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Adult daughter moved home....with lots of baggage....now what?

Posted by on Dec. 21, 2017 at 11:54 PM
  • 36 Replies

I am turning 50 in February, was married for 23 years and have been divorced for 3 1/2 yrs now.  To say the last few years were rough would be an understatement to say the least.  I have a 31 yr old daughter from a previous relationship and my ex-husband and I have a 25 yr old son.  My ex-husband raised my daughter as if she were his own.  She did know her dad growing up, but he was not exactly the most present father figure.  Her bio dad died back in 2011.  They had a very strained relationship and had not spoken in probably 5+ years before he died unexpectedly. I really tried to help mend their fractured relationship mostly due to the fact I felt that it did her more harm emotionally to not try and salvage some kind of relationship with him.  I love my kids and was the typical mom that worked full time while they were growing up.  We lived near my parents who were a huge help and my kids adored.  We did dance lessons, soccer, ballet, wrestling, dances.  My daughter met a man when she was 25 who I did not like, I felt he was bad news and I was right.  But I learned a long time ago, it's her life and I love her so I'll keep my opinions to myself.  at 26 she got pregnant....took me a while to come to grips, but the minute they put my little peanut in my arms I was overwhelmed with so much love I thought my heart would burst.  I was right about baby daddy, he was a loser.  When the baby was 2 weeks old she caught him with another woman in their house.  She called me and asked to move home.  Of course I was there to pick her and my peanut up and I think I did pretty good at not saying all the things to baby daddy that I wanted.  My daughter was putting the pieces of her life back together, we were helping with the baby and supporting her and the baby. Not sure how, but 2 years went by and she went back to him.  I honestly think it was because it was just easier to be with him then struggle as a single mom.  Fast forward another 2 years and baby daddy gets busted for drugs and has been in prison for 2 years and has another 2 to go.  I had no idea for months that he was gone.  I finally convinced her to move home so I could help her again get her life back on track.  If it were just my daughter, I wouldn't have.  She is a grown woman.  But my innocent little peanut, she deserves a life of stability and surrounded by love.  They moved in with me a year ago.  When my daughter moved in, she brought with her 4 dogs, not little dogs mind you, 4 large dogs.  2 adults and 2 puppies.....Blue Nose Pitbulls.  I came unglued and immediately insisted on finding homes for the 2 puppies.  I was able to find a home for one of the pups, the other one had some behaviorial problems.  It's been a year with them here and while I don't for a minute regret helping my daughter out, I am at my whits end with the dogs and my daughter.  The dogs are kenneled now, but not before causing $$$$$ of damage to my home and yard.  I'm really sorry for the long story, but my real question is: is it horrible for me to want the dogs gone? I am angry at baby daddy for ending up in jail and I'm angry at my daughter for not understanding that she will NEVER be able to find a place with 3 friggin pitbulls!!! How can she not understand that?  The apartment they had kicked them out because of the dogs.  I don't want the dogs in my home or yard.  It is not the dogs fault, I place full blame on my daughter and baby daddy.  I feel used and each day that goes by I get angrier and angrier.  Why do I feel like a bad mom if I say the DOGS MUST GO!!! ?? What would you do?  The only innocent in all of this is my granddaughter.  I want my daughter to put her childs needs first and do what is best for them!  She needs a job so she can get out on her own and provide for her child.  I will help all I can, but I'm just so done with these dogs!  HELP!!!

by on Dec. 21, 2017 at 11:54 PM
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Replies (1-10):
cellomom26
by on Dec. 22, 2017 at 12:12 AM
1 mom liked this
The dogs should go. You are not asking too much, and since it's your house this is your right. Good luck.
WickedOpal
by Bronze Member on Dec. 22, 2017 at 12:14 AM
1 mom liked this

A YEAR ago and she doen't have a job?  Forget the dogs, because *I* wouldn't be paying for them at all.  

MommysGirls0607
by Member on Dec. 22, 2017 at 1:55 AM
Dogs would go. You are doing the best you can but it's added stress and strain on you. I would explain the situation to her.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Dec. 22, 2017 at 6:48 AM
3 moms liked this

YOU are an enabler.  Grow a spine.  

Valentina327
by Bronze Member on Dec. 22, 2017 at 6:55 AM
3 moms liked this
Didn't you insist that she comeback with you? It was your urging that had her move in with you, you pursued that. You knew she had these dogs. The dogs are part of the package.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Dec. 22, 2017 at 8:40 AM
1 mom liked this

Mom was offering a save and stable home for her grandchild!  Common sense probably made Mom think that her daughter would have found other arrangements for the dogs.  If someone, even family, offers to help you out of a tough situation, you can't expect them to take on all of your other obligations, especially 4 pit bull dogs for over a year!  Her daughter should be held responsible for the dogs lodgings elsewhere and maybe that would provide the encouragement that she needs to get up, get a job, and provide a home for her own dogs.   

Quoting Valentina327: Didn't you insist that she comeback with you? It was your urging that had her move in with you, you pursued that. You knew she had these dogs. The dogs are part of the package.


Maime13
by Bronze Member on Dec. 22, 2017 at 9:48 AM
3 moms liked this

This. 

You need to stop trying to "help". You never should have pushed for her to come back. 

"I had no idea for months that he was gone.  I finally convinced her to move home so I could help her again get her life back on track."

Apparently, she must have been doing well enough at that point since you didn't know he was gone. You are meddling under the guise of helping. She is an adult and she is your grandchild's Mother. It's time to let her succeed or fail on her own merit. You aren't giving her that opportunity. It seems like you want her dependent on you.

This situation is on you. You pushed until you got what you wanted. It's time to cut the cord.

Quoting Valentina327: Didn't you insist that she comeback with you? It was your urging that had her move in with you, you pursued that. 


MixedCooke
by Bronze Member on Dec. 22, 2017 at 11:13 AM
While I don’t like to blame the dogs for that inbred temperament, there has been too many instances of them getting aggressive even towards the most loving owners. 😕. Time to drop an ultimatum on her to not ruin your relationship any more than it already is.
illneverbeold
by Member on Dec. 22, 2017 at 11:21 AM

I would've gotten rid of all the dogs from the get go. Drop them off at the shelter if I had to. You are not a bad mom for wanting them gone. Honestly, your daughter IS using you. She is plenty old enough to have gotten a job on her own. I'd give her a time limit or she needs to leave. The baby can stay as long as necessary, but she has to leave if she doesn't get a full time job within 30 days. If she leaves with the baby and has no where to go, call CPS immediately.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Dec. 22, 2017 at 11:34 AM

"  ....now what?"

Tell your daughter you've been thinking about selling your home and you need to get downsize and rid of a lot junk.  That the dogs have got to go because house wouldn't show very well with all those dogs around, that she also needs to find another place to live ASAP like in January.  You'll be contacting a realtor come January next year. 

Then fine a place with just enough space for yourself like 1 bdrm/1 bth.   A small place would save you a lot money and headaches.  Never allow her to live with you with all her troubled baggage again 'cause it's time she solved her own problems like an adult.

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