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Boyfriend's adult daughter had mental breakdown on our vacation

Posted by on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:16 PM
  • 36 Replies

So.....my boyfriend's daughter is 19 and she lives with her mother.  She does things with us from time to time and there haven't been any real issues to speak of until our vacation.  We went on a week long vacation with her and her brother and his fiance'.  She was very moody and huffy puffy at times and would go through periods of not verbally speaking to anyone, she would just breath or sigh heavy or shrug her shoulders or nod her head to answer a question.  This went out throughout the cruise but in mild form and didn't last that long.  Well on the 4th day of the cruise we were on a shore excursion at a resort and one minute she was happy go lucky and then we went into restaurant to eat and she had a breakdown!  Started crying and sobbing saying nobody liked her or wanted her there and she just wanted to be with her mommy that loves her and shows her attention.  Well before she verbalized this to her dad she was holding her hands over her face and loudly sobbing.  At first I thought she was in pain or something like an appendicitis attack....well i look over and her brother and his fiance just walk by like it was nothing so i follow them and ask them what was up and they proceeded to tell me that she does this EVERY trip, vacation or family gathering.  That she is just whining for attention and if one small thing doesn't go her way she throws fits like this and they were choosing to ignore it and not play into her games this time.  I would have appreciated some heads up on this but now that I had some history information I could at least have an idea of what was going on.  The brother and his fiance also told me that the night before she had flipped out on them becuase they weren't going to the comedy show after dinner.  They said she was throwing things around the cabin and told them to F-off.  Of course my boyfriend, her dad, is or was oblivious to her behavior so the brother's fiance (whom is really good friends with the daugther) filled my boyfriend in on some details of the behavior and the game playing she does with him so my boyfriend started seeing things in a different light, thank goodness but my BIG question is what the heck is wrong with her and how can someone suggest that she needs mental help and possibly medication!  My boyfriend and I have discussed this in detail and he is very open with me about it because her behavior was down right embarassing!  I told him I didn't want her to be around if she was going to act like that, it ruined the last 3 days of our cruise.  She ramained in a pissy mood and demanded everyone do what SHE wanted or basically her mood would worsen.  He understood my response and agreed with me.  However, I feel like if her behavior is not addressed and is simply "allowed" that it will continue.  Apparently her mother is the same way so that is where she gets it from but the cycle needs to be broken some way, some how.... My boyfriend is very anxious for all of our children (all adult children) to get together and do things but I am afraid that will be worse becuase my children speak their mind and if they were to witness what I did they would absolutely have something to say about it and I am sure that would spark a WAR!  I know this is a long story but felt I needed to include these things to get somewhat of a full picture.  So back to the question of am I wrong for refusing to be around her because of the possibility of this happening again or should we let it happen and speak to her about it or should I just stay out of it?  I don't want to cause problems because my boyfriend has to buy her something or bring her out to eat for her to even spend time with him and i can tell that breaks his heart but he will take what he can get..... SHould this be addressed with her before the next gathering?  Should my boyfriend refuse to allow her to come on another cruise with us because of the way she acts/acted?  There were a few times where he asked me if she hurt my feelings becuase the daughter kept mouthing things and I just told him to let it go because I didn't want her causing a scene...... Anyway, any suggestions? tips?  Medication advice?? LOL

by on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
KimmyShaw
by on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:51 PM

Her behavior needs to be addressed for sure but she just sounds like an immaturegirl who felt like the "third wheel".  It was 2 couples and her, she was probably miserable. Personally, I would see if she had a friend she could take with her next time.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Oct. 8, 2015 at 12:57 PM
Stop jumping to medication, dear gawd why do people think medication fixes everything!

She needs a therapist first, one that she meshes with and doesn't want to just throw pills at her bc pills only mask the real problem, hence why my counselor and I do more work with oils, herbs and other things.

She can only get help if she wants it, her parents need to gently approach her NOT you in anyway! ! But if she won't go she can't be forced. She needed help as a child, she is now an adult, BOTH mom and dad failed her.

Also, teach your kids to keep their mouths shut,they don't always need to open them.
YoungMama93
by Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 1:04 PM
2 moms liked this

I don't think this is a medication issue, it sounds like she's just a spoiled little brat that didn't get enough spankings as a kid. I wouldn't continue to take her out if this is a regular thing. And yes, you should sit her down and let her know that this type behavior is NOT going to be accepted. My BIL has a b*tch for a gf and they have a kid together. She had a freak out and literally stormed out of the house when we were at their place one night. Made it super awkward, but we'd seen her do worse. Point being, she's now in thereapy for anger management and a couple other things. She was a spoiled brat too. I'd suggest anger management and couples counciling with her bf.

TriggerQueen
by New Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 1:14 PM

She may have an actual problem that needs to be dealt with. I would suggest gently trying to get her to a shrink. That doesn't mean she needs meds, in the long run they usually make things worse, but she might be able to learn how to control her actions and moods a little better.

needsoundadvice
by Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 1:17 PM


Quoting KimmyShaw:

Her behavior needs to be addressed for sure but she just sounds like an immaturegirl who felt like the "third wheel".  It was 2 couples and her, she was probably miserable. Personally, I would see if she had a friend she could take with her next time.

needsoundadvice
by Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 1:19 PM


Quoting needsoundadvice:


Quoting KimmyShaw:

Her behavior needs to be addressed for sure but she just sounds like an immaturegirl who felt like the "third wheel".  It was 2 couples and her, she was probably miserable. Personally, I would see if she had a friend she could take with her next time.

I agree, I think a friend next time may help buffer her mood swings.  However, she does this during family gatherings/holidays too.  At least then we will be surrounded by more people and maybe it will not be so dramatic.... thanks for your reply

needsoundadvice
by Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 1:23 PM


Quoting Anonymous 1: Stop jumping to medication, dear gawd why do people think medication fixes everything! She needs a therapist first, one that she meshes with and doesn't want to just throw pills at her bc pills only mask the real problem, hence why my counselor and I do more work with oils, herbs and other things. She can only get help if she wants it, her parents need to gently approach her NOT you in anyway! ! But if she won't go she can't be forced. She needed help as a child, she is now an adult, BOTH mom and dad failed her. Also, teach your kids to keep their mouths shut,they don't always need to open them.

Thanks for the reply...However the medication comment was somewhat a joke for medication for me!  And I agree it does need to be gently approached with her parents.  I want nothing to do with it.  My children are learning to bite their tongue as they get older, thank goodness....

I pray that she comes to realize she has a problem and will want help.  She can never have more than one friend at a time because of this and has never had a boyfriend.  My heart hurts for her.  

WickedOpal
by Bronze Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 1:27 PM
2 moms liked this

She's an adult now.  There really isn't anything you can do, other than limit the interactions you have with her, when her behavior is like that.  I would make it clear to him and to her, that if she cannot behave and be polite, I will not remain in her company.  Even on a cruise or vacation.  I would just walk away.  She's clearly doing it for attention and like a toddler, if you ignore their tantrums, they will eventually stop throwing them, but if you give into them all the time, they will continue and potentially get worse.  I would stand my ground on this one.  

If you think that your SO doesn't see how damaging it is to give in to her demands, then perhaps you could suggest couples counseling for yourselves.  Often, having an outsider's input into a situation brings new light to it.  He may not even realize his expectations of her, of you, of his DS and his GF, of your kids, is too high.  No one should have to deal with an adult throwing a tantrum, nor should it be expected of anyone.  Also, why in the world should everyone on a vacation have to give in to her demands in order to not be embarassed by her tantrums?  I would just walk away and pretend like I don't even know her.  What complete nonsense!

BHLF4
by Bronze Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 1:31 PM

 How did your BF, her father, not already know about this?  That doesn't make any sense at all.  The easiest way to avoid this in the future is to not vecation with her for extended periods of time.  She is 19 so noone can force her to seek counseling, although it could be suggested in a family meeting with her brother and father bringing it up. 

needsoundadvice
by Member on Oct. 8, 2015 at 1:35 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting WickedOpal:

She's an adult now.  There really isn't anything you can do, other than limit the interactions you have with her, when her behavior is like that.  I would make it clear to him and to her, that if she cannot behave and be polite, I will not remain in her company.  Even on a cruise or vacation.  I would just walk away.  She's clearly doing it for attention and like a toddler, if you ignore their tantrums, they will eventually stop throwing them, but if you give into them all the time, they will continue and potentially get worse.  I would stand my ground on this one.  

If you think that your SO doesn't see how damaging it is to give in to her demands, then perhaps you could suggest couples counseling for yourselves.  Often, having an outsider's input into a situation brings new light to it.  He may not even realize his expectations of her, of you, of his DS and his GF, of your kids, is too high.  No one should have to deal with an adult throwing a tantrum, nor should it be expected of anyone.  Also, why in the world should everyone on a vacation have to give in to her demands in order to not be embarassed by her tantrums?  I would just walk away and pretend like I don't even know her.  What complete nonsense!

I agree and so does my boyfriend.  I know it is hard to watch is baby girl "hurting" but is it really hurting if she is playing a game and trying to munipulate him, I don't think so....  Anyway thanks for the reply.  I am going to stand my ground on this one.  Life is too short to be miserable or to let someone steal your joy!

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