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The Venting Booth The Venting Booth

I might be the crazy one

Posted by on Apr. 21, 2014 at 4:50 AM
  • 42 Replies
Idk if anyone I know is on CM but I'm going to openly share my dilemma. My beautiful 15yr old niece took her life in January. I am devastated, especially because the relationship with my sister is civil at best and the relationship with my nieces suffered. I was also unable to travel to the funeral because I was almost nine months pregnant. Beyond that though, I currently live away from family as does my sister and my mother and uncle are sort of the care providers for my grandmother. Recently before my niece's death my grandmother had knee surgery and before that was diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimer's. She is also on medications for blood pressure and depression I believe. Well, for these reasons my mother and my uncle decided to tell gma that my neice died of her somewhat recently diagnosed seizures. I must include here the seizures were few and identified as stress related but there were a couple rough episodes that were scary. To continue from before, I made it known I did not agree with their decision to cover up the suicide. My mom and uncle reassured me that my sister would be visiting sometime after the funeral and they'll all break the news to gma. Ok, this makes sense to me I understand. Sometime has passed, my sister did come by a neighbouring popular city that in-laws of hers insisted she take a little getaway with her DH and younger daughter so they could reconnect. But there was no family sit down and my gma is still in the dark. So long story longer, I'm on the phone with my gma talking reminiscing and we talk about the beautiful girl we lost and she says to me..those horrible doctors didn't even suggest new treatment for her..I learned about new cases where children with seizures are being treated with marijuana with great results and cures...she goes on to say that she knows it's not legal in our state but that the parents would have done anything for their daughter had they known about a treatment. .. this kills me I didn't know what to do or say I couldn't lie about this. I've told my family they need to tell her the truth I won't lie to her. My uncle says no it's not time this will literally kill her. I don't buy it. My mother has told me to butt out and that I'm making things worse. Everyone she knows is hiding the truth about what happened. Am I crazy?

Thanks for reading. .needed to get this out somewhere. .
by on Apr. 21, 2014 at 4:50 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ff-princess
by Bronze Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 5:12 AM
6 moms liked this

what outcome are you looking to gain by telling her?  I can't see anything positive about telling a grandmother the real cause of death.  I don't agree with your relatives lying to her, but it's already been done.  divulging the secret will do nothing to make anyone feel better but you.  is it worth hurting your grandmother, and destroying her relationship with the ones who tried to smooth things over?

k_dinapoli
by Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 5:27 AM
I think it could be that I'm unhappy with my family's state of affairs, I'd like to go further into this and I'm going to sleep on it. I really like the way you've questioned this. Thank you

Quoting ff-princess:

what outcome are you looking to gain by telling her?  I can't see anything positive about telling a grandmother the real cause of death.  I don't agree with your relatives lying to her, but it's already been done.  divulging the secret will do nothing to make anyone feel better but you.  is it worth hurting your grandmother, and destroying her relationship with the ones who tried to smooth things over?

thefiregoddess
by Bronze Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 5:32 AM
1 mom liked this
I've worked.with.Alzheimer's.patients in all.stages.

What does she have to gain by knowing?

It was a tragedy and technically not your business to tell her.

And stress seizure my ass, there was something wrong and they just brushed it off.
want10more
by on Apr. 21, 2014 at 5:56 AM
1 mom liked this

i can understand your want to tell the truth. but to what end? you are NOT crazy no. you just don't like lying about important family issues. but a suicide in the family? makes all want to look for someone to fault. while a medical mistake? only the hospital was at fault. let her blame THEM. allow her the kindness of remembering, without her having to know that this beautiful woman was hurting. do not let her go thru her last days hurting too! the reason for her death doesn't matter so much now, what REALLY REALLY matters is you having these really touching convos w/ your gma about her LIFE.

want10more
by on Apr. 21, 2014 at 5:58 AM
1 mom liked this

 i can totally understand that. i've got some speedbumps in my family too. but maybe...... to tell her would piss off your mom (which might feel really REALLY good) but hurt your gma. and worse, hurt her heart. which i know you'd not like to do.

Quoting k_dinapoli: I think it could be that I'm unhappy with my family's state of affairs, I'd like to go further into this and I'm going to sleep on it. I really like the way you've questioned this. Thank you
Quoting ff-princess:

what outcome are you looking to gain by telling her?  I can't see anything positive about telling a grandmother the real cause of death.  I don't agree with your relatives lying to her, but it's already been done.  divulging the secret will do nothing to make anyone feel better but you.  is it worth hurting your grandmother, and destroying her relationship with the ones who tried to smooth things over?

 

k_dinapoli
by Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 2:29 PM
To add on this, I want there to be a change in the relationships in the family. The house I grew up in is in shambles and my mother sleeps in a make shift room instead of in her own room because the relationship with her DH is all but over. I know that she suffers from depression and sometimes avoids calls or seeing my gma. When I was younger she told us to say she wasn't home when gma called, we fought often about this. My uncle is an aggressive drunk and argues violently with my gma, she has just decided to seclude herself into her room when she thinks there might be trouble. She is only 77 yrs old and I want her quality of life improved in the end. If it means my relationships end but I keep the facade to help her then I'll just deal with this internally?

Quoting k_dinapoli: I think it could be that I'm unhappy with my family's state of affairs, I'd like to go further into this and I'm going to sleep on it. I really like the way you've questioned this. Thank you

Quoting ff-princess:

what outcome are you looking to gain by telling her?  I can't see anything positive about telling a grandmother the real cause of death.  I don't agree with your relatives lying to her, but it's already been done.  divulging the secret will do nothing to make anyone feel better but you.  is it worth hurting your grandmother, and destroying her relationship with the ones who tried to smooth things over?

k_dinapoli
by Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 2:34 PM
Thank you for your work, I am only barely learning about the disease. I agree it isn't my place to say the truth. And so I won't. The real problem, IMO, is a family line of mental illness and we were too late in identifying it for my neice. I don't much about her diagnosis because I wasn't allowed contact for a time.

Quoting thefiregoddess: I've worked.with.Alzheimer's.patients in all.stages.

What does she have to gain by knowing?

It was a tragedy and technically not your business to tell her.

And stress seizure my ass, there was something wrong and they just brushed it off.
k_dinapoli
by Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 2:43 PM
I like your assessment and I agree that I should continue to share the beautiful moments of her life, it isn't best to diminish that. I hope there is no one to put fault on but in this idea I would like my family to realize there is a problem of mental illness. I just know that my sister and my mother are also in this. Myself included, I have battled my own issues and mental illness, I had suicidal thoughts or desires. I sought help but I should have shared this with my family, now they have no idea who I am and think I'm only trying to cause drama. Honestly, and this is terrible, I am wondering why her death wasn't investigated. This was the second attempt and unfortunately success. The first was an extreme incident that involved the police and mandatory family therapy. But they stopped after joining a church.

Quoting want10more:

i can understand your want to tell the truth. but to what end? you are NOT crazy no. you just don't like lying about important family issues. but a suicide in the family? makes all want to look for someone to fault. while a medical mistake? only the hospital was at fault. let her blame THEM. allow her the kindness of remembering, without her having to know that this beautiful woman was hurting. do not let her go thru her last days hurting too! the reason for her death doesn't matter so much now, what REALLY REALLY matters is you having these really touching convos w/ your gma about her LIFE.

k_dinapoli
by Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 2:51 PM
Thank you for understanding, I don't want hurt them. Unfortunately I practice tough love and this is a family of very sensitive people. I may need to learn how to go about expressing my feelings with extra compassion and concern. The things they're saying to me are horrible now though and I'm just about done trying. At this moment they aren't allowed contact with my family because I believe them to be toxic. This applies only to my mother, uncle, and sister. I have a younger brother and sister that I hope understood where I'm coming from. And my other niece I can only hope makes it because I think I'm not allowed contact.

Quoting want10more:

 i can totally understand that. i've got some speedbumps in my family too. but maybe...... to tell her would piss off your mom (which might feel really REALLY good) but hurt your gma. and worse, hurt her heart. which i know you'd not like to do.


Quoting k_dinapoli: I think it could be that I'm unhappy with my family's state of affairs, I'd like to go further into this and I'm going to sleep on it. I really like the way you've questioned this. Thank you
Quoting ff-princess:

what outcome are you looking to gain by telling her?  I can't see anything positive about telling a grandmother the real cause of death.  I don't agree with your relatives lying to her, but it's already been done.  divulging the secret will do nothing to make anyone feel better but you.  is it worth hurting your grandmother, and destroying her relationship with the ones who tried to smooth things over?


 

mom3513
by New Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 2:15 AM
1 mom liked this
I think you have a good heart . Your family doing that is them not excepting the fact about your neice . Now, your family is makeing your gma tginking doctors did it. If your gma past away would you want her blameing doctors for an accent that wasnt theres? It might hurt her but also it would make closure for everyone. Sorry for your lost.
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