Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

would like some outside advice

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 3 Replies

As some of you know, Amanda and I took in cassidy. We took her in as if she was one of our children. Things with her have been tough, both of her biological parents have abandoned her and she was taken care of by her Grandmother, and grandfather, her grandmother died when she was 3 or 4, and her grandfather took care of her by himself, while trying to work the graveyards as a nurse. She was my daughters best friend/neighbor, and she practically lived at our house for over a year when we lived in GC, we grew to love her like our own children and when we moved to S we made a massive effort to keep her in our lives, picking her up on all school breaks, having her live with us all summer, she was an angel, the best behaved kid, and she asked us to talk to her grandfather about adopting her, and we did. He said Absolutely not, This was 4 yrs ago, when cassidy was 9. Almost immediately Cassidy began getting in trouble at school, getting involved in smoking weed, drinking, and some other innapropriate actions that resulted in someone else going to jail. We discovered the behavior because I was the only person she would ever open up to. She told me what was happening and I betrayed her trust by informing her grandfather (Doing the right thing for her). A few weeks later her grandfather could not handle her anymore, with his work schedule and not having someone to look over her while he was sleeping or working, so he asked us to take care of her, and we were overjoyed that we could help her, her first stint was difficult with the emotional breakup she was going thru and stress from the situation in GC/ AJ, and thus her behavior was bad, and she was very disrespectful, was getting in trouble with school, was lying to her grandfather and trying to play us against each other because she missed her friends in AJ, she went to her grandfathers one weekend and she didnt come back sunday, no answer from either of their phones, until monday when she was already missing school, her grandfather said she was "sick", and he was keeping her until she got better (lie). She didn't want to come back because she missed her friends, going thru a rough time, etc.., had lied to her grandfather about all kinds of things to get him to keep her there, so he did. Her grandfather called us 4 months later, and he apologized and told us he realized she had played him because she missed her friends, etc... So after talking with her grandfather, and her, we took her back in with very clear conditions, she had to be respectful, behave, she could not smoke anything, drink, etc... She agreed and we took her back in in May. Things were pretty good over the summer(minor misbehaving, etc.. like any other kid), School started and we get a call from the principal and she had posted a picture of her with a considerable amount of weed, a pipe, and a lighter on her at school on instagram, someone turned her in, and lucky for her she had taken the picture the day before and didn't have it with her when the police arrived. She was suspended 5 days, had her phone taken away, was grounded, and forced to give up the pot, pipe, and lighter, all of which was destroyed... She's failing several subjects, has been extremely disrespectful, at times telling me to fuck off, or gasping when asked to do her chores, Ray has come to us and told us she is bullying her and making fun of her, Amanda has had quite a bit of heartache dealing with it all, and it's finally penetrating my armor, and she went to her grandfathers this weekend after at least 5 times of him cancelling on her, making excuses, etc.. He picked her up Saturday, today he let her go with some friends to Skateland, and it's 7pm and she has school tomorrow and she is over 60 miles away from here and I messaged her to find out when she is going to be home and she had no idea, and didn't even think to let us know where she is at or whats going on, her grandfather had no clue when she was going to be back or where she really was, Thru facebook messenger she was extremely disrespectful to me and told me to chill, etc..., and she dont want to come back, shes going to live with her friends..., then she blocked me on facebook.

I think I have finally had enough, and I told her and her grandfather that the only way we are taking her back is if she promises to go to counseling and is more respectful and opens up to being a family and abides by the rules no matter how strict she thinks they are. (going to bed on time, treating people with respect, doing her homework, doing her chores, NO DRUGS, Curfew, responsible social media/phone use) OMG how strict right.... She refuses counseling. Her grandfather is all pissed off now, because she says she dont want to come back to S, and she wont do counseling. Now he has to deal with her or pawn her off on someone else. I don't know what else we can do, If you read this far, then I could really use some advice. I've tried everything I can think of to help this kid, and it's heartbreaking.

Posted by Anonymous on Nov. 28, 2016 at 8:39 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-3):
FindersKeepers
by Member on Nov. 28, 2016 at 10:20 PM

You have really gone above and beyond to help, but now you need to focus on your own family.  She is a bad example to your kids. 

Tell her that you love her, wish her the best and send her things to her.   It sounds like she is young and has been through a lot. You didn't say why her biological parents abandoned her, but if they had substance abuse issues, she may have some genetic predisposition as well.  

If you would let her come back... Let her know that she can come back if she needs to after 6 months and only if she agrees to abide by all of the rules.  In any co-parenting situation, if a child wants to move between houses it needs to be a 6 month commitment.  They cannot just go back and forth (like she is) when it suits them.   

If you would not let her come back... Just tell her that you love her and you are sorry that it didn't work out.  Let her know that she can call.   

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 28, 2016 at 10:54 PM
Thank you. Yes her parents were young (her mom was 16 when she had her) they were into drugs drinking and leaving little ones (her age 3 and her brother 2) home alone by themselves. From what i know of the mom she is bad news in and out of jail drugs drinking other bad things. Dad lives in Florida but he has said to Cassidy he didnt want her and called her a mistake and told her she was gonna turn out to be a whore like her mom (his words).
😔

I know what we need to do its hard to tell my other 3. My oldest doesnt understand why she would rather be with her friends out there and a school that she didnt like then with us (her family). My 3 year old just asked as i was putting her down to bed where cassidy was l. I told her she went to her grandpas and she asked when will she be home. I said she is going to stay with her grandpa and she said why and that she misses her. Its just heartbreaking
FindersKeepers
by Member on Nov. 28, 2016 at 11:56 PM
1 mom liked this

My SIL took in her friend's daughter for a couple years in high school.  It went about like you are describing.  

If it makes you feel any better...that girl is doing wonderful now.  In her mid-20s, working, married to a really nice guy and a good mom to her two kids.  

She moved out bc she didn't like the rules at SIL house, but now that she is a mom she comes to visit and has expressed how grateful she was that my SIL tried to help.  She now realizes that she behaved badly.  

Let her go... Pray that she doesn't make any permanent mistakes and hope that you have taught her all you can about family, love and generosity.   Then forgive yourself and accept that you cannot protect her from herself.  

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)