Am I still being petty about my concern? How should I proceed?
Okay, so recently I posted this:
And, I received a lot of replies that said I was being petty and had to just accept my ex's style of parenting, and I'm woman enough to accept that, though like I said in the post, I don't even consider him doing any real parenting... But a new situation arose, so I'd like some input.
My DS has been with him grandmother in another state instead of with my ex because they decided to send him to a camp (it's an academically gifted thing with a concentration in flight and aerospace engineering) - sounds great, right? Well - I won't go into the catch, but he had a good time and whatever, so that was great for him - but I digress...
My DD has been home with her dad and stepmom for nearly a week. She's been calling me on her Dad's phone that he leaves with her when they leave the house - and she's only been calling me when he's not home. Things seem to be going okay except the other night I talked to her and asked her how things were and she said "well this morning was pretty disasterous." I asked her to explain - She told me that her dad took her to the pool but wouldn't get in after he said he would, so she asked her stepmom to talk to him. Her SM went and told him that since he said he would get in, he should. He told SM that he wasn't going to be forced to get in the pool if he didn't want to and SM "cussed" at him. So that made her dad really upset so he slapped SM which embarassed my DD as they were at an apt complex pool, so my DD brushed past him trying to leave and go back to the apt, which made him mad and he accused my DD of "shoving by him" on purpose and slapped her too. So she ran back to the apt and just sat their by herself - my ex and SM came back at some point and were at the store when my DD ended up calling me.
Here's the deal - my ex has already mad-texted me accusing me of telling my DD that he abused me and beat her when she was little (not exactly true - she overheard something she shouldn't have because she was eavsdropping when I was trying to have a kid free conversation and then she dramatized it) and my DD (who had just been hit by my ex) was upset and saying that he never changed and he's still an abuser. She didn't feel like she was being spanked - we haven't spanked her in god knows how long - hell, she's as tall as I am! And I'm not 100% sure my DD is being absolutely truthful - I'd like to think SM wouldn't put up with that kind of stuff, but I know I did at one point in time...
Now, my DD can be manipulative - she doesn't usually just straight up lie, but she does stretch the truth. BUT, my exhusband was abusive to me, though only physically once as I didn't give him a second opportunity. He did spank the kids hard enough when they were little to leave marks (this was brought up in court and it helped me aquire full custody when he was trying for joint, but it didn't prevent visitation.) I am afraid if I say something to her about hitting his wife in front of her, it will be a losing situation for my DD either way - either he will beat her for lying if she made it up, and he will beat her for telling someone if she didn't.
What do you suggest I do?
EDITED to add - and obviously, this heightens my concern about them being in that situation - but in the past, he lies, lies, and denies ever doing anything wrong or harmful. I had him on voice recording during a custody drop off one time telling my kids that "mommy has to go take the weekend to be a whore" and stuff like that - like he did EVERY TIME - and he still denied to the court that he ever called me names or tried to pick fights with me during every interaction. Even if he slapped his wife, I wouldn't even expect him to admit to it...