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Disregard for Rules

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 26 Replies
We have only a few "rules" when it comes to caring for our child. None too serious follow car seat safety, try not to get her daily routine too out of whack (makes her way c ranky). Pretty basic. One of the most important rules we have is that our child does not sleep in bed with others in a closed bedroom, preferably not in bed with others at all. Reason for that rule my husband and I both work with children that have experienced sexual abuse and teaching our child healthy boundaries and body autonomy is very important to us. So here's the story: Grandparents asked if they could pick her up from daycare. Sure, have fun. Fast forward to 5pm, I try calling to say I'm on my way over and got no answer from either grandparent. Got a little freaked out but felt relief when I arrived and saw both cars there. Knocked and no one answers. Door is unlocked so I go in. No one in any of the main rooms. All bedroom doors shut. So I knock and knock louder and eventually wake them and my daughter up...all 3 of them in the same bed and door closed. I absolutely do not think there is S.A. happening but I do believe it was a blatant disregard to a rule we think is important. They claimed it was an accident but they argued with us because they thought it was silly/offensive when we said this was a rule that we didn't want broken in the very beginning so it makes me feel otherwise. The situation then gets flipped so they are the victims, making sure we know we're depriving our child of fond memories and our work life has made us irrational. Just really frustrated and needed to get this out! Why break rules that we say matter most to us?! How are we supposed to believe it was accidental when you vehemently express that you think it is silly/offensive and argue it?! We never once said it was on purpose. They got angry when we reminded them of this rule and went straight to "you don't trust us." Not the case...until now!!
Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 31, 2017 at 3:33 AM
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Dec. 31, 2017 at 5:36 AM
1 mom liked this
Yea I completely agree with you. Even if I thought your rules were crazy (which isn't the case at all) it's still your kid, YOUR rules.

Do they not realize the "door rule" is more or less for the comfort/safty of your kid?

And btw, grandparents sleeping together with your kid at 5pm is a little freaking nutty if you ask me.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Dec. 31, 2017 at 5:45 AM

Why were they in bed at 5pm? 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 31, 2017 at 10:45 AM
They picked her up from daycare right when it was naptime...after she already ate lunch and attempted to take her to a restaurant...she is just under 2 years old so that didn't go well and I figure the embarrassing "my schedule is messed up" tantrum was enough to help them realize the importance of the don't mess up her routine rule. I didn't even mention that...they had to go to an appointment and got out late. So then they came home and attempted to do some decluttering and organizing...again, good luck with a toddler around. She got increasingly hard to handle because she was tired so they laid down with her to try to get her to sleep and fell asleep themselves and were still asleep after 5 when I got there. And since she slept so late getting her to bed was nearly impossible...she was wired until 10pm!

Quoting Anonymous 2: Yea I completely agree with you. Even if I thought your rules were crazy (which isn't the case at all) it's still your kid, YOUR rules.

Do they not realize the "door rule" is more or less for the comfort/safty of your kid?

And btw, grandparents sleeping together with your kid at 5pm is a little freaking nutty if you ask me.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 31, 2017 at 11:03 AM
They also disregarded the "don't mess up her routine" rule and picked her up right before nap time and tried to take her to a restaurant after she had already eaten and was ready for a nap. She had a meltdown in the restaurant and they took her home and attempted to declutter and organize their house and eventually decided she needed a nap so they laid down with her to get her to go to sleep and fell asleep themselves.

Quoting Anonymous 3:

Why were they in bed at 5pm? 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 31, 2017 at 11:35 AM
They made it seem like the rule is a personal attack on them instead of trying to think about how it sets up her boundaries and that we have it because we know how that stuff works. We see it every single work day and sometimes even on weekends when my husband is on call (for the last, well going on 4 years). And statistically speaking sa is more likely to have someone close to you being the perp. Not that we think they ever would just saying closeness to us/her is irrelevant and we aren't taking any chances. We don't want her in bed with other people...especially behind closed doors, period. And instead of coming up with logical solutions...like rocking her to sleep or reading her a story while she lays down the response was well we just won't keep her because we can't promise you we won't fall asleep in bed with her. My MIL also screamed at me saying she was sorry I didnt have fond memories of sleeping in bed with my grandparents and saying sorry she was such a terrible mother who let Cody sleep in bed with his grandparents. At that point, I had to walk away. I rarely feel the surge of anger I felt in that moment.

Quoting Anonymous 2: Yea I completely agree with you. Even if I thought your rules were crazy (which isn't the case at all) it's still your kid, YOUR rules.

Do they not realize the "door rule" is more or less for the comfort/safty of your kid?

And btw, grandparents sleeping together with your kid at 5pm is a little freaking nutty if you ask me.
StonesGirl66
by Member on Dec. 31, 2017 at 11:38 AM
3 moms liked this
Whatever...lol

Your kid, your rules.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 31, 2017 at 11:56 AM
Right! It is that SIMPLE! I wanted to yell that at the top of my lungs and end discussion. Just blew my mind. All I wanted was for them to say it wouldn't happen again and talk to them about doing it differently but that did not happen! It turned into some wild argument about not trusting them. Which again...wasnt an issue until they turned the conversation in that direction!

Quoting StonesGirl66: Whatever...lol

Your kid, your rules.
mommaof697
by on Dec. 31, 2017 at 3:40 PM

I feel for you. I was S.A. i never slept in my grandparent bed. I slept in my moms and dads though. Guess who abused me and who knew about it now claiming they never knew about it. 

I would tell the grandparents that since they don't abey your rules that they can't have her unsupervised.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Dec. 31, 2017 at 6:10 PM

I kind of agree that it's a ridiculous rule. But I understand that your profession colors your worldview so that you see everyone as the Big Bad Wolf, and no one, not even yourself or your husband, is to be trusted with your child. 

That said, it's your rule. I do think you overreacted to them, really you should have just taken your child home and dealt with them after you calmed down. And by "dealt with", I mean craft a letter, email, or phone call in which you tell them "this was our rule, you broke it, here is the consequence, do not contact me about this again, I will contact you when I feel it is appropriate."

PinkButterfly66
by Silver Member on Dec. 31, 2017 at 6:51 PM
3 moms liked this

I think you are wound too tightly and need therapy.  You're projecting your childhood abuse to everyone and consider something as innocent as taking a nap with grandparents or sleeping with parents and perverting it.  Yes child sex abuse happens but the majority of children grow up sleeping with siblings, parents or grandparents and do not get sexually abused.  And because you use this reason to not let your kids sleep with you speaks volumes on how desparately you need therapy.

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