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At my breaking point

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 31 Replies
I've read that toxic relationships can literally make you sick. And I'm starting to believe it.

I've been married for 5 years, I've been with my husband for 10 years. We have 2 children and I basically do all of the parenting. Yes I am a sahm, even though he's ruined the fun of that on me, he is still half responsible for these beautiful children.

Now I am a dreamer, I have goals in my life that I'd like to achieve and no matter what they are he basically laughs at me and tells me they're pipe dreams. Which I don't see fair because I've been supportive of everything he's done in life so far.

He expects everyone in the house to wait on him hand and foot yet won't even run to the pharmacy for me if I'm sick to get me a damn Motrin, how is that even fair? When he's sick I take care of him! Because I thought that spouses take care of each other, I must have been wrong.

He comes and goes as he pleases but if I want to do anything he throws a hissy fit! "I didn't go out tonight so we could hang out!" "I can't believe you're going to leave me here by myself, you're such an asshole". "I should get a new wife who likes to hangout with me". Now mind you, if I go anywhere I wait till the kids are in bed because GODFORBID he puts the kids to bed and gives his wife a break once every few months. I don't ask for much , if for anything at all at this point. He's manipulative , tells me he wants to spend time together only for him to make plans while I'm upstairs with the kids and then leaves before I have the chance to say anything. Whatever that's not even the worst of it.

I'm 28 years old and I refuse to let some man tell me what I can and can not do. He says he's joking every time he tells me no and that I can do whatever I want , yet no matter what it is he says no. His jokes SUCK and they're not funny at all.

He thinks because I'm a sahm I'm supposed to pick up after him as well. I'll do his laundry , take care of our kids, clean, cook.. but you can throw your garbage away, you can put your clothes in the laundry room and not scattered all over my house, he literally treats me like I'm some slave!!! He doesn't appreciate anything I do, and sure as hell doesn't respect me.

At night when the kids are sleeping I like to lay on the couch and watch a movie. He will nag me and nag me about what didn't get done that day, instead of seeing everything I accomplished , he will call me a bad wife for not wanting to go straight to bed with him because I'm not tired yet and it's the first time all day I'm having me time, he will say I should allow him to have a side chick for fun ... that really hurt my feelings! I told him to please find one so I can leave already. He thinks EVERY WIFE has Sex every day and EVERY WIFE gives bjs every day and EVERY WIFE will sleep naked next to their husband when they say and he thinks EVERY WIFE will pick up after their husband and thinks EVERY WIFE shouldn't really have a life outside the home. I told him he was crazy and he has realize that's not true.

He will then tell me I have a unrealistic expectation on what a husband is there for. He's not romantic , hasn't taken me on a date in 3 years, I asked him to take me on a date and told me to figure it out and plan it if i wanted one. So I did , and asked if next date he could plan it and here we are 3 years waiting...


He nags and nags and nags and I literally can't stand it. We don't communicate at all, I tried for YEARS to communicate and he thinks things should be his way or no way. He thinks he's the best thing in this world, when in reality he treats me like garbage and is awful to me. He tells me I don't appreciate his hard work but I constantly tell him how thankful we are. He tells me I don't respect him and that I use him... hahahha he's so funny!!!!

I am literally at my breaking point. I asked for counseling he says no, I asked if we could sit and talk every other day for an hour , he hasn't stayed consistent with it because he's to busy.

I literally give up!!!!
Posted by Anonymous on Oct. 27, 2016 at 4:30 PM
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Oct. 27, 2016 at 4:49 PM
5 moms liked this

 He is a NARCISSIST... youtube has self help video's on how to deal with this. My 1st dh was the same and I couldn't do it anymore....and left him, it was to the point I just didn't care where I was going to go, I just snapped, packed the car and planned to leave while he was at work. I know leaving is not just that easy but it is something you need to plan on doing in the near future. Open a secret bank account and make what ever deposit you can when you can. Call a woman's shelter and just talk to someone about all of this, in the meantime help your self by looking up vidoe's joining facebook groups that pertain to marriage, emotional abuse, narcissism, I'm in about 10 different groups like that oon facebook.  I still need support even though I left that first spouse. You see I tried really hard to do better, married a 2nd time and the only thing that is better this time around is there is zero sex, bj's and he could care less what the house looks like. Otherwise he is an alcoholic, lazy, thinks a woman's place is at home, and he is a big insecure baby, but these are all related to the fact that he is an alcoholic, learned that by going to Ala-non meetings.

Good luck with everything!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 27, 2016 at 4:55 PM
Thank you for the response! I'm sorry you had to deal with it also. What was it like after you left him? It's weird but I have a strong connection with a lot of his family so I'd be more upset about leaving them than my own husband. Did he try to get you to come home? Is he re-married and all?. I'm just so drained , literally emotionally and physically drained.

My patience with the kids is slim because of how miserable he makes me. I can't tell you the last time I laughed.

Quoting Anonymous 2:

 He is a NARCISSIST... youtube has self help video's on how to deal with this. My 1st dh was the same and I couldn't do it anymore....and left him, it was to the point I just didn't care where I was going to go, I just snapped, packed the car and planned to leave while he was at work. I know leaving is not just that easy but it is something you need to plan on doing in the near future. Open a secret bank account and make what ever deposit you can when you can. Call a woman's shelter and just talk to someone about all of this, in the meantime help your self by looking up vidoe's joining facebook groups that pertain to marriage, emotional abuse, narcissism, I'm in about 10 different groups like that oon facebook.  I still need support even though I left that first spouse. You see I tried really hard to do better, married a 2nd time and the only thing that is better this time around is there is zero sex, bj's and he could care less what the house looks like. Otherwise he is an alcoholic, lazy, thinks a woman's place is at home, and he is a big insecure baby, but these are all related to the fact that he is an alcoholic, learned that by going to Ala-non meetings.

Good luck with everything!

spykgurl
by on Oct. 27, 2016 at 5:49 PM
Very similar to my husband, except my husband is a shut in. He doesn't do anything but play video games. If I run an errand, he gets all prissy and tells me I'm playing him for a fool. He's done online interactive porn and can't figure out why I accused him of cheeting. He holds so much against me, but if I say anything he accuses me of not holding into account his feelings. When he hires someone for his business, it's always a young woman in her early twenty and he becomes her "bestie" then gets mad when I yell him there are boundaries. As a boss, as a married man. Instead of telling me he needs a girlfriend, he wants me to get one. Because I'm bisexual does not mean I want a girl friend. I believe in monogamy. He said if I had a girlfriend, I would lay off him. But If I chill and start doing good things like the library, he says I'm gonna leave him one day.


I'm basically saying you're not alone. Sorry, I guess I needed it out too. Lol. Men are stupid. Not all, just the ones we have. Lol. My whole family hates him and his family is over his laziness. Either you can get used to it or leave. I have not left. I tell myself I don't believe in divorce. I am back on medication and go to therapy. If he ever did actually cheat on me or hits my kids, I'm out. No questions, but til then I'm working it out even though he isnt. Until my boys are I school and I'm comfortable getting a job, I'm here with him. Maybe then I'll grow the ball.

(Maybe I should get a girlfriend. Lol)

Good luck to you girl. The only way to not get sick anymore is to shit or get off the pot. That's coming from someone who is still sitting, not knowing what to do
FindersKeepers
by Member on Oct. 27, 2016 at 7:42 PM
1 mom liked this

Go see a councilor on your own if he does not want to go with you. 

Get a part-time job so you have some independence and money.  

As long as he sees you as beneath him... this will not change. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Oct. 27, 2016 at 9:41 PM
2 moms liked this

Pack your car up and leave.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Oct. 28, 2016 at 10:09 AM

Thank you. When I left I had a 3 yr old that refused to potty train, that night I was at my mom's in her tiny 1 bedroom and was going to put a diaper on the kid. She said she didn't want it, she promised to not pee in her sleep. She didn't have a single accident for over a year! She was finally relaxed enough to give up diapers. After I left we all felt 'lighter" it was a busy time in a way that I had a limited time to use up what resources I had. I could only stay with my mom so long, then on to my sister's but she had people living with her. I talked my way into an apt. by convincing the managment to "trust me" because 2/3 of my incomewould go to rent and it did. It's get rough but in a way that is worth it.You get peace of mind, freedom, it is a wonderful feeling to be able to "breathe", that all your problems are just your problems. We tried to work things out but I was in therapy and had to remind myself of why I left and forget the good moments, because they were just moments, nothing long term. 

Also the strong connection to the family you married into, I had that as well and they supported me and gradually saw he was more of an ass then they once previously knew. There were even times where him having the kids was unsafe and had the kids stay with grandparents instead and he could visit. Oh there will be attemps at maipulation by the other spouse! You need to educate yourself against it, the more you know the less you can be "duped" into his manipulation. They will say the right things to win you back. Laugh at them, move on.  These men do not really care about you, they care about themselves. 

He never remarried, he was involved in one train wreck after another. What gets me is he spent 3 yrs. with a mexican woman who didn't speak english, he met her at his job and they stayed together for 3 yrs, the woman is doing time for assault. It wasn't him it was a co-worker she assaulted twice. He lives in a small-ish town, by now no normal woman wants him. 

You need to make a plan to leave, relatives? friends? call a shelter and ask them what to do, you never know what is around the corner if you just take a look. If your parenting abilities are being challanged then it is a sign you need to get out. Your life is no different then being stuck in a pile of shit, now is the time to look for a shovel and dig your way out. Once your out and look back you will wonder why you stayed in that as long as you did.

Quoting Anonymous 1: Thank you for the response! I'm sorry you had to deal with it also. What was it like after you left him? It's weird but I have a strong connection with a lot of his family so I'd be more upset about leaving them than my own husband. Did he try to get you to come home? Is he re-married and all?. I'm just so drained , literally emotionally and physically drained. My patience with the kids is slim because of how miserable he makes me. I can't tell you the last time I laughed.
Quoting Anonymous 2:

 He is a NARCISSIST... youtube has self help video's on how to deal with this. My 1st dh was the same and I couldn't do it anymore....and left him, it was to the point I just didn't care where I was going to go, I just snapped, packed the car and planned to leave while he was at work. I know leaving is not just that easy but it is something you need to plan on doing in the near future. Open a secret bank account and make what ever deposit you can when you can. Call a woman's shelter and just talk to someone about all of this, in the meantime help your self by looking up vidoe's joining facebook groups that pertain to marriage, emotional abuse, narcissism, I'm in about 10 different groups like that oon facebook.  I still need support even though I left that first spouse. You see I tried really hard to do better, married a 2nd time and the only thing that is better this time around is there is zero sex, bj's and he could care less what the house looks like. Otherwise he is an alcoholic, lazy, thinks a woman's place is at home, and he is a big insecure baby, but these are all related to the fact that he is an alcoholic, learned that by going to Ala-non meetings.

Good luck with everything!


Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Oct. 28, 2016 at 2:16 PM
I went through this but luckily it was a boyfriend not a husband. But never the less i was a sahm to our ds. He would belittle me and cheat repeatly. Ppl would always tell me how lucky i was because ex would work and i didnt etc. The whole time i was miserable. Id eventually left him when i found out i was pregnant again. His stress was weighing heavy on me and i almost miscarried twice. I havent been miserable since then. He was sucking the joy out of me. Make an escape plan and leave. You can do it. Many times men want a sahm or housewife. So she can be at his call and do whatever he asks. It sicking when u think of it. Good Luck!
Lindalou907
by Silver Member on Oct. 28, 2016 at 6:19 PM
1 mom liked this

Oh my god, the fact that you are so unhappy and he is unwilling to go to couples counseling would be it for me. Honey, you are only in your late twenties, you are so young! Leave that idiot, you don't even have to say goodbye, have him served at work, take the kids and go home to your family. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Oct. 28, 2016 at 6:41 PM
Get a job. Save some money. Put it an account he can't access and doesn't know about. Leave. Once they don't respect you anymore you have no power in the relationship and he will just continue to treat you like trash as long as he is the primary breadwinner.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Oct. 28, 2016 at 6:56 PM

Honey you are not alone.  I WAS married to a narcissist man too.  For 6 years.  He was just like your husband but he also abused me physically and mentally.  I was a confident person before I met him and he chipped away every bit of my self-esteem, before I could realize what was happening.  I also had no patience with my kids, I was mean to them because I felt so trapped and depressed.....I felt like worthless shit and he told me no man would ever want me with 3 kids and stretch marks.  I was afraid of being alone forever if I left.

Now that I'm divorced, I am with a better man who loves me and adores my kids.  It was very hard to find the strength to leave, but you can do it.  Just start putting a little money away week by week.  Try to get a part-time job.  Like another person said here, call a woman's shelter or DV hotline in your area.  Some places even have walk in crisis counseling.  But please leave before he ruins your self esteem.  Leave for your kids.  Good luck. 

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