Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Friends who use you!!

Posted by on Sep. 16, 2017 at 10:10 AM
  • 18 Replies
1 mom liked this
Let me say how sick I am of friends who I am there for 24/7 who do not show me the same respect! I have always been the Mama Bear friend. Everyone comes to me for help because they know I'll reach out a hand without hesitation! I am so guilty of putting my whole life (even my children) on hold so I can help a friend in need. But when I need someone they all just disappear. This is the lowest form of disrespect to me. I can't stand it! I wish I could learn to say no more. It began the question; should I stoop to their level and give them a taste of their own medicine or do I continue being myself and the better person no matter how alone I feel? Ugh!!
by on Sep. 16, 2017 at 10:10 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Sep. 16, 2017 at 11:03 AM
I would continue to help people, but not to the detriment of myself or my family. You need to put your own first, and then help people as you can and feel able to. Plus, if you are doing to expecting to receive something in return, you aren't doing it for the right reasons. I would do some reflection and decide what you are comfortable with before continuing to engage.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 16, 2017 at 11:07 AM
1 mom liked this
Don't sacrifice your self or your family for others.

You can keep helping but if that person is not there for you, you don't help anymore.

Learn to say no. If you say no and they go away, they were never your fitness, they were only using you.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Sep. 16, 2017 at 11:07 AM
I would stop. If they don't appreciate what u do for them and return the favor when needed then they r not true friends and don't deserve ur help. I have had so many friends like that and have dropped all of them over time.
teatimefriend
by on Sep. 21, 2017 at 4:09 PM

I changed my perception to see friendship in helping others. I used to do the same as you did. I got the same treatment as you got. I realize that there are different types of friendship. One is whom I know in a gym, another is my gathering friend, and the last is one whom I can pour out my heart without being afraid of judgment, and I can count on her in the time of need. The kind of help I give depends on how I perceive the friendship. Of course, I try to give help equally, but I don't put an expectation on the first and second groups to get a return. All help I give is just a "giving" gesture at my end, no string attached. But, I will expect from the last group whom I consider a best friend because we already know each other well. 

I used to sacrifice my husband and children to help others. But I realize that it is not right. They are observing what I did. If I can help other that much, I should be helping or sacrificing for the very closest person even more. 

What is the motivation in helping others? As long as we know that we are doing the right thing with the right motivation, don't worry about the return. God will repay all that you have done right. 

You have a kind and compassion heart. Continue doing the right thing. Paying forward. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Sep. 21, 2017 at 7:15 PM

Image result for Poof - gif 

"just disappear" just like they do.  ;-)

JTE11
by Gold Member on Sep. 22, 2017 at 7:07 AM
There is nothing wrong with helping people, but it is not good to be used by people. It sounds like you learned something and could stand to draw some better, more healthy boundaries between you and your friends. I'd say it's ok to not stop you whole life to help out friends who won't help you. Don't do it with malice, just politely don't offer, of if they ask you directly, only help when it's convenient. That's not giving them a taste of their own medicine, it's keeping healthy boundaries with people who tend to abuse your generosity.
lucybrown1973
by Bronze Member on Sep. 22, 2017 at 9:56 AM

You don't want to be a doormat either.  It's nice to help out your friends but some will take advantage.  Stop being  a "yes" woman.

Jinxed8
by Silver Member on Sep. 22, 2017 at 11:31 AM

I have the same problem.  There's this one friend of mine with whom it seems to be very one-sided.  She doesn't completely dissapear when I need help, but then again, I rarely need help.  I always feel guilty when it's time for me to ask for a favor.

A perfect example is 2 weeks ago we took her, her DH and their daughter with us to a theme park for the day, we got them in for free on our season passes, we even paid the toll fee for them on the way to the theme park, and once on site, they used DH's pass in order not to pay for parking, we gave them our extra free refill bottles so they wouldn't have to pay for pop, shared our snacks (because we also have a meal plan, AND even gave them one of our meal vouchers.  We were thanked for the day but nothing more.  I mean we easily saved them $250 that day.  On top of that my DH has been helping them with a construction project pretty much every weekend this summer.  We both boarded our dogs at the same kennel for the day.  If roles were reversed I would have at least offered to pay the $15 dog-sitting fee.  But no.  Nothing, nada, zitlch !   Instead my friend text me the next day and was talking maybe next time we could all go in for a flash-pass to avoid long lines for the rides.  At this point, I answered that between the season passes and the meal plan I was tapped out in park expenses but I will gladly bring them back with our next set of Bring a friend for free coupons.   I hope the message was gentle yet loud and clear : We get you in for free, YOU pay for a damn flash pass !

 My Daughter, My Life, My Fight

Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Sep. 22, 2017 at 12:05 PM
1 mom liked this

Learn to create boundaries, your real friends will respect you others will fade eventually.

yeehawhoney123
by Member on Sep. 22, 2017 at 12:11 PM
Be yourself, but don't lose yourself amongst helping others. Set boundaries for yourself such as 1. You and your children are priority. 2. If those friends ask anything of you, make a habit of saying "let me check to make sure I'm available to _____" (or however you choose, but making a verbal point that you are not at their disposal). Atleast to establish in the beginning. Your help should be appreciated and it sounds like you are definitely taken advantage of. I believe in being there for friends, but it goes both ways.
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)