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Staying Optimistic

Posted by Anonymous
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So, things really suck right now in pretty much all areas of my life, with the exception of my children, thank the Loerd. I know things can always be worse and that I have a lot to be thankful and greatful for.

I just lost my job that I thought would be stable and long lasting. I was lead to believe that only to be let go, and that alone wouldn't be so aweful, except I have been strugling with finding a job and it has put a huge strain on my marriage as well as my feelings. With all the ups and downs of fighting to remain hopeful and optimistic, then looking, then finding something that looks like it could be a go, only to find out it's not the one. Things are so different now, on the job serch front.

I have an education and experience. It just seems like there is a recruiter constently involved in the hiring process now and all of my experiences with them, both through agencies or online, have really sucked ass when all is said and done. It's porteyed one way by them and the client, then you find out there are all kinds of weird little games they both play to either keep you around as long as they like only to let you go when the assignment is over, or to string you along to keep you on their books as a marketable resource even though you would be perfectly happy in one of the other jobs they have available, but just think your over qualified for.

I'm back to looking and unemployed with money worries and pressures always riding my mind and conscience I've been having medical issues that have to be addressed now as well, that have had to wait for years due to the lack of ins. or $$ for the procedures.We are paying for my medical ins out of pocket, and we can't afford it but I have to have it in order to finally get diagnosed and get treatment  and hopefully everything will be OK, but this puts pressure on my marriage as well because not only am I not employed, but now I'm costing the family extra $$ we don't have:( My marriage is in the weird place right now where I'm not feeling to good oe too secure about things and all of this together is stuff I have to deal with alone, which is bringing on these twinges of deep depression that I am fighting off with all my might. My marriage will probably be fine, with some work on both sides. We've been married a long time and lately I have been dealing with knowing I have let my family down over the years and that I have stood in the way to goals. This is a terrible thing to know when you are in a family full of people you love and you didn't realize how much you have been disappointing them. My kids have never said so, but it goes to reason. so I'm always feeling bad about something, which is new to me because I have always been very confident and secure in the past.

I have also gained weight and gotten "soft" (my perspective) because when I had that job I was so sure of I had very little to o time to work out as I normally did and now will do again, so I feel just  out of shape and out of sorts in all aspects of my life.

No one I know really understands, and since I am older now, things feel different as well, even though I look younger than I am, it's of little comfort when I feel all these really important parts of my life just kind of falling apart and the people around me are so busy being on track that they don't understand how I'm feeling worried, sad, lonely and pretty isolated in my misery. I just cry when I'm alone sometimes, knowing I have screwed up in life and feeling frustrated with the lack of success in my efforts,  but then I pretend it's OK when people are around, including my family, because I have to. No one has any understanding and it leaves me feeling very lonely, even in a room full of loved ones? 

I'm not a loser, even though this gripe session/ pity party mihg tmake it sound so. I'm fighting to hang in there and fightmy way back, but it is not very easy right now and I justr wish I'didn't feel so all alone in it. feels good to just get this crap off my chest in some way instaed of just never saying a word,always worrying and always fighting it to get back to where I need to be with people looking on not understanding why I feel challenged at all..... 

Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 23, 2015 at 2:22 PM
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