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How in the hell do I deal with THIS?! Final Edit in Green

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 36 Replies

Okay, This is going to be long, and for that I apologize. I'm also going Anon because I think that bashing may be involved here as well... But here goes.

I have 3 sisters. They're all half sisters 3 of us have the same dad (different moms) and the one that I am the closest with (We'll call her "Sally" as to not put her out here for all to know about)  has a different dad. Obviously my parents are pretty fertile.

Anywho... When I was about 13 years old, Sally tells me of how MY dad (not hers) used to sexually molest her. She didn't go into full detail, just warned me and told me that if he ever touched me to tell her and she'd get me out of there. Needless to say this caused quite a family ripple. I freaked out and wanted nothing to do with my dad after this info but there really wasn't much that I could do because I was only 13 at the time.

So when I sat down with my mother to discuss this issue, she tells me that it wasn't "sexual abuse" that my sister had pretty much used her body to be able to get away with whatever she wanted to do. Example: "Well, if you don't let me go to this party Saturday night, then I'll have to tell Mom about what you do to me." 

Yes, it's some sick, straight out of a Lifetime movie shit... I know.

 However, My dad has never touched me, or made me feel uncomfortable in any way. He did (in a drunken stooper, beat my ass when I was 15 but that's a whole different story all together and nothing sexual)

I don't remember what I was told of my mom finding out about Dad and Sally, and over time it became one of those things that you just don't talk about. After all, he's never touched me, so I believed what I was told even though Sally said that it wasn't true. I figured she was just trying to cover her own ass. Whatever right? That was some fucked up shit that went down WAY before I was even thought of. Had nothing to do with me, so we let it go and moved on.

Now lets fast forward almost 15 years later.

Dh and I were talking and out of the blue he says, "Can I ask you something and you not get mad?" I said sure... He asks why my dad is a sex offender. I told him that it must have had something to do with him and Sally years ago. (He knows the story)

He tells me that someone (he wont tell me who) sent him a text message and asked him what my dads full name was... he told them and asked them why? They said that they saw a mugshot of him from a town we used to live in and the charge was a sexual offender charge. (Way after Sally...) Yet we looked and looked online, but couldn't find anything. I even paid the $22 to "been verified" to look at his background. There ARE charges on there, but it all says "Disposed" and they don't say the type of charge. Just the date and "disposed" ... meaning dropped I guess.

So this got me thinking. I called Sally and asked her just exactly what happened between her and my father.

We had about a 3 hour conversation and what she told me, I was NOT ready for.

Turns out that he molested her from the time she was 11 till she was 15. Things ranging from playing with himself in front of her, to fingering her in the car. Never intercourse though. But sexual molestation none the less. She told my mother, who said she would "Talk" to him. Then my dad must have told my mom some bullshit story and came back to Sally only to say, "I told you not to tell, see? She believes me, you're just a kid" She told me much more, but I'll not even go there because it grosses me out to even think about. Considering it was 3 hours worth... I'm sure you can gather it's A LOT. Here I was thinking that she was much older. So now it seems that my mother may be covering up something as well.

She got away by moving in with our grandparents, then once she was old enough, she moved and never looked back. Here I was thinking that she moved so far away because of school and her job. I never once thought to put two and two together because I thought I knew the story... 

So I get the truth. Finally after 15 years the story COMPLETELY changes. I've yet to confront either of my parents about this because frankly, I don't know how. I have a 9 year old daughter that has been around my dad from the time she was born and he's never (that I know of) touched her in any way. We visit my parents quite often and my daughter has stayed with them overnight numerous occasions. They only live about 5 minutes from us. Well,  I asked my daughter if anyone has ever touched her, or made her feel uncomfortable and she just looked at me like I was crazy. I think she'd tell me if he had. (I hope so at least)

So now... here I sit. Disgusted. Embarrassed. Feeling like a damn idiot. Angry. and Lost. How in the hell do I go about this one? I want to confront them, but at the same time it was in the past... My dad is about to be 70  so he's too old for any of that shit now. Even when my daughter is as old as Sally was when all this started I don't think that he'll even be here anymore... his health is bad. He'll be lucky to make it to Christmas this year. It had nothing to do with me, he's never done anything to me or my daughter..

And before it even starts, No it's not okay and I am NOT making excuses. I'm just torn between do I yank the kids away from them and let him rot alone with my idiot mother who stayed even though her daughter told her what was going on? Or do I let it go since it was way before me, and my daughter has been around her Mamaw and Papaw her entire life? Do I just let him die with this and meet his maker without saying anything? I asked DH what he would do and he says he doesn't know. I'm so angry at both of them! (Mom and dad) and I have no idea how to even bring it up.

"So, hey... you used to finger bang my sister huh? Wtf was that about?"

I know he's just going to deny it. My oblivious mother will as well. They'll say that Sally made it all up and they don't know why... My mother will probably call her and it's going to start a whole new world of shit.  

What would you all do? Obviously my family is FUCKED UP. I just had no idea how bad it really was.

First off, I'd like to inform you all that my daughter has not been around him since we received this information. I've yet to confront them because I'm not ready.. I'd like to have evidence in had and ask him to explain it. That's not looking like it's going to happen though... And here's why...

 We have searched, and searched for a "record" There's nothing. I paid "been verified" their $22 to do a background search but everything that it came back with said "Disposed" Plus there is no description of the charge that was dropped.

I've paid money to have records sent from the town that he used to live in... there's nothing there either. I finally found out who told my DH about the picture and he swears that he was sent a picture but he deleted it by accident when he cleared out his text messages. Yet now... The person who started this thing won't relpy when I've asked him to send the info to me seeing as how I can't find ANYTHING. Wouldn't it be pretty easy to find if he had a record and it was there?

Sally never tried to charge him AND she even let her daughter around the man for 4 years before she finally decided to dip out. Her and my father used to get along. She married her husband now and thats when she dipped out. Just dissapeared.

It's all very strange to say the least. I STILL don't know the entire story and I have no evidence to back up my accusation other than "he said, she said" ...

I'm not exactly sure what's going on here but I'm trying like hell to get to the bottom of it.

So, I finally got the person to send a pic of what he found. It's simply a "Google" search of the name. There is nothing about a sex offender, nothing about a charge, nothing about anything other than "Here's this persons info"

He say's, "Type in Sex Offenders of ___________, ____ (city and state where we live)" ... I did.

Still nothing. Yet when I simply type the mans name (my father) Of course it comes back with his name, age, and relatives... but you can do that with anybody. I can type in my dh (which I did) and his info comes back... I type in my name... and my info comes back.... But it's only saying how to get into contact with the person whom you've typed in. Nothing about being a "sex offender" is even on there.

I'm not saying that Sally is lying... it'd be pretty hard to make that up... but at the same time I find it rather fishy that she would let her daughter have anything to do with the man who molested her for so many years. Or have anything to do with my mother for that matter (which she still does, to this day) She even flew my mom out to visit her a few years back.

This whole thing is just weird and somethings not adding up here.

I'm just not sure what to believe. If he were a sex offender then it shouldn't be so hard to find the info. Plus they live a stones throw from a park. I didn't think that sex offenders could do that. He had a run in with the law a couple years ago and got himself a DUI. The cops know his address and if he were a registered sex offender then wouldn't that cause an issue being so close to a park?

The whole thing is just fishy and I'll never get the real story no matter how deep I try to dig.

Alright, so this is my final edit to this story.

I talked more with Sally and asked her about having her daughter around my parents for so long when she was younger and she told me that it was more or less about having a baby sitter because she knew that he had no interest in "little girls" that it only older kids he liked... That she wasn't the best of mothers to her daughter back then and if she could go back and do it over she'd do it differently...

That was a fucked up answer and I told her that I'd never have let my daughter have anything to do with them... However after talking more with her and my grandmother (who pretty much confirmed everything) I decided to go ahead with the confrontation...

 I confronted my parents on Saturday. Of course the first thing they wanted to do was deny everything and place blame on my sister. Mom sat there and denied having any knowledge of anything and when I told her that Sally told her when she was 11 ... of course she denied that too. She said that Sally never said anything to her until she was 16 before she moved in with our grandparents.

My reply to this was, "I don't care if she told you at 6, 16, or 65 Mom! The point is you did nothing and chose a man over your own daughter!" She had nothing to say to that because she knows what she did!

My dad sat there and told me how Sally used to sit on his lap (naked) while he played with her hair. She was like 11 or 12 when she supposedly did this. I asked him how in the hell is that even close to being NORMAL?!

(Sally said that never happened that she can remember when I asked her about it ... she probably blocked it all out...)

 Why he felt the need to disclose that information with me, I don't know. Mom claims she knew nothing of this as well... Like it's news to her after being with this man for 30+ years.

C'mon now, I'm not an idiot.

 BUT...

I have an 8 year old daughter, who has a step dad. If I were to EVER come home and he had her in his lap, naked, doing anything... We'd have a SERIOUS problem. I told mom AND dad that shit's just not right... that was his step daughter. They both just acted like there was no problem with it what so ever... It was Sally's fault "IF" anything happened.... Due to her "prancing" around in shorts and being "flirtatious" toward my dad...

WTF are you serious right now?!

So that's the excuse?! Mom worked and knew nothing, but if it did happen, Sally should have put some jeans on? So that makes it okay? That she turned him on due to what she wore and he acted upon his desires and my MOTHER STAYED WITH HIM ALL THESE YEARS?!

I went off. I told them that I'll never know the real story and frankly, I don't want to know. It's sickening enough as it is without the dirty details. That it happened and they cant pull the "Well, I don't know" or "I don't remember" card. I call BULLSHIT.

I told my dad that he will never see his granddaughter again because I cant imagine putting her in that situation where mom will just look the other way and claim she knew nothing. What kind of mother would I be if I kept having her around him knowing what I know now?

They both tried the whole, "He'd never touch her" crap... and I said, "I know, I'll make damn sure of that..."

 I also looked that man dead in the eyes and told him that if he ever has and I find out about it. That he better count his days because I will kill him with my own two hands. With no remorse.

So it's over and done with. I've written them off and we aren't going around them anymore. I'm going to be a real mother and protect my child... unlike the failure of a "mother" I have.

A mother who still stands by this man, and turns a blind eye to whatever it is that he's done. Still! Even after all of this coming to the light again! She just sat there. He still lives there (and will) ... They can just have each other. I'm DONE.

So that's that. Thank you to everyone who has helped me with this and given me advice. Hopefully this can all be over with now.

Posted by Anonymous on May. 7, 2015 at 11:46 AM
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Replies (1-10):
reynab27
by Member on May. 7, 2015 at 2:10 PM
1 mom liked this
So hes not her father but fathered you & your other sisters? He molested the one whom he didn't father. Ok... so if your so disgusted why is it even a question to whether or not to keep this pedophile around?

Im coming at you with experience... it happened to me... by my mothers ex husband.
My real father also molested my eldest sister.
My cousin molested his niece.
My grandfather almost tried something on me at 16 i got away, tried it with my mother she still tp this day see, speaks etc with him although knowing his past & the fact that he molested her half sister.
Guess what? There is no question if ands or butts no hesitation to make me think for one second to why I want any of these men around myself or my kids. So why are you asking?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 7, 2015 at 2:41 PM

 

Quoting reynab27: So hes not her father but fathered you & your other sisters? He molested the one whom he didn't father. Ok... so if your so disgusted why is it even a question to whether or not to keep this pedophile around? Im coming at you with experience... it happened to me... by my mothers ex husband. My real father also molested my eldest sister. My cousin molested his niece. My grandfather almost tried something on me at 16 i got away, tried it with my mother she still tp this day see, speaks etc with him although knowing his past & the fact that he molested her half sister. Guess what? There is no question if ands or butts no hesitation to make me think for one second to why I want any of these men around myself or my kids. So why are you asking?

Well, honestly because he'll be dead soon and it's already been 15 years with no problem on my end. All of this happened before me and my children. Like I said, he'll be lucky to make it till Christmas.  

reynab27
by Member on May. 7, 2015 at 2:50 PM
3 moms liked this
Ok so why are you asking? You already have it in your mind why you think its ok, you already know what your going to do.

You know why you ask? You feel guilty. Thats why. You came on here looking for someone to help you see what your doing is ok. You know the answer yet you still ask...your going to do what you want smh.

Quoting Anonymous 1:

 


Quoting reynab27: So hes not her father but fathered you & your other sisters? He molested the one whom he didn't father. Ok... so if your so disgusted why is it even a question to whether or not to keep this pedophile around? Im coming at you with experience... it happened to me... by my mothers ex husband. My real father also molested my eldest sister. My cousin molested his niece. My grandfather almost tried something on me at 16 i got away, tried it with my mother she still tp this day see, speaks etc with him although knowing his past & the fact that he molested her half sister. Guess what? There is no question if ands or butts no hesitation to make me think for one second to why I want any of these men around myself or my kids. So why are you asking?

Well, honestly because he'll be dead soon and it's already been 15 years with no problem on my end. All of this happened before me and my children. Like I said, he'll be lucky to make it till Christmas.  

PinkButterfly66
by Silver Member on May. 7, 2015 at 2:50 PM

I'd be really, really, really pissed and I'd confront BOTH of them and then cut off contact.  They'd NEVER see me or my kids again.

whitleypittman
by on May. 7, 2015 at 2:53 PM
This sounds so similar to my situation with my grandfather. Sick fuck tried to molest me, but when I spoke up, everyone took his side.
Here I sit, 15 years later, and he's in his eighties and working himself to death. DH told me to speak up, but I told him I'll let the fucker take it to his grave. Then he can deal with God.
I say let the man get his judgement when he dies.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 7, 2015 at 3:03 PM

 

Quoting reynab27: Ok so why are you asking? You already have it in your mind why you think its ok, you already know what your going to do. You know why you ask? You feel guilty. Thats why. You came on here looking for someone to help you see what your doing is ok. You know the answer yet you still ask...your going to do what you want smh.
Quoting Anonymous 1:

 

Quoting reynab27: So hes not her father but fathered you & your other sisters? He molested the one whom he didn't father. Ok... so if your so disgusted why is it even a question to whether or not to keep this pedophile around? Im coming at you with experience... it happened to me... by my mothers ex husband. My real father also molested my eldest sister. My cousin molested his niece. My grandfather almost tried something on me at 16 i got away, tried it with my mother she still tp this day see, speaks etc with him although knowing his past & the fact that he molested her half sister. Guess what? There is no question if ands or butts no hesitation to make me think for one second to why I want any of these men around myself or my kids. So why are you asking?

Well, honestly because he'll be dead soon and it's already been 15 years with no problem on my end. All of this happened before me and my children. Like I said, he'll be lucky to make it till Christmas.  

 Why would I feel guilty? I've nothing to feel guilty about seeing as how I didn't do anything wrong. All I've done is be a daughter. It had nothing to do with me... or my daughter... or my son... It was before I was even thought of.

The man is old. Like farting dust old. There's no way he could do anything to anybody now even if he wanted to. 

Cutting ties has crossed my mind. But why cut ties when nothing was done to me? My daughter already knows him. She knows nothing of his past mind you and I plan to keep it that way.  

It's going to make it harder on her if I just all of a sudden say, "Nope... never going to see them again" When all of the bad is behind him. I'll have to explain why and I'm NOT telling a 9 year old that her Papaw is a child molester. It's over and done with. My sister never even tried to charge him with it. Nor did any kind of follow up action come from it. (That I know of.. which is why I'm going to confront them when I figure out how to do it)

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm disgusted by it yes. But there are so many stories floating around that I dont even know what to believe. I wasnt there. I didnt see it. It didnt happen to me. So that puts me in a position of.... well... what do I do now?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on May. 7, 2015 at 3:09 PM
4 moms liked this

I'm not going to attach you, BUT, Please Hear me when I say, Just because he's 70 that does not mean that he would not do that anymore.  Once a pedophile always a pedophile, Most of the one's listed in my Area, ARE IN THERE 60's, 70's!!.  No Joke.  ......I feel you need to be alot more Direct in asking your kid/kids about their grandfather...  You just asked a Vague Question.  Ask them again and be specific about your Dad!  Your mother is one of those SICK Women, that felt like they would rather keep a man, than protect their own child.  Her thinking, is Like where would I be with out your dad.  Your right even if you do confront them, they will deny and both will say they are the victim.  Can you even imagine what your sister went through with no one, not even you to help her.  What was done to her will be burned in her memory for life.  Only you can decide what to do, but ya, if it were me I would want them both to know that, "I Know", and they better not ever touch my kids.  There are probablly more victims out there.  I think you are really putting your kids at risk having them be around your parents.  That needs to STOP Immediately. If anyone from The foster care systm or legal system, finds out, that you knew about this, and still let your kids around him, thats an automatic take your kids away, and you would have charges as well.....  Dr. Phil has told parents this over and over and over on his shows.

reynab27
by Member on May. 7, 2015 at 3:15 PM
1 mom liked this
Smh... reread what i wrote. Im done with this convo if your looking for someone to say hey its ok... not here hun you won't get it. This is why alot of people dont speak up, this is why alot of pedophiles get away with crimes committed. This is why... people just like you & your mother.

Quoting Anonymous 1:

 


Quoting reynab27: Ok so why are you asking? You already have it in your mind why you think its ok, you already know what your going to do. You know why you ask? You feel guilty. Thats why. You came on here looking for someone to help you see what your doing is ok. You know the answer yet you still ask...your going to do what you want smh.
Quoting Anonymous 1:

 


Quoting reynab27: So hes not her father but fathered you & your other sisters? He molested the one whom he didn't father. Ok... so if your so disgusted why is it even a question to whether or not to keep this pedophile around? Im coming at you with experience... it happened to me... by my mothers ex husband. My real father also molested my eldest sister. My cousin molested his niece. My grandfather almost tried something on me at 16 i got away, tried it with my mother she still tp this day see, speaks etc with him although knowing his past & the fact that he molested her half sister. Guess what? There is no question if ands or butts no hesitation to make me think for one second to why I want any of these men around myself or my kids. So why are you asking?

Well, honestly because he'll be dead soon and it's already been 15 years with no problem on my end. All of this happened before me and my children. Like I said, he'll be lucky to make it till Christmas.  


 Why would I feel guilty? I've nothing to feel guilty about seeing as how I didn't do anything wrong. All I've done is be a daughter. It had nothing to do with me... or my daughter... or my son... It was before I was even thought of.


The man is old. Like farting dust old. There's no way he could do anything to anybody now even if he wanted to. 


Cutting ties has crossed my mind. But why cut ties when nothing was done to me? My daughter already knows him. She knows nothing of his past mind you and I plan to keep it that way.  


It's going to make it harder on her if I just all of a sudden say, "Nope... never going to see them again" When all of the bad is behind him. I'll have to explain why and I'm NOT telling a 9 year old that her Papaw is a child molester. It's over and done with. My sister never even tried to charge him with it. Nor did any kind of follow up action come from it. (That I know of.. which is why I'm going to confront them when I figure out how to do it)


I honestly don't know what to do. I'm disgusted by it yes. But there are so many stories floating around that I dont even know what to believe. I wasnt there. I didnt see it. It didnt happen to me. So that puts me in a position of.... well... what do I do now?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 7, 2015 at 3:18 PM

 

Quoting Anonymous 2:

I'm not going to attach you, BUT, Please Hear me when I say, Just because he's 70 that does not mean that he would not do that anymore.  Once a pedophile always a pedophile, Most of the one's listed in my Area, ARE IN THERE 60's, 70's!!.  No Joke.  ......I feel you need to be alot more Direct in asking your kid/kids about their grandfather...  You just asked a Vague Question.  Ask them again and be specific about your Dad!  Your mother is one of those SICK Women, that felt like they would rather keep a man, than protect their own child.  Her thinking, is Like where would I be with out your dad.  Your right even if you do confront them, they will deny and both will say they are the victim.  Can you even imagine what your sister went through with no one, not even you to help her.  What was done to her will be burned in her memory for life.  Only you can decide what to do, but ya, if it were me I would want them both to know that, "I Know", and they better not ever touch my kids.  There are probablly more victims out there.  I think you are really putting your kids at risk having them be around your parents.  That needs to STOP Immediately. If anyone from The foster care systm or legal system, finds out, that you knew about this, and still let your kids around him, thats an automatic take your kids away, and you would have charges as well.....  Dr. Phil has told parents this over and over and over on his shows.

 Wow. I never thought of it that way. It's just such a messed up situation all together! The overnights are for sure going to stop, but how do I stop them without my daughter feeing like she's being punished? She loves going over there and she's done nothing wrong.

This is all just so over whelming. I plan on talking to them today. I'll see them later and I will tell them both that she's not to stay the night over there anymore. IF they want to see her, they'll do so with me around. Then I'll figure out what to tell her later I guess.  

To know my dad now (The man I know) you wouldn't think that he would have ever done anything like that. Hell, you so much as say boob in front of him and he gets all red faced and says, "That's nasty, don't talk like that"

I just don't get it. It's such a shit situation.

My son is only 7 months old and he's never alone with them anyway.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 7, 2015 at 3:21 PM

 

Quoting reynab27: Smh... reread what i wrote. Im done with this convo if your looking for someone to say hey its ok... not here hun you won't get it. This is why alot of people dont speak up, this is why alot of pedophiles get away with crimes committed. This is why... people just like you & your mother.
Quoting Anonymous 1:

 

Quoting reynab27: Ok so why are you asking? You already have it in your mind why you think its ok, you already know what your going to do. You know why you ask? You feel guilty. Thats why. You came on here looking for someone to help you see what your doing is ok. You know the answer yet you still ask...your going to do what you want smh.
Quoting Anonymous 1:

 

Quoting reynab27: So hes not her father but fathered you & your other sisters? He molested the one whom he didn't father. Ok... so if your so disgusted why is it even a question to whether or not to keep this pedophile around? Im coming at you with experience... it happened to me... by my mothers ex husband. My real father also molested my eldest sister. My cousin molested his niece. My grandfather almost tried something on me at 16 i got away, tried it with my mother she still tp this day see, speaks etc with him although knowing his past & the fact that he molested her half sister. Guess what? There is no question if ands or butts no hesitation to make me think for one second to why I want any of these men around myself or my kids. So why are you asking?

Well, honestly because he'll be dead soon and it's already been 15 years with no problem on my end. All of this happened before me and my children. Like I said, he'll be lucky to make it till Christmas.  

 Why would I feel guilty? I've nothing to feel guilty about seeing as how I didn't do anything wrong. All I've done is be a daughter. It had nothing to do with me... or my daughter... or my son... It was before I was even thought of.

The man is old. Like farting dust old. There's no way he could do anything to anybody now even if he wanted to. 

Cutting ties has crossed my mind. But why cut ties when nothing was done to me? My daughter already knows him. She knows nothing of his past mind you and I plan to keep it that way.  

It's going to make it harder on her if I just all of a sudden say, "Nope... never going to see them again" When all of the bad is behind him. I'll have to explain why and I'm NOT telling a 9 year old that her Papaw is a child molester. It's over and done with. My sister never even tried to charge him with it. Nor did any kind of follow up action come from it. (That I know of.. which is why I'm going to confront them when I figure out how to do it)

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm disgusted by it yes. But there are so many stories floating around that I dont even know what to believe. I wasnt there. I didnt see it. It didnt happen to me. So that puts me in a position of.... well... what do I do now?

 People like me huh? When I've done nothing wrong. That's why I went anon because of people like you. I knew someone would bash me soon enough.

I guess you just don't understand.

And no, I'm not looking for a, "Hey.. it's okay.." I'm not asking for pity.

Just advice.

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