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My ex's gf sent me a message and I am trying not to rain fire down on her

Posted by on Nov. 17, 2017 at 2:57 PM
  • 53 Replies
1 mom liked this

****This turned out to be super long even though a tonne of back story is excluded!!****

So... my ex and I split (aka I kicked him out of my house) when I was 8mos pregnant with our son, just over 7 years ago.  We sent from very high conflict to now a good co-parenting relationship.  I never knew she existed until 4 years ago when she sent me an email all about how "he is with me now", "my daughter calls him daddy" etc... which I sent a reply along the lines of "yup, not interested in him, sounds like you got a sweet little fam going on etc".   They have since had a baby, and cool beans... well two weeks ago son's dad said she would feel more comfortable with his relationship with his son and coming to my house for supervised visits if I agreed to a DNA test...I told my Ex that there was no way I was dishonouring my son, myself or their son/dad relationship to send my son for a DNA test to make her happy, and he could take me to court and have it on record that even though there was never a doubt to my fidelity, and he doesn't doubt it, he is requesting a DNA test to make her happy.

This morning she sent me a message and I had to stop myself from engaging.  I am sure that any response I send will make her angry, and my instinct is to "defend" myself... but then I thought, my life is not an episode of Jerry Springer.  She has never met me, doesn't know any of my friends. we lived in diff arts of the country until she moved here to be with my ex... I just cannot figure out what she thinks this will solve?  Will it make her feel better when it is confirmed? No, it will make her feel worse to have made such a huge stink and fought with my ex for apparently "awhile" he says about a DNA test being a necessity.  

My friends are like "do the test and shove it in the ho's face"... but my son is old enough to remember this and will put two and two together, then how will he feel?  And honestly it all just feels so sordid, as if I am some ho sleeping around... we had been together 2 years and lived together, I worked a high profile job and had 3 other kids and was DESPARATELY in love with him even though our relationship was a train wreck.

So the message infuriates me because it is so passive aggressive and either my ex told her what she wanted to hear about our conversation when he asked, or she heard what she wanted to.  He said he fells stuck in the middle, but him and I never talk about her, so he is caught in the middle because she wants him to hate me.... AGH.

Can I get some ideas for polite, but firm responses?

"I feel like this message is very passive aggressive and I am not willing to engage with you"  is all I have got so far!

Also... if anyone wants to be emailed screenshots of the message to help, let me know< I just don't feel I can post it in a public forum!

by on Nov. 17, 2017 at 2:57 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Friendly_Mom
by on Nov. 17, 2017 at 3:04 PM
2 moms liked this
I would do the test. Not for my ex, not to defend myself, not for the he girlfriend but because your son might hear about this crazy thing one day (I assume there are high chances to meet the girlfriend and she has not too many filters). To my son, I would put it in terms of “your father needs to prove that woman that you are his son, she is not the smartest girl in the world but she is his partner”.

I know that everything can be twisted and whatever you do there’s something bad about this situation... but this would be the least painful for your child.
my4kids274
by Member on Nov. 17, 2017 at 3:05 PM
7 moms liked this

I would forgo acknowledging her at all.   It is not worth your time or your energy.  I know that it is easier said than done but in the long run it will be better for you and your son.  Let him take you to court.  Let him demand a DNA test.  It will bite him and her both in the a**.  

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Nov. 17, 2017 at 3:10 PM
6 moms liked this

Don't need to see it.

Send her ONE message "Do not contact me. Any further contact from you will be reported as harrasment."

You have no obligation to interact with her, regardless of the message.

Why is your ex only getting supervised visits? And why are they in your home?

It is probably too late for him to have a paternity test through ordered the courts. 

Unless there is some glaring piece of abuse in the back story you did not share, you might want to work with him regarding the visits, because if he takes it to court, (again unless you are leaving something big out) he will most likely be able to get custody and unsupervised visitation. Working that out with him would most likely be better for you than going through the courts.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Nov. 17, 2017 at 3:12 PM
3 moms liked this

Yeah, just deleting with NO response is probably your best bet.

Quoting my4kids274:

I would forgo acknowledging her at all.   It is not worth your time or your energy.  I know that it is easier said than done but in the long run it will be better for you and your son.  Let him take you to court.  Let him demand a DNA test.  It will bite him and her both in the a**.  


GreenEyedMojo
by New Member on Nov. 17, 2017 at 3:12 PM
1 mom liked this

I feel like that would be hurting my son, he is only 7 and already overheard part of the convo when his dad asked and was devastated, asking why daddy said he is not his daddy. I told my son that he misheard, daddy knows he is his daddy and it was just a misunderstanding.  I don't want to alienate my son from his sister's mom either, so I am between a rock and a hard place!

Quoting Friendly_Mom: I would do the test. Not for my ex, not to defend myself, not for the he girlfriend but because your son might hear about this crazy thing one day (I assume there are high chances to meet the girlfriend and she has not too many filters). To my son, I would put it in terms of “your father needs to prove that woman that you are his son, she is not the smartest girl in the world but she is his partner”. I know that everything can be twisted and whatever you do there’s something bad about this situation... but this would be the least painful for your child.


MSMOUSE0519
by Member on Nov. 17, 2017 at 3:17 PM
2 moms liked this

Here is what I would say

1. I will not submit my son to a DNA test because I know who the father is. 2nd. if you would like I would be more than happy to send all these emails to my lawyer and slap your for harassment and get in RO.

3. I don't owe you anything and my son and his father and myself are great a co-parenting. From now you can talk to your husband my son's father about everything. I will not reply back.


GreenEyedMojo
by New Member on Nov. 17, 2017 at 3:19 PM
1 mom liked this

I am more inclined to just not reply!

The visits are court ordered supervised and I have sole decision making. My ex actually prefers them in my home versus a facility, they can interact better, and I try to make myself scarce (next room).  

I have no problem if he wants to take me to court, I would win lol

Quoting Anonymous 1:

Don't need to see it.

Send her ONE message "Do not contact me. Any further contact from you will be reported as harrasment."

You have no obligation to interact with her, regardless of the message.

Why is your ex only getting supervised visits? And why are they in your home?

It is probably too late for him to have a paternity test through ordered the courts. 

Unless there is some glaring piece of abuse in the back story you did not share, you might want to work with him regarding the visits, because if he takes it to court, (again unless you are leaving something big out) he will most likely be able to get custody and unsupervised visitation. Working that out with him would most likely be better for you than going through the courts.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Nov. 17, 2017 at 3:23 PM

I agree that your best response is no response.

There are lots of options between at your house with you supervising (which is unusual, actually) and a facility.

Unless there was some severe and on-going abuse or neglect, your ex would actually have a pretty good chance at gaining unsupervised visits at this point.

Quoting GreenEyedMojo:

I am more inclined to just not reply!

The visits are court ordered supervised and I have sole decision making. My ex actually prefers them in my home versus a facility, they can interact better, and I try to make myself scarce (next room).  

I have no problem if he wants to take me to court, I would win lol

Quoting Anonymous 1:

Don't need to see it.

Send her ONE message "Do not contact me. Any further contact from you will be reported as harrasment."

You have no obligation to interact with her, regardless of the message.

Why is your ex only getting supervised visits? And why are they in your home?

It is probably too late for him to have a paternity test through ordered the courts. 

Unless there is some glaring piece of abuse in the back story you did not share, you might want to work with him regarding the visits, because if he takes it to court, (again unless you are leaving something big out) he will most likely be able to get custody and unsupervised visitation. Working that out with him would most likely be better for you than going through the courts.



OrangeBalloon
by Member on Nov. 17, 2017 at 3:24 PM

It is in situations like this that I think you should be 100% honest with your child. BUT you have to be careful with it. I would tell him that is not uncommon for paternity to be firmly established with the court. Which is actually true. Tell him it is simply a standard procedure (it is) and once it is on record it will never have to be done again. 

I would not give the hag a response. She's a moron trying to stir the pot. I think I would only do the test for the solitary purpose of shutting her up. She's really painting herself into a corner with it anyway. Let her get exactly what she wants only to hang herself with it. Go ahead and let her live in jealousy with the knowledge that your ex DID love you and made a child with you out of love. I bet it will sting like Hell and make her feel very foolish. I would let all of that transpire. ;) 

Quoting GreenEyedMojo:

I feel like that would be hurting my son, he is only 7 and already overheard part of the convo when his dad asked and was devastated, asking why daddy said he is not his daddy. I told my son that he misheard, daddy knows he is his daddy and it was just a misunderstanding.  I don't want to alienate my son from his sister's mom either, so I am between a rock and a hard place!

Quoting Friendly_Mom: I would do the test. Not for my ex, not to defend myself, not for the he girlfriend but because your son might hear about this crazy thing one day (I assume there are high chances to meet the girlfriend and she has not too many filters). To my son, I would put it in terms of “your father needs to prove that woman that you are his son, she is not the smartest girl in the world but she is his partner”. I know that everything can be twisted and whatever you do there’s something bad about this situation... but this would be the least painful for your child.



GreenEyedMojo
by New Member on Nov. 17, 2017 at 3:29 PM
1 mom liked this

Respectfully, I believe my lawyer is more knowledgable on court matters than an anonymous poster :)

I will disengage from this thread with you now, thank you for your input ;)

Quoting Anonymous 1:

I agree that your best response is no response.

There are lots of options between at your house with you supervising (which is unusual, actually) and a facility.

Unless there was some severe and on-going abuse or neglect, your ex would actually have a pretty good chance at gaining unsupervised visits at this point.

Quoting GreenEyedMojo:

I am more inclined to just not reply!

The visits are court ordered supervised and I have sole decision making. My ex actually prefers them in my home versus a facility, they can interact better, and I try to make myself scarce (next room).  

I have no problem if he wants to take me to court, I would win lol

Quoting Anonymous 1:

Don't need to see it.

Send her ONE message "Do not contact me. Any further contact from you will be reported as harrasment."

You have no obligation to interact with her, regardless of the message.

Why is your ex only getting supervised visits? And why are they in your home?

It is probably too late for him to have a paternity test through ordered the courts. 

Unless there is some glaring piece of abuse in the back story you did not share, you might want to work with him regarding the visits, because if he takes it to court, (again unless you are leaving something big out) he will most likely be able to get custody and unsupervised visitation. Working that out with him would most likely be better for you than going through the courts.




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