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he's manipulating everyone *edit*

Posted by on Mar. 13, 2016 at 10:15 PM
  • 18 Replies

except me. because I'm not buying into his BS

Noah (13) does everything he can to get out of doing any kind of work. My husband Rob and I have basically opposite schedules because he is a nurse and I am a teacher. Today we had a rare day of together and I got to witness Noah in all his manipulative glory. Basically, he just acts like he doesn't understand what he is supposed to do or he can't do it, etc. Rob is such a control freak he gives up super early and just does it for Noah. Today Noah was supposed to pick up a glass that broke in the kitchen. He picked up the big pieces and then told Rob "How do I get up the little bits?" and Rob explained to use a wet paper towel. After a few minutes he told Rob it wasn't working. He did this 2 more times and finally Rob sighed, got up, and did it for him. I talked to Rob about it and he admited he is sure that Noah is more capable than he acts, but Rob is a control freak and he finds it easier to just do it instead of fight it. We had to agree on fighting it because it's better in the long run. 

This is how Noah is at school too. Last year they decided he needed special ed. because he wasn't doing his homework - said he couldn't do it - wasn't getting good grades. He just doesn't do anything at school.....Well I have found that he is actually incredibly capable and just lazy. He understands the theory of relativity and can explain it better than I can....... He just doesn't want to put any effort into anything. 


*He is in therapy, and this is something that has come up in therapy recently. We are working on his behavior as a family...He has many behavioral issues which I attribute to past trauma, so I assume it can be overcome with work*

by on Mar. 13, 2016 at 10:15 PM
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Replies (1-10):
bonitalilmama
by Member on Mar. 13, 2016 at 10:47 PM
1 mom liked this
Rob doesn't sound like a control freak with just doing it. He sounds like a push over. If Noah continues to go through life like that, it will never be and advantage for him. Nobody has time for people who can't do shit in the "real world". He will never get a job or etc. give him tough love. Treat him like a kid even when he wants to do big boy things. Kill him with kindness
jws120567
by Bronze Member on Mar. 13, 2016 at 11:05 PM
1 mom liked this

Sounds like he could benefit from military camp this summer, to help him learn to be more responsible, and some pride in accomplishment.

twinsnteen1988
by Member on Mar. 14, 2016 at 12:18 AM

There is a camp near us that is a day camp for kids who've been through trauma. He went last year and he'll go again this year.

Quoting jws120567:

Sounds like he could benefit from military camp this summer, to help him learn to be more responsible, and some pride in accomplishment.


DarksMama
by Bronze Member on Mar. 14, 2016 at 12:20 AM
1 mom liked this

Military camp/school seconded. That kid is playing you all like a symphony.

jws120567
by Bronze Member on Mar. 14, 2016 at 3:55 PM

Doesn't sound like a good idea, because he could very well manipulate the couselors there.  A decent sleep-away military camp sounds like what he needs.  You really should look into it, for his sake.

Quoting twinsnteen1988:

There is a camp near us that is a day camp for kids who've been through trauma. He went last year and he'll go again this year.

Quoting jws120567:

Sounds like he could benefit from military camp this summer, to help him learn to be more responsible, and some pride in accomplishment.



twinsnteen1988
by Member on Mar. 14, 2016 at 8:48 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't disagree that he needs something, and a military camp might be great for some kids but with his mental state it would do more harm than good. Thankfully the therapist he sees also sees straight through his bullshit and has helped us make a lot of improvements as a family. We don't let this stuff go, we call him on it and since I've noticed him doing it to Rob I've not let that go, I've confronted Rob about why it's important to not give in and we confronted Noah about it. As he gets older and matures he gets called on more stuff. If once he is doing better with the trauma in his past he is still being a lil'shit then I would consider some kind of military camp. He's a great kid, truly.

Quoting jws120567:

Doesn't sound like a good idea, because he could very well manipulate the couselors there.  A decent sleep-away military camp sounds like what he needs.  You really should look into it, for his sake.

Quoting twinsnteen1988:

There is a camp near us that is a day camp for kids who've been through trauma. He went last year and he'll go again this year.

Quoting jws120567:

Sounds like he could benefit from military camp this summer, to help him learn to be more responsible, and some pride in accomplishment.



PogoPalOj
by on Mar. 15, 2016 at 12:20 AM

It's called passive/aggressive behavior.  Your husband is enabling him.  Try looking up a book Co-dependency No More.   The best book I ever bought was Raising Your Children With Love and Logic.  But that is just my take.  I don't want any drama or arguments.  Just a few thoughts.

twinsnteen1988
by Member on Mar. 15, 2016 at 1:10 AM

spot on. Noah is either extremely passive agressive or right in your face - either end of the spectrum. And yes, Rob is enabling him because Robert would rather take the easy way out. Thanks for the book suggestions! I'm downloading them on my kindle ASAP

Quoting PogoPalOj:

It's called passive/aggressive behavior.  Your husband is enabling him.  Try looking up a book Co-dependency No More.   The best book I ever bought was Raising Your Children With Love and Logic.  But that is just my take.  I don't want any drama or arguments.  Just a few thoughts.


PogoPalOj
by on Mar. 15, 2016 at 1:14 AM

Glad I could help.  My daughter really hated that second one. 

Quoting twinsnteen1988:

spot on. Noah is either extremely passive agressive or right in your face - either end of the spectrum. And yes, Rob is enabling him because Robert would rather take the easy way out. Thanks for the book suggestions! I'm downloading them on my kindle ASAP

Quoting PogoPalOj:

It's called passive/aggressive behavior.  Your husband is enabling him.  Try looking up a book Co-dependency No More.   The best book I ever bought was Raising Your Children With Love and Logic.  But that is just my take.  I don't want any drama or arguments.  Just a few thoughts.



Dardenella
by Bronze Member on Mar. 15, 2016 at 6:45 PM

Since you allude to a trauma, anything I say is going to be totally off because the nature of the trauma can make a huge difference.

That being said, It is incredibly frustrating to have to stand over a child and  make them/ waklk them through it over and over.  It is so much easier to do it yourself.  This is the biggest mistake parents make  IMO .

I am guilty of doing it sometimes as well.   If you want your kids to grow up to have a decent life you have to let them/ make them struggle.

In the situation that you discribe I would probably have (if I was at my best)  have told him once and if it was a second time, I would have told hime to figure it out for himself BUT it had better be picked up before   Whatever time frame.

And do not take excuses.

My kids  did not get to do the nice things if they were being butts about things like this.  He is 13 and there is no excuse except that he has it all figured out and this is a game he is winning.  Change the rules.

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