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I love my husband but don't trust him

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 15 Replies
I need to just get this off my chest. There's no one here I can talk to, and I just don't know what to do. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and have a beautiful 1 year old. So I found out about 6 months into our marriage that he lies. A lot. Little stuff, big stuff--it's like he has no concept of responsibility or long term consequences. He lies about parking tickets--goes to movies when we supposed to be at work, he was finishing up school and instead of going to class he would just go to movies or hang out somewhere. He basically wasted 15k in shook loans bc he ended up failing or dropping all his classes. Whenever I found out and confronted him he would cry and beg and say he's so sorry that he doesn't know why he lies but he blocks everything out and just doesn't think.

2 years into our marriage I noticed text messages on our bill. He would be texting girls all day and night--and it wasn't anything sexual or anything but he just loved the attention and feeling good about himself. He would make up stuff like he was a doctor or whatever. I found out and left him for a bit, and he again cried, begged, promised he would change--and I'm a smart person (usually) and I never thought of myself as a weak person. But I really did love him, and it seemed he wanted the marriage too since he was working so hard to keep it in tact


We had a baby a year ago and 2 weeks ago I found a text message on his phone from the girl are optometrist office where he got his glasses from the week before. He got her number and they've been texting-and he made up some story about how he was going I canada to speak at a conference and to wish him luck. He texted this to her in the morning while he was lying in bed with me and as we were playing and cuddling with our baby. This hurt me so much--I can't even explain. I was devasted. We had a baby. I thought we were happy. And here he was again texting other girls. I Chekxes the bill and he was texting another girl for 2 weeks that met online on se website called back door or soemthing. I took his phone away from him n continued texting these girls pretending to be him to see what kind of relationship was going on--and for both it was in the early stages --just random texts of "how was ur day" etc.

I was ready to leave but I didn't know where to go. I went to his parents house for a couple days--cried buckets and told mother in law(who I love) and she's completely supporting me. He's been crying, upset, started therapy bc he says he doesn't know why he does t--he likes attention--and he does it randomly --but he can't survive without us.

I'm back at our apartment but haven't really spoken to him in 3 weeks. He sleeps on the couch. He's been apologizing--being really nice--trying to make it up but I don't know. I really want our marriage to work--he was my best friend, but I don't know if I will ever trust him again :(
Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 5, 2014 at 5:59 PM
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Feb. 5, 2014 at 6:05 PM
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There is always hope. No one can tell you whether you should stay or go. I wouldn't trust him either. All i can say is that to save this relationship it takes two people. He has to put effort to change his ways. You can live him all you want but it won't change him. Only you can decide when enough is enough. A lot of people say you should always stick it out and not give up. Give your marriage a chance. To me you gave him a chance when you accepted the ring. You chose this man to be your partner, he should respect your vows. For better or worse not cheating and lying.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Feb. 5, 2014 at 6:08 PM
1 mom liked this

He needs intense therapy.  He could be a compulsive liar and even narcassistic (since he graves the attention). He should get his love and attention from being a husband and father.  Please don't think this is about you or somethign your are lacking.  This is HIS issue .  He absolutely loves you and your baby, but he is addicted to women, even if it is just for attention.    One thing that I know that has helped another man in this situation was for him to realize that your DD will think he hangs the moon in the sky.  He will be the first man in her life.  He needs to show her how a man should treat a woman, how to be a loving and trusting person as a good example for his daughter.   If he will not or cannot be this person, then I believe you have a very serious decision to make.   Do you want your DD to see you upset, to learn not to trust men??  I don't think so.  One of my dear friends despised her mother because he mother didn't leave her father after her cheated on her.   She took him back every single time, he was charming and sorry, etc... However his girls knew what he was doing, he didn't really hide it.  yes, they were mad at him, but they were just as disappointed in their mother for not loving herself enough to leave and kick him to the curb.

J.M.O.
by Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 6:20 PM
2 moms liked this

You have nothing without trust. What he is doing I'd consider cheating. 

pippi311
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 6:36 PM

you guys need to be in marriage counseling and he needs to be in individual therapy. If he really means it when he says he wants to change, then with help, he will. Trust needs to be earned. But if he doesn't put in the work and show you that he's changing by his actions not his words, then at some point you may have to throw in the towel. That's up to you to decide though. I hope it works out for you.

jacobsmommy84
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 6:40 PM
My first husband was a narcissist.
Craved attention, and My son and I were never enough for him. He got it elsewhere all the time.
He would come home late after taking girls home from work, taking them to lunch during their shifts, chatting with them, etc. but would insist he wasn't sleeping with them.

Whatever.
I only lasted a year. Then 2 years separated.
I was done. He's a complete liar. Has no problem lying to authorities, judges, me, his son.... Anyone.

I hope your husband can get some therapy. At least he knows there's something wrong. My ex wouldn't even acknowledge it.
I'm so so so sorry you're going through this:(
Just watch out for your baby.....
My son is now 8 and his step dad is the most amazing father and role model for him!!! I feel so truly blessed:) :) :)
jacobsmommy84
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 6:41 PM
1 mom liked this
This exactly.
Cheating isn't just sex.

His heart is elsewhere.

Quoting J.M.O.:

You have nothing without trust. What he is doing I'd consider cheating. 

jacobsmommy84
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 6:43 PM
Another thing:
When I finally left my ex and we separated, he said he wanted to change. That he needed us and couldn't live without us.
He then wiped out my accounts, took credit cards out in my name, and has now lived with his mommy for 6 years.

His "need" for us was never emotional.
It was only financial.

Make sure you figure out where his heart truly is.
I know it's hard:( but you'll be better off when you find the truth.
RitaTequila531
by Hush.Breathe.Relax on Feb. 5, 2014 at 6:47 PM
This
And
I understand you feel alone but you Never ever invite family into your personal issues with your significant other. Especially his Mom.


Quoting J.M.O.:

You have nothing without trust. What he is doing I'd consider cheating. 

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Blessed2585
by Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 6:57 PM

I am so sorry that you are in this position. I know it can be difficult to trust again. My husband has been verbally abusive and out of control and gotten physical a couple of times. I keep trying to trust again and move on but I am not ok inside. It is hard. Have you talked to a counselor? It might be a good idea, to talk to someone and get it out who can help you navigate what is going on. I do know that Focus on the Family has free licensed counselors that you can call at 1800-A-Family. I have spoken with one and they are amazing! I know they would love to come along side you in anyway you can.

These decisions aren't easy, I am still struggling with what to do, but the counselor has been great! I hope this helps!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Feb. 5, 2014 at 10:59 PM

thank you all for your support. it really does mean alot. he is honestly a good person--and an amazing father, but i dont know how he can do what he does and still be such a good husband/father. he does admit he has an issue--and is going to start therapy. does anyone else know anyoen that was a compulsive liar and was able to change? my worry is that even though he may want to change, he might never acutally do it. he will have weak moments and give in, and it will just hurt all the more. i dont know what to do. im going to go back home for a month or so, and let him live life without us and realize how his life could end up, but im not sure if it will do any good.  *sigh* 


it really hurts bc the fact that he has been talking to other girls, makes me so self concious about my relatoinship with him. i dont feel loved anymore. he says he loves me, but how can you love someone and hurt them so much? and seek attention elsewhere? i would never ever in a million years do that to someone. and i dont deserve it. i just worry that i will never be secure in our relationship anymore and i dont want to be the psycho wife who controls and monitors his every move--but thats what hes reduced me to. i check our CC, phone bill, his emails etc. this is not me. 

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