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BIRTH MOM BEAT DOWN

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 22 Replies
1 mom liked this

**EDIT/Update** First and foremost this is the Venting Booth right? This is where I come to let off some steam about what is making me crazy right? Ok just checking. Second let me clarify a few things that I probably should have stated but didn't in my attempt to stay short. 
1. The ONLY time she's ever heard us say anything negative about BM was 1 time when she got out of bed and came into the living room. In our defense we were stating our disappointment in the fact that once again BM missed her scheduled visit for the 3rd week. She also missed 5 consecutive phone calls. DD used to rage for hours when BM missed visits and calls. She was 3 she should have been finger paintings and laughing. Not screaming "why mommy" for hours. After that DD has only heard us tell her about how loved she is by everyone. She's been told that BM loved her so much she asked us to make DD our princess to make her life better. She's also heard about how proud we are of BM that she was able to make such a difficult decision for DD.


2. I'm not looking for thanks or praise from DD. My concern is like someone stated babies love their moms no matter what. There will be a day where she seeks out BM. I'm afraid that what she finds will hurt her in unimaginable ways. We've expressed concern to BM that her multiple social media accounts are completely unlocked. All of her accounts have pics of her and her new family. They all rave about how in love she is with DD#2 and how DD#2 is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to her. Despite all of the safe guards that we have in place DD will find those one day. I'm afraid that no matter what we tell her she's going to think that there was something wrong with her. We have had in counseling. We champion this child in every way possible but I still worry. If DD one day looks at me and say's I want to be with my real mom then so be it. What I don't want is to have to watch my DD go through the emotional trauma all over again because BM is too selfish to put privacy settings on her social media accounts. She's going to see them and say "so you couldn't feed me but you can take your other kid to all the amusement parks in area and talk about what an amazing mom you are."

3. We have full custody of DD because her BM decided to say "fuck you I am a good mom" to the family court judge. This was after she declined free housing, free job counseling, a free cell phone and food stamps. She missed almost all of her scheduled drug tests, admitted to drug use prior to 4 of her visits, missed 23 scheduled visits and missed 6 of her 9 parenting classes. I know she's an addict and it's shitty. I'm afraid that no matter what we do, our DD will think that she did something to make BM choose alcohol over her.  When DD was taken there were 18 CPS counts on BM. There was garbage and animal waste all over the home. DD was treated in the ED for neglect and abuse. She was 14lbs under weight at 3 years old. You could see every rib and every vertebrae in her back. She hoarded food for 2 years after she came to us. She spoke 12 words and was 18 months delayed due to the neglect she suffered. So yes I'm LIVID that this beautiful perfect angel was subjected to that because her BM couldn't step away from the bottle for 2 min to feed her. I get a little pissed that she was molested at 2 because her BM let her recently paroled "friend" babysit while she went to a party.  But I still tell DD how much BM loves her. I still read her every single birthday card. I still read her the books that she sends and I still tell her how proud I am of BM for being able to pull herself together enough to keep custody of her second child. We teach our DD compassion/kindness and love above all else. But you know what? I still get to be pissed that she suffered. 

Normally I'm not a violent person. There are some days I swear if I could have complete anonymity and 3 minutes in a dark alley with my DD's birth-mom I would feel so much better. I watch my DD struggle. I watch her fight for a normal life. I watch her pay for the decisions made by her idiot of a BM and my heart just breaks. Then I watch her BM act like the victim. I watch her with her new little family that she created. I see all of her ridiculous internet posts knowing that one day when DD is old enough she'll find them. She'll see that the BM who couldn't pull it together enough to feed/clothe/protect her can now take her new kid to Disneyland. She can plan family days with her new kid. She couldn't even stop drinking long enough to pull it together to get custody of DD when she had the chance.  She was given so many opportunities and so many resources. Now that her rights are finally terminated she's decided that she wants to fight for custody. We all know that she can't but for real chick you had 3 years. We had to move and change DD's school. As grateful as I am for the opportunity to raise this absolutely PHENOMENAL child my heart breaks for her. BM lost out on the chance to be a mom to one of the most amazing kids on the planet. I just  hope that everything that we do for DD will be enough to make sure she knows that it wasn't her fault. 

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 3, 2014 at 3:27 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 3, 2014 at 3:35 AM

BUMP!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 3, 2014 at 3:35 AM

BUMP!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 3, 2014 at 3:39 AM

BUMP!

charliesmom777
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 3:40 AM
1 mom liked this

I would feel the same.  She wil be okay with your love. My mom died when I was 3 and my stepmom was cold with me. I turned out okay I think.  Just hug and kiss her care for her and she won't have to wonder what motherly love is like.  

LeKendria
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 4:01 AM
1 mom liked this

That is all you can do....Make sure you do the best you can at raising her. Never talk down about her mother to her. Just love on her.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 3, 2014 at 4:02 AM


I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I think if BM were still a dead beat I'd worry a lot less. While I'm really glad she pulled it together for her second kid, I worry that my DD will think that there was something wrong with her. She's so amazing but she already asks what she did to make "her" go away.
Quoting charliesmom777:

I would feel the same.  She wil be okay with your love. My mom died when I was 3 and my stepmom was cold with me. I turned out okay I think.  Just hug and kiss her care for her and she won't have to wonder what motherly love is like.  


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 3, 2014 at 4:08 AM

Thank you. We do everything we can to make sure she knows how loved she is. We try to never say anything bad about her BM and make every decision about the BM from a place of love. It just gets a little exhausting when BM plays the victim card. Unfortunately she's a relative so there is no real escape from her. I have to keep a virtual eye on her because of her varying degrees of mental stability. If she starts to head down hill again we want to be able to prep to take the second child. We also need to know when to be extra vigilant in public. We don't want any unexpected run ins. 

Quoting LeKendria:

That is all you can do....Make sure you do the best you can at raising her. Never talk down about her mother to her. Just love on her.


LeKendria
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 4:15 AM

 

Quoting Anonymous:

Thank you. We do everything we can to make sure she knows how loved she is. We try to never say anything bad about her BM and make every decision about the BM from a place of love. It just gets a little exhausting when BM plays the victim card. Unfortunately she's a relative so there is no real escape from her. I have to keep a virtual eye on her because of her varying degrees of mental stability. If she starts to head down hill again we want to be able to prep to take the second child. We also need to know when to be extra vigilant in public. We don't want any unexpected run ins. 

Quoting LeKendria:

That is all you can do....Make sure you do the best you can at raising her. Never talk down about her mother to her. Just love on her.

 

If the mom has been doing better why do you look for negative things to happen?? Don't wait for negative things look for the positives and leave it at that.  

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 3, 2014 at 4:21 AM

Trying not to bash her real mom, which rules over you no matter what you did or think.  Trying not to bash her real mom is not good enough.  Do not bash her mom in front of her.  Every child born loves the mom noo matter what they do or no do.  You can not put a date on when somone gets it together, just be glad she did and give her her damn daughter, it is not yours, no matter what you did, spent, went through, whatever.  Sounds like you never should of took the child in the first place.  You want all this credit that you will not get, no more than a kudels for you shout out , and maybe a thank you from the kid, but remember the kid has heard you bash her mom, so you may not get anything from the kid.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 3, 2014 at 4:30 AM

 

 The reason she is looking for the negative is because she is negative.  She was really the wrong person to step in to help.  Sorry for the child, hope her real mom, while she refers to her as birth mom like she dont really matter. She is the childs mother, you are not. Get that in your head and raise you own damn kids.  I know the real mother is sorry she called herslf help her out.  Now she wants credit, pay, whatever, or just the right to bitch.

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