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I feel like a piece of crap...I shouldn't be allowed to have this child

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 17 Replies

For years; due to abuse mentally and physically from my father and be sexually assaulted by friends multiple times out of my control at a young age. I am what I say "fucked up". I don't have emotion. I have anger. Even when I'm sad, it turns into anger. I'm trying hard to work on myself and it's extremely hard. I'm 3 months pregnant and I did the worst thing ever last night...I exploded.

Long story short; my mother was threated (not to her face but back) by SO and my roommates the other night. My parents came over to confront them. Things went south. I have held back so much anger towards the female roommate (there's a couple), that I all came pouring out. I said the truth instead of letting her say negative things to me. I told her she was a two faced bitch. I was yelling and telling her that she's irresponsible and NEVER on time for rent. On the 20th we will most likely be getting an eviction notice because they are late for the 3rd month in a row. That boiled my blood. I just had enough. I called her a bitch so many times. I snapped at her and I don't even care anymore. She truly is a two faced bitch who I feel is trying to get me out of the apartment. Not going to happen, it's my home to and I live with my SO. Plus, I shouldn't have to leave. If she doesn't like it there; and since her and her SO have been threatening to leave anyway...LET THEM! That's my thought on that threat. Just do it. Yes, rent will be horrible on SO and I since I'm high risk at the moment and was told to stay stress free and home until everything moves more positively in the right direction. Rent is $1,270 NOT including utilities and the electric under the city sucks too. But I will have to find a way to make it work because SO doesn't want to move and I'm not going anywhere, like I said. 

I put myself in danger a bit last night. With how my anger is, it boiled up and broke. I punched and slammed my hand against the brick wall causing the side of my wrist to swell and my knuckle to not want to work without some pain. 

This person is a cancer to this apartment. Expecting her way or no way. Gets angry and discouraged when someone (mostly me) actually stands up for themselves and say the truth that they don't want to hear. Cause more drama and push me over the edge because she knows my buttons. 

A waste of space.


But like I said, after last night...I don't feel like I'll be a good mom and should be allowed this baby. That person makes my life miserable which makes me think unpleasant thoughts of harming. Like I said, I'm fucked up. I can't help what has happend and who I became from it. It kills me and I feel broken 100% of the time. I get scary when I flip out. I know I do. I say things that are hurtful that sometimes I don't mean unless it's my roommate and I mean every accurate word. 

I'm trying to work on myself. I just can't living here. Especially since she's so minipulative that she tries to convince my SO to leave me or ignore me. Which breaks me more because it's uncalled for. And sadly SO grew up trying to please everyone. And that's a habit I NEED him to break, because she really isn't a good person nor someone to befriend.

Posted by Anonymous on Aug. 18, 2016 at 5:30 PM
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 18, 2016 at 5:36 PM
Wow.. I could've written this myself.. I feel the exact same way. Like every emotion that isn't happiness seems to bw anger.. I was on antidepressants for a while and that helped, but then I went off of them because we wanted another baby and it all came back 😬.. maybe you have depression?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 18, 2016 at 5:39 PM

I have a bad case of depression and anxiety. I'm also planning on getting evaluated for bipolar disorder after the baby. I'm just scared if I do it while pregnant, and it is true...what will I do? I can control myself it's just when I let everything bottle up. I'm scared of this ruining my chances of being a mom. I'm scared of potentially hurting my child mentally. I would never hurt my child at all...I just mean, what if I have an out burst and they see it. That could damage. I cant have that :(

Quoting Anonymous 2: Wow.. I could've written this myself.. I feel the exact same way. Like every emotion that isn't happiness seems to bw anger.. I was on antidepressants for a while and that helped, but then I went off of them because we wanted another baby and it all came back 😬.. maybe you have depression?


Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Aug. 19, 2016 at 12:43 PM
2 moms liked this

I'm sorry you're going through all of that! Just a bit of psychology to help you process your emotions... Anger is not a real emotion, anger is the reaction we use to hide fear. Fear is the underlying true emotion when anger is exhibited. Think of what you're afraid of that causes you to react with anger. That will help you deal with the true underlying issues and find working solutions for them. All the best!! 

illneverbeold
by Member on Aug. 19, 2016 at 1:07 PM
1 mom liked this

You cannot control what happened to you, but you can control who you become as an adult. Assuming you are an adult, that is. I agree with the above response. Look to yourself and see what you fear this roommate can achieve. Focus on the good, and respond with kindness. There is a way to be kind to someone AND not keep things bottled. Just call her on her crap in a professional manner. Always be respectful and kind. It doesn't matter who is around you, you CAN change things about yourself. It will take a lot of work no matter what your environment.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Aug. 19, 2016 at 11:49 PM
1 mom liked this

Honey you're allowed to vent and she sounds like an awful peson. I would see about evicting her soon. Get a doctor to write that you should avoid stress and theres not much she can do. She retaliates then its on her and she can't get you kicked out for her behavior if you try to get her out first. Then its better to let it loose even like that now instead of letting it build up inside of you because then it would eat at you like a cancer and that's not good for the baby.


Funny enough I would normally agree with you about being a terrible mom BUT your story reminds me kind of a friend of mine who I could NEVER turn on. She has been there so much for me in the 3 years I've known her that she could comit murder and I'd back her up the whole way. I'm sorry they drove you to losing it but its out of your system and stress should go down now I hope.

Momtoone07
by Bronze Member on Aug. 19, 2016 at 11:52 PM
1 mom liked this
In my experience, the ones who think they will be terrible moms usually aren't.
rebal
by on Aug. 20, 2016 at 12:04 AM
1 mom liked this
The fact that you are so worried about being a good mom says to me that you will be a good mom. You can't change the past, only try to make your future better. I normally don't suggest counciling but i think it could really benefit you. Sometimes talking with a stranger helps more than talking with a friend. They can also help you learn techniques to help control your anger without blowing up. I also have a very volatile temper and have been known to punch walls and break things like dishes on purpose. Learning breathing techniques really helped me to control how i reacted to stressful situations. Good luck!
kgsharber
by Member on Aug. 20, 2016 at 12:09 AM
Put your phone to your ear & if you're real quiet you can hear banjos playing.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Aug. 20, 2016 at 12:16 AM
Okay, you can stfu too.

Quoting kgsharber: Put your phone to your ear & if you're real quiet you can hear banjos playing.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 7 on Aug. 20, 2016 at 9:32 AM
1 mom liked this

I think you will soften up and chill out when your LO gets here. That mother instinct is going to kick in and you will do everything you can for your baby. Just the fact that your concerned about being a good mother is a good sign! Definitely follow through and get evaluated once baby is here. I know a few bipoloar people who are in treatement and you would never know. Best wishes.

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