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Long time BFF is hot and cold

Posted by on Apr. 10, 2017 at 1:59 PM
  • 11 Replies
So my friend of 25 years is my hometown friend( we remained close no matter of distance of college or where we currently live)
We get together over holidays and girls trips., phone, email and text a lot. In the past years her marriage fell apart,he was an alcoholic. I have been there for always.

My life stayed stable, and we did have good things happen, generally happy. I'm mean of course life can suck in every persons life.

Since this split in the way our lives were going (past 8 years or so) I've been dealing with her being hot and cold. Either super friendly, talking a lot about marriage troubles, her kids having behavior issues, my family troubles, or my insecurities or whatever. Then like a month of her not replying or when I call I can tell she she swipes and sends me right to voicemail- just basically goes radio silent.

Then after time she acts like herself. Gets in touch. I'm always receptive because I love her, but as of late, I'm tired of this pattern. I don't know if I do something that pisses her off, or if I talk about good things happening in my life( which I always downplay never boast) because her family home life is tough. She is most receptive to me when I have a problem, bad happen, or am sad about something.

I'm so so tired of it! However I don't know how to fix it without the relationship suffering. Like most friends or people I know- bringing it up will not go well. She'll make it seem as though I'm crazy to think this and that it's just she has a lot going on. (Insert me feeling stupid and my life is not busy and I'm making mountains out of nothing.)

I have started to go silent because I'm over it. But it hurts to do this back and forth crap. Help!!!
Any insight, thoughts, suggestions or even that you have been in a similar situation. TIA

by on Apr. 10, 2017 at 1:59 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Apr. 10, 2017 at 2:06 PM
1 mom liked this

I think you are personalizing those periods of radio silence.  She is probably struggling with depression and not wanting to talk to anyone.  

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 10, 2017 at 2:11 PM
I had someone do that to me. I cut her out of my life. I would never do that to someone i care about so why would i let someone do that to me.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Apr. 10, 2017 at 2:30 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm in a similar situation. Been on both sides.

I choose not to be as close with my BFF since school because I don't like the person she's become. I think a lot has to do with her bf. She's changed a lot and the things she says sounds like things he says. Her values have changed. So I distance myself for those reason but how could I ever tell her that? I couldn't.

My sil who was my friend before becoming my sil gives me mixed signals all the time. She's ignored my texts for years. I finally, like you, started ignoring hers. But that's not me, I decided I'm not going to let somebody else change how I act. I reply as I normally would but I'm shorter and done reaching out just to be ignored. When I would think we are getting close again, she would exclude me or do something to prove we aren't. I've confronted her about the issues. She made excuses like saying she's busy. Yet not too busy to be on Facebook all day, literally.
How can I argue with that? If she doesn't want to tell me the truth then how can we move past? Everyone I've talked to about this including her family members, have said she's jealous of me. I think she's either jealous or is still mad about something the happened in the past. Either way idk what the solution is.

I think I've moved on to accepting that things will never be the same. Ultimately I've decided I can't handle the fakeness. I want a real authentic relationship or none at all. I definitely struggle because I need to know why. I hate not knowing the details of things in general so it bugs me for sure. Also wondering what the heck could I have done!? And getting mad even thinking that could be a reason when I haven't done anything lol.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Apr. 10, 2017 at 4:13 PM
1 mom liked this

I would try not to take everything so personally.  And lower your expectations for her.

And then . . . just respond like a loving friend would respond.  If she's silent, let her be silent.  If she's friendly, welcome her. 

Good luck.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Apr. 10, 2017 at 6:43 PM
1 mom liked this

Maybe she is in depression. A lot of people hide and don't do things or accept calls. 

Sit down and put your feelings in writing. Tell her your worried. She if she'll reach out to you.

Ms3942
by New Member on Apr. 10, 2017 at 7:33 PM
I do need to not take thing so personally, totally. I need to hear that more often. I'm sensitive by nature.
I've always been invested at 100 percent in relationships of any kind.

Ms3942
by New Member on Apr. 14, 2017 at 1:46 PM
Sometimes I think I'm crazy to feel this way, other times totally validated.
tiff12342017
by on Apr. 27, 2017 at 3:01 PM
1 mom liked this

Hello, I can understand  your frustration. I know you are tired of the back and forth, but this is your best friend. You have invested so much into this friendship.  Right now, she may just need some space. Have you considered giving her time to heal?  From your post, it seems as if she has a lot going on.  She may have her days when she wants talk and when she doesn't.  As a friend, you can be the safe haven when she needs it the most.  Best Wishes. 

boymommyaz
by on Apr. 27, 2017 at 3:58 PM
Just end it . Life long friendships sometimes aren't life long. You'll be sad but you'll be better off without her in the end with no hot cold friends just say you see a pattern of hot and cold with her and on and off and you just need constant friendships not fake friendships and wish her well just lose touch slowly

Quoting Ms3942: So my friend of 25 years is my hometown friend( we remained close no matter of distance of college or where we currently live)
We get together over holidays and girls trips., phone, email and text a lot. In the past years her marriage fell apart,he was an alcoholic. I have been there for always.

My life stayed stable, and we did have good things happen, generally happy. I'm mean of course life can suck in every persons life.

Since this split in the way our lives were going (past 8 years or so) I've been dealing with her being hot and cold. Either super friendly, talking a lot about marriage troubles, her kids having behavior issues, my family troubles, or my insecurities or whatever. Then like a month of her not replying or when I call I can tell she she swipes and sends me right to voicemail- just basically goes radio silent.

Then after time she acts like herself. Gets in touch. I'm always receptive because I love her, but as of late, I'm tired of this pattern. I don't know if I do something that pisses her off, or if I talk about good things happening in my life( which I always downplay never boast) because her family home life is tough. She is most receptive to me when I have a problem, bad happen, or am sad about something.

I'm so so tired of it! However I don't know how to fix it without the relationship suffering. Like most friends or people I know- bringing it up will not go well. She'll make it seem as though I'm crazy to think this and that it's just she has a lot going on. (Insert me feeling stupid and my life is not busy and I'm making mountains out of nothing.)

I have started to go silent because I'm over it. But it hurts to do this back and forth crap. Help!!!
Any insight, thoughts, suggestions or even that you have been in a similar situation. TIA

RaineFox
by New Member on Apr. 27, 2017 at 4:31 PM
1 mom liked this
I have someone like this in my life as well. When we're together it seems like we're best friends. But when I try to get ahold of her a week later she ignores my calls or texts. I just let it be. If she doesn't respond I tell myself "that's just how she is" and move on. A couple of weeks might go by and then she wants to get together again. I'll go visit and it's like nothing ever happened. Our kids love each other. It's sweet.

Raine at brattymomster.com
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