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My mom says its OK for my teen to not respect me

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 16 Replies
This is my first post ever, so I'm sorry if it drags and im not up on the initials. Here is my issue. I have a 17 year old daughter who I had when I was 17. Obviously I make my share of mistakes but did what I could as a single mom. When she was 15 she told me that her dad had been sexually from the age of 5-12. He is now in prison and in all her therapy and a 12 day hospital stay for wanting to kill herself she said she no longer wants me to live with her. At this point we moved into a house along with my mom and step dad. So I was told this would be best for her. So I moved in with my bf who sense has become my husband. (He has 2 sons 8&5 who live with us along with our 9mo son) she had to move in with us in Aug '13 due to my mom getting a divorce. She is so selfish, disrespectful, and causes issues between my hubs and I. Her and my mom are thick as thieves and gang up on me all the time. My mom recently told me, in front of my daughter that I shouldn't expect her to respect me like a mom because I never stood up to her and made her. I just never wanted to argue so yes I admit to being a bit of a doormat for her because its hard being alone with a child, last thing I wanted to do was come home and fight with her. My mom isn't allowed in my house unless my hub is here because she always verbally attacks me even after spending 10 hours in the ER. In the door 5 mins and when he left to get my meds she started yelling at me because my house wasn't clean enough. So from another moms perspective, what should I do?
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 3, 2014 at 10:45 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Purgatorian
by Bronze Member on Apr. 4, 2014 at 12:09 AM
1 mom liked this
You should be talking to and asking your daughters therapist whats best, not here on CM. We are not professionals and your daughters issues OBVIOUSLY require the assistance of those wIth degrees.

I'm guessing she will never trust or respect you after what happened to her while under your roof. Sounds like your mother doesn't either.

She needs a stable home where her needs come first. Not dead last or made to feel like she is a burden.

Teens with no major issues are hard enough to handle at her age. But your child is severely emotionally damaged by a parent and since you never figured it out on your own what her father was doing to her,you are forever going to take a large portion ofc blame in her eyes and your families. Respect you? Ha! You'll be lucky she doesn't hate and resent you for life. Doubt you'll ever get respect.

Sorry but it sounds like you still are making mistakes and have a lot of growing up to do. Your CHILD doesn't need excuses. She needs to be first.

Sounds like noone in her life, you or your mother has done a very good job at that... like ever.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 4, 2014 at 1:04 AM
OK, first her dad and I were not together when this was going on. She never told anyone or hinted at it. She always was a good kid and I never make her feel unwanted or a burden. We are still in therapy because I don't want to continue to fight with her. She picks fights over petty things while I do anything I can for her. She needs a ride, I drive, she has a job, I still give her an allowance. She does put her anger on me cause I'm the closest to her and easiest to hurt. I always put my kids first but I don't think its right that she tries to cause problems because she's mad she can't live with her grandma right now. Her selfishness is she has no consideration for others if it interferes with her plans and if she doesn't get her way. Her therapist has even told her she needs to work on that. Maybe I wasn't clear enough that I want her here I love her but her and my mom are constantly putting me down. Meanwhile I have 3 other kids, a husband and a house to take care of. I'm not perfect and everyone makes mistakes but Ive done everything she wants, still do and yet she still is rude. I moved out of my house I bought because that's what she wanted. Only to have my now exstepdad get it taken by the bank. So she's here, she goes to school is so smart, works, and has friends. She just doesn't want to have to answer to me she'd rather be with my mom who let's her do what she wants without really questioning it.
iamcafemom83
by Bronze Member on Apr. 4, 2014 at 1:52 AM
1 mom liked this
Firstly, time to seoerate her and mom. She can no longer see mom.til you get a handle.on her.
Crack.down hard. Basically, have your daugjter earn back privileges such as hanging with friends and electronics.
Do not allow mom to visit. Sometimes you must cut out the toxic person. She is hindering, not helping you.
If mom confronts you, put her in her place and tell her until she can be your ally, she needs to back off.

nanny1918
by Silver Member on Apr. 4, 2014 at 3:16 PM
Realizing you and your ex husband weren't together while your daughter was molested is a big part of this story.
First you should learn to stuck up for yourself. Why do you allow your mother and daughter to walk all over you ?
Your daughter has learned from your mom to disrespect you. I'd stop that today.
Since you didn't even live in the house when you're daughter was molested, how could it be your fault. So there is no need for the disrespect or hatred. I would make that the next topic of your therapy session.
BrightKisses
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 3:28 PM

I hate to say this, but once your DD turns 18, I would cut her off. I feel that if that's what she really wants and how she feels, she'll be an adult. I would also start laying down the law, especially since she's under your roof now. I would not let your mother in the house until SHE learned to respect you as well. 

Purgatorian
by Bronze Member on Apr. 4, 2014 at 5:43 PM
Ok a lot of info missing from your first post.

Sounds more like normal teen rebellion now.

Put your mom in her place, that being out of your house. Crack down on the daughter.

My 18 year old gets the phone taken away first, then the computer/internet, then friends/outings taken in that order. Though with a good discussion sitting down eye to eye, we usually never get past the phone for a day.

I like to make her go to her room and think about the issue from my point of view. This is usually all out takes for her to agree with me her behavior is out of line.

Be strong, yet firm, and get your mom out of the picture.


Quoting Anonymous: OK, first her dad and I were not together when this was going on. She never told anyone or hinted at it. She always was a good kid and I never make her feel unwanted or a burden. We are still in therapy because I don't want to continue to fight with her. She picks fights over petty things while I do anything I can for her. She needs a ride, I drive, she has a job, I still give her an allowance. She does put her anger on me cause I'm the closest to her and easiest to hurt. I always put my kids first but I don't think its right that she tries to cause problems because she's mad she can't live with her grandma right now. Her selfishness is she has no consideration for others if it interferes with her plans and if she doesn't get her way. Her therapist has even told her she needs to work on that. Maybe I wasn't clear enough that I want her here I love her but her and my mom are constantly putting me down. Meanwhile I have 3 other kids, a husband and a house to take care of. I'm not perfect and everyone makes mistakes but Ive done everything she wants, still do and yet she still is rude. I moved out of my house I bought because that's what she wanted. Only to have my now exstepdad get it taken by the bank. So she's here, she goes to school is so smart, works, and has friends. She just doesn't want to have to answer to me she'd rather be with my mom who let's her do what she wants without really questioning it.
3gr8tKids
by Member on Apr. 4, 2014 at 5:53 PM

that was difficult to follow. i think i get the gist of t. I do think you should have put your personal life on hold. I cannot imagine how I would feel if when i finally told my mother what was had happen to me -she started a new family and a new life. How can you possibly meet her needs with a new husband, a baby and two step kids? I think its very selfish of you,

DisabledVet
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 6:03 PM

Your Mother is wrong.

I often prefer the words instead of the initials especially when some have so many meanings.

Take her back to counseling. It sounds like she needs more.

Some gave all and all gave some. Remember your rights as an American were earned with the blood of others. Don't waste them and please do your duty as a citizen and vote intelligently in every election.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 4, 2014 at 7:13 PM
She still is in therapy. I've tried sticking up for myself and I admit I back down after awhile because I hate fighting. The personal life thing was not planned. I happened to meet my hubs and we were friends for about 6 weeks before I moved in. His place was the only place I had to go when I had to leave. Remember, 3 counselors and a pchycologist told me to leave so she wouldn't have me around to take everything out on me. We were careful because I didn't want more kids but apparently things happen. I always asked her to come over, hangout, go places and even now that she lives here she doesn't want to go. My hubs has been the ONLY person in my life who has ever taken my side or defended me. And up until she was about 14 things were pretty good between us. Now she laughs and tells me I'm not her mom. She has 2 more years of high school but I know she'll be gone before that. And for the record I live my life for everyone else, I've never done what I want without making sure it'll make everyone else happy. If getting married and combining families is selfish then that's the only selfish thing I've ever done. But what was I supposed to do? I had to leave my home, my daughter didn't want me around, so was I supposed to wait until she wanted me around? Because she's here and still doesn't want me around even though I break my back to try and make her happy.
cngmommyof3
by Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 8:14 PM
1 mom liked this
Sit down and talk with her directly. Dont go at her withan iron fist at first... because a lot of teen rebellion stems from feeling misunderstood... tell her you love her and you want to listen to her feelings but the disrespect needs to stop.. show her that you want a relationship with her. (Not that you havent, but just try a different approach) she may have feelings that you wont like to hear but let her know you will listen to her so long as she stays respectful. She has been through a lot... her acting out may just be for attention rather negative or positive. I would try that first before trying to punish her as that will just cause her to rebel further away and run into your mothers arms even more. Just talk with her one on one remain calm and loving and open so long as she does not blantantly disrespect you... i hope that helps... i hope you are able to get a good relationship going with her because rather she realizes it or not after what she has been through with her father she severely needs to be able to lean on her mama! Goodluck!
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