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What would YOU do, if this happened to you???

Posted by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 5:25 AM
  • 13 Replies

  My SO, mildly mentally-handicapped, 46yr old brother- knowing my SO was out of house with his daughter & his parents were out of house too- walked into, by at least 5 full steps, my SO & my bedroom, supposedly to let a kitten in, and WATCHED ME IN THE SHOWER!!!! I'd say it was at least a full minute to 3 he was there before I realized 1) Someone was watching me & 2) It WASN'T my SO!!! I totally freaked & screamed at him "get out & what the hell"!!! But the damage was done- he saw me nude, on purpose for his jollies & I was violated in my own home, my safe spot!

 My SO was told as soon as he got home( it was hard for me to tell him as I Knew it was going to cause a huge "issue"/fight & was reluctant to do so.) & he confronted his brother who admitted it. His brother said it was to let the kitten in but that he saw me and liked it. 

 When his parents got back to our home, where everyone was staying for holidays, they were promptly told by my SO( I was asked to stay out of it & let him handle it, as he Knew it'd go the way it did, sadly!) & his mother went off to point that she BLAMED ME for how I dress! Said "She asked for it- wearing bikinis & those low cut tops this summer! And yoga pants here, during our visit to YOUR house! And she must be lying or over-reacting!"( ps: I model professionally! And did a shoot during the summer!)... But REALLLY?!?! She was one of the first out there for Womens Lib, SO said.. . SO DID stick up for me and tell his mom she was crazy & I was NOT at fault! That it was his brother & his brothers actions. And that he was going to protect me & his dd( & niece & the girls friends) & that "No she isn't lying, I confronted him & he admitted it! And he DOES know right from wrong, he's NOT a dummy Ma!" I heard him say..

  And no, his brother Never apologized- or was made to apologize. Nor was his brother involved in the argument between their mother & my SO( his stepdad wisely chose to sit in great room with a book til this was over that night!HE apologized for his stepson & his wife's actions...go figure!). And his mother never apologized either for anything that was said or done, by her or my SO brother..

  I am a sexual assault survivor and this has been a, fairly, traumatic event for me. It has triggered what my abuser used to do to me & made me feel "unclean/unsafe" in my own home!! I'm having trouble sleeping due to flashbacks to that event and the abuse when. I was younger. My eating is messed up too & and my health has suffered from the stress of it. I feel sooooo guilty. Especially like I shouldn't have said anything...

 Also I am having a problem that his mother now blames ME for "Causing this" & even tho my SO IS 110% behind me on this( to protect Me & his 16yr old dd) he still said that 'by protecting me the relationship with his mother was strained at best. But that he loves me and has always said he will do what he needs to to keep me safe.' He has even gone a step further then talking to his mom and that is telling her his younger brother is Not allowed or welcome at his home anymore. Due to the fact of the shower incident, the inappropriate comments/touching & the fact he between the legs groped me at Disney in FL 2yrs ago( SO had thought it was "just" a butt pinch...but it was a between legs full body grop, shudder).... And also not welcome at the condo he gets in FL every summer by Disney, even for just a day visit. 

 Just looking for advice & support here.... And Anyone else ever had anything like this happen?!?! Please be nice!!!!

by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 5:25 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Sunshine257
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 5:34 AM
1 mom liked this
Well I would be concerned if I had small children. If this is how he is being towards you imagine what he could do to them. Your Mil has overreacted and it is obvious she has acted like this before with issues concerning her son. She was being completely irrational. I think you did the right think to protect you and your children. Yes this will cause a riff and it won't go away anytime soon but all and all you two did the right thing. There is no reason to feel guilty it could be much worse if you had't said anything. I am sorry this has created flash backs from your traumatic experience hopefully you can find a way to cope. Easier said than done. Still I am sorry you are going through this and just be thankful you have a loving husband that stands up for you! That is a jewel to be grateful for.
Jellyfishlion
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 5:38 AM

Thank you! He truly is a wonderful man...his dd( DSD) is 16 & with us every other week. His ds is 18 and in school & my ds is 16( as of January7) but lives with my mom in NY last 5 yrs for several reasons.. 

I knew it'd only get worse- towards me it had. Next escalation could've been an assault....

Sunshine257
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 5:41 AM
It is good your children are older. Just hang in there and don't beat yourself up. You were not the one that did this and you didn't cause this.

Quoting Jellyfishlion:

Thank you! He truly is a wonderful man...his dd( DSD) is 16 & with us every other week. His ds is 18 and in school & my ds is 16( as of January7) but lives with my mom in NY last 5 yrs for several reasons.. 

I knew it'd only get worse- towards me it had. Next escalation could've been an assault....

Jellyfishlion
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 5:46 AM

Ty for your catch on that wording! I couldn't think of anything else to say- sooooo glad you did! Thank you.. And for the advice/thoughts!!!!

Milsmum
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 5:56 AM
1 mom liked this
Wow, i wouldn't even want to speak to my MIL again if that was me. What u wear does not give the rite for someone to invade ur privacy like that, she needs a wake up call. U have NOTHING to feel guilty about, ur not the one at fault. Ur SO done the rite thing without u having to tell him to, it was his choice so don't blame urself for any rift.
That alone was a horrible experience but the fact uv had something happen in the past must make it 100 times worse :-( *hugs* i hope u can begin to get 'back to normal' soon.
2007mommy2be
by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 7:18 AM
1 mom liked this
Sounds like everything panned out how it should have. Thankfully you have a logical man and good for him that he took up for you. I hope you find comfort in that as you try to heal from being triggered. I know it's a tough thing, but you're a survivor and a very strong woman.
Jellyfishlion
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 9:49 AM
Thank all of you for your understanding kindness!

I think had I not been a Survivor it would've been difficult enough. But you are VERY right in saying it made it much worse! It has caused things I thought dealt with long ago to resurface & "slap me in the face", crap! Lol

I grinned & beared it through Christmas and the 3 days after until SO put "Creeper" on a plane( see we- SO, DSD, Creeper & I were supposed to be going to NY for New Years/late Christmas with rest of our families) put Creeper on a plane as I said I couldn't ride 6-10 hours in a car with him & wouldn't be crammed into back seat by DSD who is just mean again( sigh!) or have Creeper ride back with her... And thus the argument went white hot with SO & his mom bc Creeper had had heart surgery this Summer & she said he couldn't fly, but Creeper & SO's SD said he COULD! They left early next am after Creeper was put on the plane.

But I do not think that she will be coming for a visit anytime soon. She WAS talked to 2yrs ago about Creepers behavior while we were on vacation in FL by SO Older Brother. And I can imagine that over the years SO & his brothers have had GFs they have had to handle/deal with Creeper & inform Mom about his behavior.

He is special but he is NOT stupid nor does he Not know right from wrong or acceptable vs not. People make allowances for him and because they have he gets out of/away with things like this! I think HE should have had to apologize( did I mention it was Christmas Eve he did this?!) to me Christmas Day, or before he left at the very least. And MIL has done a tremendous amount of irreparable damage by her comments about me- not her defending him really but HOW she did it.. Does that make sense?

I love my SO VERY much and am glad he Is as level headed as he is( makes for a dang fine trial lawyer!) & that he didn't beat the crap outta Creeper or think I was overreacting/lying. Or that he stood fast & firm against the fury that was his mother... I knew he was special & a keeper the moment we met( after 8 months talking on phone, we were a blind date by a mutual friend) & I knew he loved me because of other actions- just didn't realize how much!

So, again THANK YOU!!
JTE11
by Silver Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 3:43 PM
1 mom liked this

No I haven't had anything like this happen, but I want to say that none of this was your fault. FFS a woman should be able to shower in her own home without a perv peeking at her. Your SO is a great man to stand up to his mother like that, he's a gem. Not all men are their own men enough to do that. You don't have anything to feel sorry or bad about, it was the brother who did the wrong thing. You were just there. You didn't invite him in or egg him on or anything, he just decided to do it because he liked it. And his mother seems to have a blind spot for this man's wrong actions, and has not held him accountable for them and so it is also her fault to some extent. It's absolutely right (and necessary) for him to be banned from your home and the condo, and it's his own fault, and his mother's, nobody else's. Let them be angry, even blame you, but that's just deflecting guilt, don't fall for it for even a second. Just realize this was something this man brought on himself. In all honesty, I probably would have done a lot more than you did if I found a man looking at me like that but banning him is the least that should happen here. Sorry this happened to you, but don't let your past muddle your thinking about who was truly at fault.

aurora.dove
by Bronze Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 3:53 PM

I agree that it wasn't your fault, but if you were in the shower and had guests, why not lock the door? I saw you post yesterday that your DH is a trial attorney, surely you can afford locks for your doors.

You know his brother is mentally handicapp and might not always think to knock, yes your DH did the right think standing up for you, but it's also your responsibility to protect yourself as well. Would you leave your front door unlocked at night for a burglar to intrude? Insurance isn't going to pay for damages and stolen goods for a house that was unprotected.

It was wrong of him to watch you, but the door should have been locked. I'm sorry, but you get undressed somewhere that someone might watch you, they are going to watch. Leave the blinds open while you're changing, yes the mailman is going to take a peek.

2007mommy2be
by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 4:45 PM
Aye.
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