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Why is stress ok for me but not for him?

Posted by on Jul. 16, 2014 at 4:03 PM
  • 7 Replies
Every thing I do for dh is stressful. I handle all bills, taxes, planning, the entire custody fight for his son and everything related to both kids (our 10.5 month old daughter and his 10 yr old son who I have been raising since he was 4). A promotion has come open at work and it would be an extra $20,000 a year! I have been bugging him to throw his hat in the ring because not only do we NEED that money, but he truly is the best man for the job. I believe he would make wonderfully positive changes in the company and be a beloved and respected boss. He says that it would be a lot of stress. I deal with a tremendous amount of stress due to handling everything I do for him. The custody fight for his son not only cost me over $30,000 and my car, it has also taken years off of my life. Those years fighting such a horrible monster who just wanted to fight us not actually to have the child, were the most horrible and traumatic years of my life. We fought for 3 years only for the BM to not make any attempt to contact him or see him since. Like his BM, SS is bipolar and has other mental problems requiring hospitalization as well as countless hours spent in doctor's offices. I never once complained about any of this stress. If he gets this promotion, I could get a vehicle and won't be stuck in the house all the time. I would like to have another baby in 2016. Not to mention, we could save up to get our own house as we've had to live with my mom due to the financial toll the custody battle and medical bills cost us. It doesn't sound like he is really going to lobby for the job because of the stress. Why is it OK for me to live with the constant stress I do but he can't have a little more stress at work? The stress of being with him caused me to even stop ovulating for a long time. It was a surprise I even got pregnant. I really get so tired of this marriage being a one way street. I am always the only to make any sacrifices. I try every day to make sure he has a wonderful life while he can't even get me a cake on my birthday. My birthday always falls around mother's day and the past 2 years in a row when then should have been big deals because I was pregnant and then had the baby I didn't even get a card. I make every day special for him and his birthday, Christmas, and father's day are always amazing. It really hurts being the one who suffers the most and gets the least.
by on Jul. 16, 2014 at 4:03 PM
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Replies (1-7):
Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Jul. 16, 2014 at 6:04 PM
4 moms liked this

Oh there is so much here, you need a couples counselor. Seriously, and DON'T have another baby with him until this is fixed, and you have a car and your own place to live.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Jul. 17, 2014 at 11:13 AM
1 mom liked this

I know exactly how you feel.

I'm going through the same thing. For like the past 14 years.

I've been through all the thoughts, emotions, trying to be sympathetic to him, trying to understand...at this point, I'm just F'N sick of it. My once insatiable libido has completely nose-dived because I feel so pissed off about it. For me, that's incredible.

I think I've reached a point where, at our age, (he's 49 and I'm 44), he should have long 'gotten with the program'.

I don't care what anybody else says abotu this sounding sexist, or saying how untrue it is for THEM - but for me, and also other family members with their husbands...their ARE things that they change for the better during a marriage. My dh learned to do lots of other things by the time we had our 2nd child. Would've been great if he caught up in when we had our first child, but nonetheless, he caught on. Men seem to be behind us in things like this.

So I've been biding my time, workin' from one angle or another, hoping he'd catch on. Maybe remember my birthday without having to be reminded. He's gotten a smigden better. But there are still LOTS of things that he doesn't get.

What annoys me is, at this point in time, and considering he's relatively intelligent, the things he's not catching onto, he MUST actually be catching on to...and it MUST be just that he's lazy in some way. Not interested in putting in the effort.

He's got excuses galore, and that worked for the first 12 years. But slowly my patience is drying up. And I feel pretty much like you do at this point. I'm sad lately, actually. Because someone whose my friend, wouldn't treat me like this. He's my dh, he's supposed to be a friend, and he used to be. Now I feel like he's just this pain in the butt, hover around me in the room when he's home, who goes his own way while I'm 24/7 and 365/days a year responsible for most  things. Not that he doesn't do anything, he does.

He does a lot. But I do way more. With no moral, emotional support. I hear about his work, and then for what I'm doing here with the kids, there's just a shoulder shrug.

SO you aren't alone if that makes you feel any better. But seriously, I don't know how to help you because I can't help myself.

lancet98
by Member on Jul. 17, 2014 at 11:36 AM
1 mom liked this

I have a suggestion.

Get a divorce.

You're being used.

Quoting Stevie2613: Every thing I do for dh is stressful. I handle all bills, taxes, planning, the entire custody fight for his son and everything related to both kids (our 10.5 month old daughter and his 10 yr old son who I have been raising since he was 4). A promotion has come open at work and it would be an extra $20,000 a year! I have been bugging him to throw his hat in the ring because not only do we NEED that money, but he truly is the best man for the job. I believe he would make wonderfully positive changes in the company and be a beloved and respected boss. He says that it would be a lot of stress. I deal with a tremendous amount of stress due to handling everything I do for him. The custody fight for his son not only cost me over $30,000 and my car, it has also taken years off of my life. Those years fighting such a horrible monster who just wanted to fight us not actually to have the child, were the most horrible and traumatic years of my life. We fought for 3 years only for the BM to not make any attempt to contact him or see him since. Like his BM, SS is bipolar and has other mental problems requiring hospitalization as well as countless hours spent in doctor's offices. I never once complained about any of this stress. If he gets this promotion, I could get a vehicle and won't be stuck in the house all the time. I would like to have another baby in 2016. Not to mention, we could save up to get our own house as we've had to live with my mom due to the financial toll the custody battle and medical bills cost us. It doesn't sound like he is really going to lobby for the job because of the stress. Why is it OK for me to live with the constant stress I do but he can't have a little more stress at work? The stress of being with him caused me to even stop ovulating for a long time. It was a surprise I even got pregnant. I really get so tired of this marriage being a one way street. I am always the only to make any sacrifices. I try every day to make sure he has a wonderful life while he can't even get me a cake on my birthday. My birthday always falls around mother's day and the past 2 years in a row when then should have been big deals because I was pregnant and then had the baby I didn't even get a card. I make every day special for him and his birthday, Christmas, and father's day are always amazing. It really hurts being the one who suffers the most and gets the least.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jul. 18, 2014 at 1:18 PM

I would sit down with him and tell him you cannot do it anymore. He needs to take care of his kid, doctor appts and all. Don't give in. You cannot do it all. My husband was kind of like yours. I did everything. When I told him he was taking over x and x. He was shocked, but he does it. I would have snapped. Now we know what is expected and just do it. Makes for a more relaxed mama! Good luck.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jul. 18, 2014 at 1:27 PM

My mother gave me the most straight forward advice once, when I felt just as you do now.

"If YOU dont make yourself a priority, no one else will either."

And that pretty much goes for how you feel things should be handled.

Keeping that mindset has done me a world of good.  And it has put the rest of my family in a position where they are getting a new perspective.  Not always positive on their part, but they are responding. 

Stop coddling and tell your DH what you need for him.  Be specific, give him deadlines, and if you have to, provide instructions.  Because right now, he is accustomed to how you two have been carrying on for the duration of the marrige.  Your current situation is his normal, he doesn't know that it can be different.  Or that it needs to be for that matter.

If you need your DH to go for the promotion, tell him "Hey dude, unless you go for this promotion at work, we are for a world of hurt.  And the reality is, if you don't get the promotion, you will either need to get a second job, or take on some of the familial responsibility so I can get a job."

virgoj3
by Member on Jul. 18, 2014 at 1:37 PM

It is ok for you to be stressed and not him becuase you take care of everything, so you get all the responsibility.  Change the dynamic.  Or did you marry a child...

xojeany
by New Member on Jul. 18, 2014 at 2:12 PM

How about lower your expectations, ladies? Quit DOING everything without being asked, and let them take the responsibility or suffer the consequences themselves. Quit going above and beyond and expecting everytone else to be that way as well. Maybe that's just not his personality? Maybe if it's not, YOU married the wrong person. Be grateful that he's working to support his family. Focus on the good things he does. I mean you married him for a reason, right? Don't sacrifice yourself if you feel like it's not being given in return.

My SO's ex's use to pressure him to be the provider, and work two jobs, and he never got time with his kids and was depressed and stressed out all the time. He wasn't happy. They cared more about the money, than spending time with HIM and making memories. He and I don't have it all. But we don't need a lot to be happy. We both work, and I get daycare assistance to help pay for daycare while I work. We are just happy to BE together. I could live under a bridge with him and be happy. Why don't you take the time to look for programs that help with daycare assistance so YOU can get a job? That way everything isn't just on his shoulders. Then you can pay for your OWN car and get out of the house at the same time. Have a purpose.

The custody battle may have been trying, but we all go through them. So you are asking your husband to suffer stress long term because you feel you stressed for a couple of years and deserve it without actually working to releive the stress in the household. Be a part of the solution. Not a part of the problem. YOu and your husband are a TEAM. Don't make him the coach and get pissed when he doesn't feel like stretching himself out that far. Be a supportive wife and work to contribute to the household just as much as he does. Otherwise, get over it. We all make sacrifices. Sometimes we don't get " paid back" for them either. My SO was raised by his dad, who never really made a big deal about birthdays or holidays. That's just how he grew up. He doesn't do really big things for birthdays, etc. It's a part of him that I've learned to accept. Most men are this way by nature. Did you fall in love with your husband, or the materialistic things you expect your husband to give you on anniversaries, birthdays, etc?

If you don't like the way a situation is, then YOU change it. Don't depend on anyone else to do it for you. The stress you put yourself through is stress that YOU allow yourself to feel. No one else can control whether YOU feel stressed about a situation or not. You are in control of your emotions. YOU do something about it.  

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