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*longish* Help w/ ideas on step kids

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 7 Replies
I am not normally on here, but I am curious to know what others are thinking or if one may have advice.

I've been around my SO's children for 3 years now and still have issues on how to discipline them. Their mother lost her rights and has no say in any of their things. shes not to have contact with them til they're 18. We've had them back in custody for 2 years in august and dad had to fight for them for 2 years before that. So its been a real struggle. Also their bio mom has seen them about 10 times in the last 2 yrs. Usually bdays and holidays.(My so doesn't get this and it gets under my skin cause it hurts these kids more than does good) but anyways...

*Alan* has ADHD and so does *Lynne*, Alan is treated while Lynne is not. Alan also has recently started counseling for issues regarding his mom and other things. Lynne never wants anything to do with her mom unless she buys presents or sees her. Lynne always defys me. Like I ask her to sit still at dinner, shell get up and dance. Tell her to watch a movie and play, shell run around amok. The thing that doesn't help is her dad doesn't redirect her at all and i feel I'm always doing the disciplining.
My problem with Alan is he's always back talking and I'm getting to the point where I want to back hand him for it. Monday he pushed my son down the steps outside and he luckily caught himself, and i told hia dad and his dad got mad that I yelled at Alan and took things away, like tv,etc. It was all over a book, that he didn't give back to my son Andrew. I'm getting just as frustrated with Lynne to, when she doesnt get her way or wants to scream bloody murder when I finally yell at her.

I love them dearly and i love my so, but no matter how many times i tell him how i feel about this he gets defensive, yet when its about my kids, I let him deal with it if needed, because they need to know he's an authoritative figure in the house hold. (idk a better word for it) but I guess my overall question is how do I get Alan, whos 13, to quit with the "you're not my mom attitude" and Lynne, who's 6, to "just listen" to me? Dad doesn't help the situation sometimes. I'm just at my wits end!
Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 20, 2014 at 6:32 PM
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Replies (1-7):
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 20, 2014 at 6:42 PM
I felt explaining about their mom might give a little more help or idea to the info I'd like? Thanks to anyone that answers
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Mar. 20, 2014 at 6:45 PM

This is a recipe for failure. =(

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 20, 2014 at 6:52 PM
With how I react or ...? And that's what I'm afraid of

Quoting Anonymous:

This is a recipe for failure. =(

kailu1835
by Bronze Member on Mar. 20, 2014 at 7:00 PM
1 mom liked this

The only way it is going to work is if dad is on board.  Without him, you're screwed.

A really good book I found worked well for me and unruly kids is "Drawing the Line."  Basically it says draw the line and don't move it.  Insist that the line be kept.  It takes a significant time investment when you're first starting out, but the rewards are worth it.  Combined with the "Parenting with Love and Logic" book, my kids have changed dramatically.

mrslmac
by New Member on Mar. 20, 2014 at 7:13 PM
1 mom liked this
I know exactly how you feel, but we were able to get full custody of my step kids when they were 3 and 5. I was a figure in their lives since they were 3 and 18 months. I honestly wish I could tell you get better. My husband and I have been playing the your mine and ours game for 8 years now. My steps go through phases of me being the evil step mom. I literally don't care anymore. They won't someone to blame for how their lives have turned out. Even though you had absolutely nothing to do with their parents being apart or even how bio mom treated them. Your an easy target to blame. Yes it sucks. It's like blaming the one your with now for all the problems your ex has caused. The kids are doing the same thing they blame you for their misfortune. If your husband doesn't team up with you, your going to lose your mind!!! I've had to sit my husband down and flat out tell him how it's going to be. Either your with me or against me. The kids are better off here and if you want me here you have got to help me. Yes I understand yours have ADHD but that doesn't mean they can't be understanding towards you or your kids. If they realize you are not the enemy it may help. I still have to remind mine I'm not the enemy. As far as punishments don't feel bad for correcting them if you wouldn't let your kid get away with it neither should the steps. They are in your house they need to follow your rules. If your kids see them getting away with stuff with no punishment their going to do the same thing!!!
Sorry this is long but like I said I know exactly where your coming from.
It's a fine line between making sure they feel welcome in your home and making sure your kids know they still exists. It's never going to be easy it will always be a battle. You got to work at it every day. Main thing for you is getting your husband to understand you and back you up.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 20, 2014 at 8:32 PM
His kids go threw that a lot. Unless they want something from me. Then its the i like you game. Alan and lynne have both said they've hated me and i always reply with good because, I don't care anymore. I was with my so when he was fighting for his kids. I drained eveything ive got and then some for him and his children. But when he and i do 'talk' it always ends ian arguement and he tells me to gtfo. Last time i told him if he actually disciplined his kids, then I wouldn't have to all the time. It gets super heated and most days i want to give up. My family thinks I'm wasting my time to... But my love and determination gets in the way. I'm just lost. Tyvm for your response

Quoting mrslmac: I know exactly how you feel, but we were able to get full custody of my step kids when they were 3 and 5. I was a figure in their lives since they were 3 and 18 months. I honestly wish I could tell you get better. My husband and I have been playing the your mine and ours game for 8 years now. My steps go through phases of me being the evil step mom. I literally don't care anymore. They won't someone to blame for how their lives have turned out. Even though you had absolutely nothing to do with their parents being apart or even how bio mom treated them. Your an easy target to blame. Yes it sucks. It's like blaming the one your with now for all the problems your ex has caused. The kids are doing the same thing they blame you for their misfortune. If your husband doesn't team up with you, your going to lose your mind!!! I've had to sit my husband down and flat out tell him how it's going to be. Either your with me or against me. The kids are better off here and if you want me here you have got to help me. Yes I understand yours have ADHD but that doesn't mean they can't be understanding towards you or your kids. If they realize you are not the enemy it may help. I still have to remind mine I'm not the enemy. As far as punishments don't feel bad for correcting them if you wouldn't let your kid get away with it neither should the steps. They are in your house they need to follow your rules. If your kids see them getting away with stuff with no punishment their going to do the same thing!!!
Sorry this is long but like I said I know exactly where your coming from.
It's a fine line between making sure they feel welcome in your home and making sure your kids know they still exists. It's never going to be easy it will always be a battle. You got to work at it every day. Main thing for you is getting your husband to understand you and back you up.
wickedstepjenn
by Member on Mar. 21, 2014 at 8:56 PM
Unfortunately until your SO is on your side nothing will change. Dh and I have full custody ofhis kids. Its taken almost 4 yrs of hell to get them to semi behave. That was because dh wasnt on the same page as me till last yr. As soon as he was on board things started to change. We still have many challenges. My ss almost 13 with adhd (unmedicated till monday) has been out of control for yrs because of bm and her dh abusing them bot but only he remembers.

Youve got to get him to agree with some sort of rules. Adhd kids need routines and stucture. If not they feel out of control and they cant figure out whats ok for one parent but not the other.

I suggest writing a list of rules and punishments and see which ones your SO will agree with anf go from there.

I hope things get better. It takes a extremely thick skinned patient person to raise someone elses children.
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