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Dreading writing this email...

Posted by on Sep. 23, 2014 at 7:12 AM
  • 7 Replies

So, I ended up taking my older two children (11 and 13) in to see a counselor.  We live a good 7-8 hours away from their dad (and have for more than 6 years).  When we moved, the visitation plan included larger chunks of time around school breaks and then it also gave him a serious reduction in CS so that he could afford to come and see them.   That was in 2007 (though we actually moved in 2008).

Well, in 2011, we went back to court to change the just wasn't working, specifically the summer time and he never visited them (nor did he use the 16k he didn't pay in CS over that time span to improve his living situation and subsequently his kids' time).  And the judge agreed with nearly everything I requested.

Dealing with my exH is difficult at best.  I'm pretty sure he is a narcissistic sociopath.  Anytime I have communication with him, I'm met with attitude, hostility.  He operates under the attitude that if he agrees to do anything I've suggested, then I've somehow "won" this on-going battle in his head.  It doesn't matter if my kids have asked me to say something.  

I've done so much to foster a relationship between my children and their dad, but as they get older, I'm trying to step back a bit. Problem is, they're at this age where they can see very clearly the kind of man that their dad is.  This past summer (and I've posted about it on here multiple times) - well, it was pretty rough.  My DD always has a bit of a rough time anyway because she's a very 'strong-willed' child and that doesn't jive with his narcissistic personality.  But my DS, who is seriously one of the easiest going, friendly, honest, loves-everyone kids you'll ever meet, well, he's also saying that he just doesn't want to go back for extended periods of time.  

There is always so much drama involved.   So, I took the step of going to family counseling. I want them to be able to work through their issues (I want them to have some semblence of a relationship with their dad so they don't feel like they're missing something) and I need a trained third-party unbiased opinion about how to proceed with visitation.

 We've had three appointments so far, and the counselor feels it is best to, at this point, allow the kids to have a say in their visitation plan.  He also feels that my exH should be told at this point, that our kids are talking to a counselor and that he does have a right to know what they are saying - especially since he is not there to hear it.  

Three times I've tried to compose something.  And I keep failing miserably.  I am trying to write it in the least provocative way I can, but one of the things that he says to the kids (if they say they want to go home) is that I'm just brainwashing them into thinking that. So, I am having trouble wanting to even say anything because it is just going to turn into a shit storm of accusations and drama.   Sigh.  Just venting I guess....putting off the inevitable.  (Sadly, I have a degree in writing - I know how to spin words, and I still am having trouble)

by on Sep. 23, 2014 at 7:12 AM
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by Member on Sep. 23, 2014 at 8:49 AM

Prayers your way. Start with a sloppy copy and jot down key points. Walk away, do something else. Go back, flesh out your points. How would you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! :-)

by Member on Sep. 23, 2014 at 8:57 AM
Don't get emotional, look at it the same way you would a business email. Just blunt, straight to the point.

He will manipulate you and them and it is best to have everything in writing such as email.

The counselor absolutely should not tell either of you everything the kids say. Yes, you need to know the important aspects but the kids should know they can trust this person to vent to cry, or seek advice from.

by Anonymous 1 on Sep. 23, 2014 at 9:08 AM
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Ask the shrink to write it.

by Member on Sep. 23, 2014 at 9:11 AM
Ouch. Terrible situation. Sorry mama. Good luck
by Bronze Member on Sep. 23, 2014 at 2:36 PM
4 moms liked this

I think coming from you it will probably be met with defensiveness.  Would it be possible for the therapist to write it?  At least if it is coming from a 3rd party he cannot deny its legitimacy.  What could he say then?  That you are brainwashing the therapist?

by Member on Sep. 23, 2014 at 3:40 PM

Sorry for your situation. I agree with KikiKia - maybe someone else send it? I edit professionally, and I've dealt with some extremely volatile family situations (and written e-mails for them) - I know you said you're an experienced writer, but you can pm me with a rough draft if you want.

by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 24, 2014 at 11:14 AM
Ultimately the judge has to ok the change in visitation, I would just go through the courts. It's sounds like you will end up there anyway.
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