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Am I Betraying my Husband?

Posted by on Sep. 25, 2015 at 10:56 PM
  • 38 Replies
Ok, here's the story: my DS is almost 9, my DH has been raising him since he was 3 months old and sees him no different than our other 2 kids. DS bio dad has seen him less than 10 times his entire life, and has only bought him around $150 worth of merchandise during that time. He's never provided, never been there, except when he decides to pop up. Well, bio dad calls today and asks if DS can stay the weekend and I said yes. I feel that DS should know his bio dad, even if it is once a year or so. DH is hurt and feels betrayed by DS for wanting to go, and me for allowing it. Am I betraying him?
by on Sep. 25, 2015 at 10:56 PM
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Replies (1-10):
fullxbusymom
by Bronze Member on Sep. 25, 2015 at 11:32 PM
15 moms liked this

I would never let my child go with ultimately a complete stranger.  I would allow time in my home but I would never allow them to go unsupervised.

DisabledVet
by on Sep. 26, 2015 at 2:46 AM
2 moms liked this

No, but the fact is that his bio dad is simply going to hurt your son again. I wouldn't have let my son go for a weekend with a person he's seen less then 10 times in his life.

Wouldn't it have been better to say no he can't stay for a weekend but I'd be happy to work out a visitation schedule once you've started paying child support for him. It's seems your ex wants only the good times and none of the responsibility. That isn't fair to your husband who has been a Dad in every sense of the word to your child. 

Make the bio dad experience all the responsibilities of being a father before you allow him to take your son for an entire weekend.  How old is your son?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Sep. 26, 2015 at 5:47 AM
2 moms liked this

I don't think you are betraying your DH but can you understand why he's feeling hurt?  He's been a constant in your DS's life since the beginning and dealt with the good, the bad & the ugly.  He's been a true Dad.  Bio-Dad shows up once a year, your DS gets excited and then Bio-Dad drops out again.  If I was in DH's position, I wouldn't be doing the happy dance either.

Also regarding a weekend away, I understand it's your son and your choice on how to handle the situation with Bio-Dad, but I don't think I would have agreed to an overnight weekend.  He's a stranger to your child IMO.  A trip to the movies and dinner would be something I would think would be more appropriate.  Plus your DH may feel better about your DS going for only a few hours vs. a full weekend.

DreamJoyHope_R
by Member on Sep. 26, 2015 at 6:22 AM
1 mom liked this
You aren't betraying your husband. You are just doing him and your son a huge disservice. What kind of parent lets their child spend the day with a total stranger? Does your son even want to spend time with him? How can you trust him? Just because he shares some DNA with your son doesn't mean he's safe. He is also not his father. He is the biological parent, but the dad, the father, is the man who has loved and raised that child.
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surromama
by Member on Sep. 26, 2015 at 6:38 AM
2 moms liked this
I agree with the other mom's. You are sending him for a weekend with a stranger, someone who has basically abandoned him and you know nothing of this man anymore. Did you even discuss it with your dh before agreeing? HD deserved at least that after being the only father in his life for just about all if his life.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 26, 2015 at 6:47 AM
Gotta say I too agree with the other moms. I actually have a similar situation with my oldest ds. I would never let him go with his bio dad for any amount of time but ds is 13 now and didn't even want anything to do with him now. I think you may be opening a can of worms with your ex and hurt your dh in the process. I get it, it's a shitty situation and you're trying to do the right thing and it's hard to know what that is. I never let my son to with his bio because i knew he would flake out again and hurt ds but had he proved he wanted to really be in his life and stable i would've never stopped it. My dh gets livid if my son even spends time with his aunt and cousins from his bio dads side. My dh is his dad he has been there since he was in diapers and even i forget he's not his biological father sometimes. Tough situation and really no one wins except bio dad because he's getting what he wants without putting in the real work.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Sep. 26, 2015 at 7:42 AM

I think you are being unfair to your husband.  Since he has acted as his father basically his whole life, he deserved to be involved in the decision and express his opinions.  And I would worry about my child with a man who is now basically a stranger.  

eyes4ears
by Member on Sep. 26, 2015 at 7:49 AM
I'd started with a couple hours and built from there.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Sep. 26, 2015 at 7:54 AM
I don't think it's betrayal, but I think allowing so much time with someone he hardly knows is unwise and because your dh has pretty well raised him, it's disrespectful not to discuss this with him.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Sep. 26, 2015 at 8:02 AM
2 moms liked this
There's no way I would allow this, the bio father is a complete stranger. Not only that, he's also proven himself irresponsible. I would allow a meeting in a public place, nothing else. I can see why your husband is hurt, he's the dad.
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