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I am going to go crazy if my mother lives near me!!!!!!

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 14 Replies

I don't want my mother moving near me. She is clinically depressed and bipolar. She refuses to get help because she doesn't think she has a problem. I don't understand why she can't get her own life together. Me and my dh as well as our two kids just moved 6 hours away to another state. We love our new life here. Living where we used to live was very stressful on both of us and my mother was part of that problem. My mother is very lonely, doesn't work and has no friends. She refuses friends because she has severe trust issues with people. She constantly wanted my attention and wanted to speak on the phone several times a day. She literally would drive past my place every day to spy on me and check for my car. It was a total drain on my emotional state and almost ruined my marriage as it drove me to a lot of anger and anxiety. I am happy that I am far away now but recently mom has mentioned that she wants to move near us. This cannot happen. She is constantly saying that no one loves her and that she is all alone etc. This is not my problem and I am sick of hearing it. If she were to move near us she would be leaning on me a lot and expecting me to be with her on a constant basis. She would also be wanting to join us on every outing or any vacation we might take. I can't do this.  I simply can't be her entertainment director and I shouldn't have to feel guilty for having my own life. I have even been reluctant to give her my new address, as sad as that sounds. I am afraid she will drive to where I am at without telling me, or use it as motivation to look into a place nearby. Every phone conversation with her is either about her divorce(from my stepfather) I don't have a dad, how nobody loves her or what she feels I am doing wrong with my life. I simply can't deal with her and that is a huge reason why we moved. I have tried having conversations with her about this. I can't talk to her. She will either blow me off and change the subject or turn things around on me and make me feel horrible for not wanting her in my everyday life. To top things off my dh does not like her and wants her nowhere near us. To be honest neither do I. Does anyone else have a similar situation? How do I cope? Help!

Posted by Anonymous on Oct. 26, 2013 at 7:30 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Oct. 26, 2013 at 7:35 PM
Yes, my mother was planning to move near us. I convinced her she needs dry weather. She finally agreed. Is there an incentive you can use? Can you just tell her no. It's not going to happen. You will not be ruining my marriage again with your needy ways.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 26, 2013 at 7:37 PM

You would think the fact that we live in a really warm climate would be enough to ward her off but it hasnt been.she hates warm weather and we live in the desert. She keeps saying she is willing to put up with the heat just so she can be near us. It's killing me!!!

Quoting Anonymous:

Yes, my mother was planning to move near us. I convinced her she needs dry weather. She finally agreed. Is there an incentive you can use? Can you just tell her no. It's not going to happen. You will not be ruining my marriage again with your needy ways.



Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Oct. 26, 2013 at 7:44 PM
Quoting Anonymous:

You would think the fact that we live in a really warm climate would be enough to ward her off but it hasnt been.she hates warm weather and we live in the desert. She keeps saying she is willing to put up with the heat just so she can be near us. It's killing me!!!


Quoting Anonymous:Yes, my mother was planning to move near us. I convinced her she needs dry weather. She finally agreed. Is there an incentive you can use? Can you just tell her no. It's not going to happen. You will not be ruining my marriage again with your needy ways.





Lol, my mom said the same thing. "I'll take the snow just so I can be near you guys and get to see you at least once a week", she said this on skype as dh was standing where she couldn't see him pretending to hang himself.

You should just tell her, it's not going to happen.
psych_mom
by on Oct. 26, 2013 at 7:50 PM
Don't give her your address. Have you told her which state you moved to?
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Oct. 27, 2013 at 12:13 PM

Just be blunt, that her living too near you puts a strain on your marriage. You can do that in a kinder way, but if she doesn't get the hint, you have no choice. I moved 1,000s of miles away form my mom, who also had bipolar disorder and made my life a living hell. I did it so my kids didn't have to deal with her. I was miserable growing up and refused to allow her to do that to my kids. I didn't give her my address or phone #. Sounds harsh but, she ended moving near my younger sister and caused her marriage to crumble from the stress.

MeAndTommyLee
by Bronze Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 12:53 PM
Part of bipolar illness is the unability to cope with common stress, crippling fear, paranoia, abandonment. She needs to be hospitalized and started on the correct medicationboundariessically she needs support. Laying down the line by telling her that moving closer to you means mandatory treatment is supporting her. I fully understand your position, but if she was stricken with cancer you would most likely encourage her to be nearer to you. The disease she suffers from is just as destructive. The suicide rate for untreated bipolar individuals is around 40 percent, and life expectancy is far shorter than the average of 75 because their terror of any medical intervention causes them to ignore symptoms of potentially curable diseases.
I know you don't want to hear this or feel as though I am discounting your feelings. I am not. If anything, I've been where you are. Finding a comfortable balance, setting boundaries takes dedication, time, energy and professional help.
Lindalou907
by Silver Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 8:22 PM

Tough love. You tell her when she goes to a doctor and gets help for her condition, and therapy, and she shows you proof that she has prescriptions then you will give her your address and take her calls. There are actually interventionists that can help you. I'm sorry for your troubles.

woodswalker
by Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 10:26 PM

Im sorry, momma.  It sucks having a mentally ill mother.   And Im on your side.   But I have no idea how to keep her from moving near you.   Maybe you can get some counseling for yourself to learn how to deal with your mom.  I know NAMI (National Alliance for Mentally Ill)   has support groups for family members.   You might be able to find one in your area and get some ideas on how to set boundaries with your mom.

ff-princess
by Bronze Member on Oct. 28, 2013 at 9:00 AM
boy are those a whole lot of assumptions and overdramaticizing on your part. terror of any medical intervention? I've never seen that as a symptom in any of the bipolar people I've met, other than not wanting to take their meds. and that's normally not a terror issue, more not liking how the meds make them feel.


Quoting MeAndTommyLee:

Part of bipolar illness is the unability to cope with common stress, crippling fear, paranoia, abandonment. She needs to be hospitalized and started on the correct medicationboundariessically she needs support. Laying down the line by telling her that moving closer to you means mandatory treatment is supporting her. I fully understand your position, but if she was stricken with cancer you would most likely encourage her to be nearer to you. The disease she suffers from is just as destructive. The suicide rate for untreated bipolar individuals is around 40 percent, and life expectancy is far shorter than the average of 75 because their terror of any medical intervention causes them to ignore symptoms of potentially curable diseases.

I know you don't want to hear this or feel as though I am discounting your feelings. I am not. If anything, I've been where you are. Finding a comfortable balance, setting boundaries takes dedication, time, energy and professional help.

MeAndTommyLee
by Bronze Member on Oct. 28, 2013 at 10:58 AM
Hardly assumptions. I have first hand experience with a mentally ill family member for over 20 years now. Between being bipolar, schizophrenic, I have sat in many, many staffings on treatment plans, medication updates. I have cried, nearly pulled my hair out as I took on the responsibility of my teen brother when BOTH of my parents died. When you have some free time, research your facts before you come here accusing me or anyone else of making assumptions. You have no idea what you are talking about. Further, people with your attitude should never deal with the mentally ill. Educate yourself on the subject.


Quoting ff-princess:

boy are those a whole lot of assumptions and overdramaticizing on your part. terror of any medical intervention? I've never seen that as a symptom in any of the bipolar people I've met, other than not wanting to take their meds. and that's normally not a terror issue, more not liking how the meds make them feel.




Quoting MeAndTommyLee:

Part of bipolar illness is the unability to cope with common stress, crippling fear, paranoia, abandonment. She needs to be hospitalized and started on the correct medicationboundariessically she needs support. Laying down the line by telling her that moving closer to you means mandatory treatment is supporting her. I fully understand your position, but if she was stricken with cancer you would most likely encourage her to be nearer to you. The disease she suffers from is just as destructive. The suicide rate for untreated bipolar individuals is around 40 percent, and life expectancy is far shorter than the average of 75 because their terror of any medical intervention causes them to ignore symptoms of potentially curable diseases.


I know you don't want to hear this or feel as though I am discounting your feelings. I am not. If anything, I've been where you are. Finding a comfortable balance, setting boundaries takes dedication, time, energy and professional help.


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