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Please settle disagreement with DH and I

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 82 Replies

My nephew is having his 4th birthday this weekend.  My MIL invited us over to BIL and SIL's house for cake in the evening right when dd (10 mos) normally gets her dinner/bath/etc.  Here's the backstory that you will need to help us settle this:

Both DH and I were previously married or had a LT relationship.  My ex and I are in a very difficult, long, drawn out custody fight over the two children from our marriage.  Without going into too much detail, this is one of those "extreme" custody fights.  Im dealing with a man who will, and has, tried everythihng in his power to keep me from my children as a means to punish me for leaving.  My current DH got involved at a very young age with a woman MUCH older than he was.  He had a very troubled youth, she got pregnant, and they had a life that was pretty much self-medicated with marijuana.  They only had one child, who is now an adult teenager, but who has some drug issues himself.  He does not live in the house with DH and I, and my two children currently live with my Ex.  I see them every other weekend, and I will have them for the first part of the day before the birthday party for my nephew.


DH's brother and SIL are also marijuana users and have a teenager in the house that was just caught leaving drug paraphernalia in the kids bathroom.  I have no actual idea if this was for marijuana, or meth; but it could have been either.  


Here is the dilema.  I do not want to go over to their house, with any of my children, even for a childs birthday party.  I have several reasons.  First, it's my PERSONAL belief that parents shouldn't be using illegal substances with children in the house.  It's not my place to correct them, since their kids are basically well cared for; however it's not a situation I want MY kids around.  Even the baby.  My two older children will be back with their father before the party, so "talking" children of mine will not actually be present.  I don't think it's good policy to put a child in an environment that for all I know CPS or the police could come by for whatever reason.  I don't think that would look favorably on me for my custody issues in court, should it become known.  I don't want to start something I will eventually have to stop doing when dd can actually START asking questions about things like the smell, etc.  Im afraid of what she might find on the floor now that she's crawling/cruising.  I have a list that I can keep typing as to WHY I think this is a bad idea.  Will they be smoking in front of the kids?  No.  I can't even imagine that.  But, its like coming home to your house after being on vacation.  You can smell what goes on there, you know?

My husband says dd is too young to know whats going on.  True.  He also said they would not be smoking in front of the kids, Yes, this is probably also true; but we have gone over there and they have come out of their bedroom fresh from smoking in their bathroom.  HE says we can just hold the baby the whole time we're there and not let her down.  Impossible.  Especially during the "witching hour".  Her grumpy, wanna go home time.  

I also understand that he doesn't want to tell his brother that his house is unacceptable, especially since DH's house was pretty much exactly the same not too long ago.  DH says I'm being judgemental.  I say I'm being protective.  Protective of my position bringing my kids back home with me, protective of the environment that my baby is brought up in.  And personally, I don't see why someone's personal choice to smoke pot has to become MY obligation to be around it.  But, if I'm being unreasonable, then I will go to the party, put on a cone hat, and be a good SIL.  

What do you guys thinK?

Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 3, 2014 at 11:33 AM
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Replies (1-10):
3JuJu3
by Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 12:48 PM

That's a tough one.  As the mother, you have a right not to have your kids around that.  I'm a pot smoker, but I can see how this would bother you.  Especially if you already have custody issues and don't want to risk anything.  I would only suggest you find a very diplomatic way of letting everyone know. 

KikiKia
by Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 2:28 PM
8 moms liked this

I there any way you can show up just to be nice but leave earlier and use your fussy kid as an excuse?

I think it would be polite to let your presence known.

Or cut it short and complain that you have diarrhea...noone ever argues with diarrhea...and noone ever wants "proof"

MelanieJK
by Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 5:18 PM

I think you need to make sure that you're not just grasping for a good excuse not to go.     But if the smell is that bad and it truly bothers you,    you should be honest about it.      You should call them up and explain the situation,   not your DH.  

Lucas9933
by Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 5:29 PM
12 moms liked this

I wouldn't take my kids there. Custody is more important than a birthday party. When all said and done kids come first. Call them and explain the situation. It's not easy but you know what's best.

Tiff22Faith
by Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 6:01 PM
1 mom liked this

You are in a custody battle. If your BIL gets in trouble for having weed on him or paraphernalia, it could reflect badly on you if your ex finds out you went over to BIL's house. Yes, he probably wouldn't touch the stuff in front of children but still. Also, that is a terrible time to have to go. I understand because when my son says it is bedtime, it is bedtime, and he doesn't sleep just anywhere easily. He is also VERY difficult to put to sleep. So, I can definitely understand why you feel the way you do. Unless you get BIL to guarantee that he will not touch pot at ALL while you are there, I think it will be tough for you to agree to go.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 3, 2014 at 6:13 PM
Before we had the baby and before I had custody issues with my ex, I had no problems going over there. I don't agree with their choices and I don't participate; but it doesn't affect ME, as an adult. I simply feel its inappropriate for children. And the smell IS that bad. Like a skunk was run over in front of their home bad.

Quoting MelanieJK:

I think you need to make sure that you're not just grasping for a good excuse not to go.     But if the smell is that bad and it truly bothers you,    you should be honest about it.      You should call them up and explain the situation,   not your DH.  

PogoPalOj
by on Jul. 3, 2014 at 6:37 PM
1 mom liked this

I wouldn't take my child over there, just because they were drug users. I hope your husband is in recoveryIf he is he doesn't need to be around it and besides, your baby comes first. 

LadyMe
by New Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 6:58 PM
1 mom liked this
I can understand your reasoning because of the custody battle. If that wasn't going on, I'm sure you wouldn't be so freaked out by it. Try your best to explain that to him. I might just play sick. Lol
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jul. 3, 2014 at 7:01 PM

It does affect you as an adult since it affects your current situation and your children. I would not go to this party with children present or even think about going to a party with custody on the line. If your DH can't understand why past behavior done in the present is unaccepable then why isn't he thinking of doing it for the kids sake? 

coronado25
by Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 7:24 PM
5 moms liked this
Men are stupid when it comes to these things.

smoking ANYTHING around kids while indoors is tacky and gross.

Better to be on the safe side too, what with an ex like yours who sounds as vicious as mine.

Surprised your current husband isn't keen on explaining the situation to his family! An explanation as to the delicacy of the situation you are in should only bring out compassion and understanding!

Buy a gift. Put a sweet message in a card. Make a fun snack and send your current husband alone to the party bearing love and gifts from all of you.

Focus on your kids they need you and you need them!
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