 at 12:17 PM

Think about it, you left for a job and when the job didn't work out you didn't come back. Instead you moved on. I bet they do feel abandoned. You ask them to move with you to NC. What about your decision to move to FL? Did you discuss that with them? Did you ask if they wanted to come? 

by Silver Member on Oct. 13, 2013 at 12:59 PM

I'm so sorry. Keep trying! Go for a visit if you can. They aren't very old, they don't know how they are hurting you, they don't have kids of their own do they?

by Anonymous 2 on Oct. 13, 2013 at 6:18 PM

YOu should not have left taking that job up to them. how do you think they would feel if they said no and you were stuck feeling bad all over again. 

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