UPDATE.... we saw a therapist
Thanks to everyone for the advice and for the laughs as well. It does make me feel better to know that I didn't marry the only Intimacy Dork on the planet. Since that time, and since the original post - we did have a heart to heart talk about it all and broke through some barriers.
During our therapy session I addressed some things that some of you brought up, and some things I didn't because I already know the answer to your thoughts: Here's a few : I'm not a beard & He's not gay - but thanks for the heads up. How do I know? Because he doesn't strain to have sex with me - all I have to is bend over and kiss him, or rub his leg, or just start to unbuttom my shirt and he's erect. He's most definintely attracted to women.
There's not a problem of how long sex lasts - plenty of time - this problem was really more about his lack of "technique" or lack of 'practice makes perfect" and him just being such a dork about it in the heat of the moment.
(From here out keep in mind that my husband is a quiet/shy introvert kind of person. He does embarass easy, he is inhibited and turns out there are a coulple of reasons why) You could almost call him an "Old world type gentleman" HE does not cuss in front of women, doesn't fart or burp in front of women, takes my hand to help me out of the car, holds my hand ALLLLL the time, opens every door for me, sets my coffee pot for me, lays my medicine out when I'm sick, holds my head to his chest when I'm sad and strokes my hair, kisses me softly to wake me, texts me "I love you" about half dozen times a day when he's gone, etc etc. We cook together, shop together, go fishing together, I dress up like a biker chick and ride on his Harley with him, I read the instructions to him and he carries heavy stuff up stairs, I watch his sports teams, he eats my fried green tomatoes and tells how much he likes my jeans. He's a very very gentle Dawg. But very masculine one as well. He has no problem defending my honor (if he thinks someone has looked at me just a litte too long, or been rude to me when he doesn't think they should be), and heaven forbid if someone hurt me - I'd probably have to bail him out of jail, twice. (that guy they say doesn't exists... I live with him.)
SO when we chatted about this - we got really down to the nitty gritty and I found out something that (yes, in 8 years) he hadn't told me: He likes to ( or used to like to) give oral sex BUT before we met, he was in a relationship with a girl for 2 years who let him go down on her while she was having her period WITHOUT TELLING him she was on the rag (apparently heavily) and then teased him because he had her blood and blood clots all over his face. It mortified him.
I don't know about you, but I have to say, to my knowledge, there's definitely only a small percentage of men who wouldn't be mortified by that. He broke up with her not long after that.
He was with the same girl all through high school (not the period girl) and told me that she was just a "lay there" kind of lover. So neither women ever really taught him a damn thing (yeah, I know - Thanks Ladies!)
I'm his 4th lover in his life time. (God bless that 3rd girl - she missed a helluva gem of a man, but some women want their dawg already trained and aren't willing to train them herself. Her loss, my good fortune)
That night, when it happened: He did come after me IMMEDIATELY and apologized profusely and said to me exactly what some of you said, it was one of those things that just fell out of his face and the second it did, he said that he said to himself "Why the hell did you just say that!?"
Turns out he was as embarassed as I was - maybe more. It WAS me that needed to 'get over it"... and realize that if I didn't - we would NEVER get past it and it COULD ruin our sex life for good... So I've decided to let it go. Laugh about it until I build up a little immunity to it, and just keep plugging forward.
After the therapist, we took some much needed time to heal this. He took 5 days off work and we worked on this issue together. (For those who asked about our communication before this incident - yes, we communicate - I've even had us fill out and exchange sexual questionaires as an icebreaker, the therapist did it again. Yes, I've landscaped and told him, showed him. For those who said he was being selfish (as far as our whole sex life was concerned - he was. He admitted as much - said he'd never been with a woman like me (sexually) and it was a bit intimidating that my skills seemed so much more advanced than his ~ go me, right? Bless his heart - He made me cry the way he talked about watching me during the day, before sex and during sex thinking there was no way he deserved a "woman like my Baby Doll") - and since the sex therapist session we've made MAJOR strides in making sex more about US and less about just one of us. We're gonna be okay. No I'm not leaving. No, I'm not gonna cheat. I waited too long to find a guy like him, I"m not about to give up the whole house because of a broken faucet. LoL
Again - Thank you all for your kindness and the open responses. You helped me put this into a better perspective.
Bit of history. Sex with my husband was good when we met and first marriage, but his skills were not quite expansive. Little foreplay, little to no talking, NO oral sex (at least not for me), etc. He was very inhibited and inexperienced. Fastforward 8 years and the duration is certainly better, foreplay is a little bit better, technique - meh, it's better but not great, still NO oral sex (so I stopped giving it to him - I don't get = he don't get). (8 years with no oral sex for a girl who loves giving and receiving.... that's been very hard, but it's not a dealbreaker.)
We've worked hard (I've worked hard ) on getting him to be less inhibited, more open, more OooLahLah, more focused on my orgasm than how fast he gets to penetrate. So overall, things are better. And I love him, period. I know he loves me, tells me constantly, holds my hand constantly, touches me all the time, tells me I mean the world to him, etc. SO I've no doubt he loves me - but I think I've married the most intimately awkward man alive.
Part of the problem is that for 8 years I've been working in the inhibited building, things that I used to be very open and confident about have become sort of hidden and forgotten (oral sex, manual stimulation from my man, talking openly about fantacies, anal sex, having my vagina seen by a man (for crying out loud - no, he doesn't *look* at my vagina - and that's weird - I know he likes pussy, but I can't figure out why he doesn't like the sight, smell or taste of it). Sex has ALWAYS been a strained, inhibited event, broken up by only a few really good session in 8 years.
Anyhow all of this has somehow culminated in him being less inhibited while I've become more inhibited. If that makes any sense? Well, on his part he has always wanted to see me, participate with me, while I masturbate. (Okay so we work on that). And the other night it happened... almost, and then turned UGLY quick.
I'd been away for 5 days on a business trip and we hadn't had sex for a week before I left. When I came home, we were both in the mood. We'd had sex and he finished before I did (which isn't unusual). So, I seized the moment and reached into the cabinet to get my little aid and began to instruct him on what to do to help me achieve orgasm.
First - he didn't do the 1st thing I asked for which was come closer, touch my breasts & kiss me
Then he started staring me in the face like he was watching me take a shit or something
AND THEN (I'm embarressed to even write this) in his WORST 1995 wannabe gansta-dork voice he yelled
"GIT IT GURL!"
(Go on and laugh - it's possibly the WORST thing I could ever imagine somebody saying to me during sex, in THE WORST voice ever, at the WORST possible moment) It FELT like he was making fun of me and I was completely mortified!
My orgasm went from 'almost there' to "I may never orgasm again" in less than 1/10th of a second.
In record time, I was dressed and practically running from the bedroom. I felt so humiliated I just wanted to hide my face, dig a hole to climb in, run away from home.... make time skip forward until it was nothing more than a horrible memory.
Now I can't get past this. I don't want him touching me, I don't want him kissing me, I don't even want to hear him say "I love you". I was NEVER inhibited before - wtf has happened and how the hell do I get over this. THIS *FEELS* like it might be the final straw in our sex life. For the first time EVER I'm thinking about cheating (I won't) but I wonder sometimes - can I ever enjoy sex again. How can I even trust him as a loving sex-partner now?